i just need to vent, get advice, support

[kmc2]

Tl;dr DH is nothing like the man I met and fell in love with and I have no clue what to do anymore. Constantly feeling guilty about how our relationship is affecting our kids because they have enough to deal with already.

Extremely long version, sorry:
DH seems to be having more difficulties as he ages. It seems like he cannot handle being around our kids for long periods of time anymore, like they drive him nuts. I feel constantly on edge with trying to keep the kids quiet so as not to disturb DH. Our kids can be very loud and are both very high energy/sensory seeking especially our son. The kids are still so young and the fact that they are on the spectrum just makes things all the more difficult and extreme obviously. But its like he cannot take into consideration their ages and that they have developmental delays which is really strange to me considering he has dealt with this himself his whole life.

He's also on this kick where he lashes out and blames me for our kids behavior constantly. I'm desperately trying to be patient, understanding and supportive considering what he deals with, but quite frankly I don't know how much more I can take. He's so different than what he used to be. Every little sound bothers him and he's so moody and unmotivated to do anything. But then when I'm feeling really overwhelmed or exhausted by life I have to hear about how lazy I am and how I can't handle anything, so on and so forth. Its like in his mind he is the only one allowed to have bad days or act inappropriately. I need to keep the house perfectly clean and organized, make sure the kids are always behaving in a way he sees fit, handle all the finances, etc.


My family can't stand him so I can't talk to them about it. And now their mentality is, we told you so and you made your bed, now lie in it so yeah. I'm seeing that I'm rambling and sound like I've lost my mind (which at this point I think I have) so I will stop because there's so much to say. I just miss who he used to be and how he used to be. My biggest concern at this point is our kids because although I know they're very resilient, this must be affecting them in such a negative way which makes me feel like such a shit parent. Thanks if you read this.

[mrsbuttinski]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so unhappy.

I read a few of your posts here and on other boards- dear Lord you have a lot on your plate and precious little support and cooperation from others. You deserve better.

Sadly, I've heard versions of your story from time to time.

The moody glass-half-empty outlook, inertia and general "it's about me" lack of consideration is
something I hear about a lot.

There are some online support groups, some are more supportive than others. A few seem to devolve into criticizing those on spectrum or those who are NT depending on the site. I hear great things about this book-

www.amazon.com/The-Partners-Guide-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058784

[kmc2]

Thank you for the book recommendation. I love to read anyway so a book that comes highly recommended is great and I appreciate it. I need to know I'm not the only one out there going through this. It doesn't help me to know others are suffering, but I have never felt so alone in my life. I do appreciate your response though, thanks again.

[akafred]

I'm so sorry! That is a lot of pressure to feel. Does he know he's putting that pressure on YOU? Like, I'm sure he knows that he wants the house to be neat and quiet, but does he realize how it makes you feel when he complains about things? Keeping in mind his possible ToM gap and all that...

I can tell you that men, and especially people on spectrum, like to solve problems. See if you can work together to lay out what the problem is and what the solutions could be. Perhaps it's as simple as he sits in his car for a few extra minutes a day before going inside. Or perhaps you can find a teen of preteen in the neighborhood to come entertain (and wear out lol) the kids for an hour a day so go can tidy up and prep dinner.

Now, I'm not trying to focus just on HIS needs because yours are equally important, but (probably because you're selfless) you didn't really lay any of your needs out, just that you are feeling pressured about everything, so I'm trying to help with that. But he sure to address your needs too. That could certainly involve support groups or therapy for you also. Therapy for him sounds pretty vital also.

((Hugs))

[cam]

I am so sorry you are in a rough place. I am also sorry that your family isn't able to provide you the support you need. We are certainly here for you. I don't know enough about the situation to be able to offer much advice. I don't know how much you are comfortable sharing, so I don't want to ask a bunch of questions and seem pushy. I am happy to listen and "talk" more if you want, either here or in a PM.

[jmski]

Yuck, I'm sorry about all that for you. My husband also expects so much more from me than he does from himself.

[funchicken]

Hugs. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Does your DH know how you've been feeling? Is he open to counseling? Are you seeing a therapist?

We're always here if you need to vent.

[triplea598]

Hugs. I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to put up with all of that.

I don't know anything beyond this post, but I am just going to echo PPs in regards to therapy/counseling. I really think you two could benefit from both couples counseling and individual counseling. Would your H and you be willing to do that?

[kmc2]

Akafred, thank you for your response. Unfortunately he is well aware of the pressure he puts on me and also realizes how crappy he's making me feel when he complains and criticizes me all the time. We have had many discussions about this. He seems only able to see things from his point of view which I understand he can't help to some extent, but I'm just so damn frustrated and down on myself over this at this point.

Something you suggested that we really need to do is get a break from the kids and just be together. This literally never happens. I know that's a huge part of the problem. I need to make more of an effort to see to it that this happens more often for us. We desperately need it.

I would love to find a support group for people in my position or something similar, bur as foolish as this sounds, because of his inability to tolerate our kids in more recent times due to his own sensory issues, I'm stressed just thinking about the idea of me leaving them with him for any extended period of time.


He is in a support group and also sees a counselor already because he is also a recovering addict. I'm really proud of him for that. He has gone to marriage counseling with me as well as us both receiving individual counseling before many times. We have yet to find a therapist who is able to effectively work with us both to help us get through this. I still want to try though. He has mentioned many times that he's concerned that a therapist will only try to convince me to leave him which has also actually happened on numerous occasions. Our relationship would be seen as abusive to most, I'm aware of that. What others (unless they have knowledge and an understanding of the issues he deals with) can't accept is that he's being anything other than a jerk to me. I understand the other side of this too because people don't want to see me hurt and they just want me to be happy, but what they don't realize is by choosing to back away from me and leave me to deal with everything on my own just because they can't stand him and my choice to stay with him hurts the most.

[akafred]

((Hugs))

That sounds like such a difficult position. I'm so sorry you haven't gotten the support you need and deserve. I was in an abusive (verbally, emotionally) marriage so I know what it can be like. I did get out. For years I deluded myself that it wasn't that bad and was even my fault. I hope your marriage isn't like that. If it is, don't keep yourself from escaping if you need to. Meanwhile I hope it improves and you can get to a happier, more supported place.

[kmc2]

Cam, thank you for the support. Please don't worry about asking me anything. I just appreciate the help more than you guys could know. For all I know someone could be reading this and it might help them figure things out too or at least not feel as alone in dealing with it. If I ever didn't feel comfortable responding to something, I would just be honest about it and ask that we talk privately. I might take you up on that offer anyway if that's okay!

[kmc2]

Jmski, funchicken, and triplea598 thank you guys for your responses too. I know I'm writing these mega long novels for posts and the fact that you guys are taking the time to read it and respond makes me feel better about things already. It feels good to be able to openly talk about stuff and have people show they care.

[mrsbuttinski]

Feb 5, 2015 19:09:34 GMT -5 kmc2 said:

Thank you for the book recommendation. I love to read anyway so a book that comes highly recommended is great and I appreciate it. I need to know I'm not the only one out there going through this. It doesn't help me to know others are suffering, but I have never felt so alone in my life. I do appreciate your response though, thanks again.

These are some of the fora I mentioned.

forums.delphiforums.com/ASPartners (this is just for partners)


forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners


forums.delphiforums.com/asworks

I was thinking about your post last night. A lot of people who are in romantic relationships with people who are on spectrum claim that they appear to age prematurely. Some think this may be a function of the levels of stress it takes to live with ASD in an NT world- but many report that their husband became a "get off my lawn" curmudgeon earlier than would be expected. 

If you do decide to re-visit couple therapy, it makes sense to only consider a therapist familiar with Aspergers and Addiction issues. A general marriage and family counselor is going to be way out of their depth on this.

[cam]

Of course you may take me up on the offer to chat privately anytime. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. I think I understand what you are saying as far as people seeing your situation at face value and it coming across as abusive when the situation is more complex then those people understand. I am absolutely in no way saying that it isn't technically abusive or excusable or anything, just that it comes from a different place within him than from where my ex's abusive behaviors came from, for example. That is hard to put into words (without a novel), but I think I know how you are viewing the situation. It is great that you and he are both trying to find the right help, both together and individually. I hope you find a better fit soon.

Some initial thoughts: Does he seem to have better days and worse days, or are they all fairly consistent? Is there a time when you noticed the biggest change in him (maybe a big stress increase - change of jobs, adding a child, moving, change of schedule, any other bigger change even if it wouldn't seem stressful, etc)? How long have you noticed the change, or has it been too gradual to pinpoint?

[numbbears]

Hugs. I'm so sorry. I hope things get better. And I hope you guys can have a getaway. DH and I started having a date night every week. Sometimes it's getting dinner, seeing a movie, coffee, or just sitting in the park and talking. When we started doing that, it helped a lot.

[kmc2]

Mrsbuttinski, despite everything I had to laugh about the "get off my lawn" description. Sadly, its true. I am definitely going to check out these other forums, thank you for making it just a click away for me. And I completely and entirely agree with you that we need to find a therapist who can help us both specifically in what we're dealing with. I'm not going to be able to convince him to keep trying therapy for much longer at the rate we're going.

I feel like I'm living with my father now in a way. How creepy is that? We're only 30, what will this be like in another 10, 20 years? I sought out a man who seemed nothing like my own dad (who is bipolar) because I didn't want to live like my mom had to until she finally divorced him after 25 years of marriage. And yet, here I am...

[kmc2]

Cam, slow but steady gradual decline over time. He does still have some good days, but the bad has far outweighed the good for probably the past three years or so. On his good days, he's great and on the bad days its bad in an intense way. I do feel like I'm dealing with either an angsty teenage boy or a grouchy old man most days. We have been through hell as far as jumping from Job to job, having multiple jobs each at a time, being unemployed, dealing with family drama, being evicted and becoming homeless (we are out of the shelter and back in our own place at this point, etc.) unfortunately that's not even the half of it, I could write a book. That's one of the reasons I do stay with him; because we've been through hell and back together and I understand. When you don't have the greatest coping skills to begin with and then all these things happen in life, its a disaster waiting to happen.

[Life is interesting]

Feb 5, 2015 16:25:11 GMT -5 kmc2 said:

Tl;dr DH is nothing like the man I met and fell in love with and I have no clue what to do anymore. Constantly feeling guilty about how our relationship is affecting our kids because they have enough to deal with already.

Extremely long version, sorry:
DH seems to be having more difficulties as he ages. It seems like he cannot handle being around our kids for long periods of time anymore, like they drive him nuts. I feel constantly on edge with trying to keep the kids quiet so as not to disturb DH. Our kids can be very loud and are both very high energy/sensory seeking especially our son. The kids are still so young and the fact that they are on the spectrum just makes things all the more difficult and extreme obviously. But its like he cannot take into consideration their ages and that they have developmental delays which is really strange to me considering he has dealt with this himself his whole life.

He's also on this kick where he lashes out and blames me for our kids behavior constantly. I'm desperately trying to be patient, understanding and supportive considering what he deals with, but quite frankly I don't know how much more I can take. He's so different than what he used to be. Every little sound bothers him and he's so moody and unmotivated to do anything. But then when I'm feeling really overwhelmed or exhausted by life I have to hear about how lazy I am and how I can't handle anything, so on and so forth. Its like in his mind he is the only one allowed to have bad days or act inappropriately. I need to keep the house perfectly clean and organized, make sure the kids are always behaving in a way he sees fit, handle all the finances, etc.


My family can't stand him so I can't talk to them about it. And now their mentality is, we told you so and you made your bed, now lie in it so yeah. I'm seeing that I'm rambling and sound like I've lost my mind (which at this point I think I have) so I will stop because there's so much to say. I just miss who he used to be and how he used to be. My biggest concern at this point is our kids because although I know they're very resilient, this must be affecting them in such a negative way which makes me feel like such a shit parent. Thanks if you read this.

I am going to pm you but I posted here so you would not think I was a troll.

[cam]

Feb 7, 2015 19:15:47 GMT -5 kmc2 said:

Cam, slow but steady gradual decline over time. He does still have some good days, but the bad has far outweighed the good for probably the past three years or so. On his good days, he's great and on the bad days its bad in an intense way. I do feel like I'm dealing with either an angsty teenage boy or a grouchy old man most days. We have been through hell as far as jumping from Job to job, having multiple jobs each at a time, being unemployed, dealing with family drama, being evicted and becoming homeless (we are out of the shelter and back in our own place at this point, etc.) unfortunately that's not even the half of it, I could write a book. That's one of the reasons I do stay with him; because we've been through hell and back together and I understand. When you don't have the greatest coping skills to begin with and then all these things happen in life, its a disaster waiting to happen.

That is a lot for any person to handle. It seems like perhaps it is at least in part a vicious snowball effect of stress, feeling overwhelmed, shutting down a bit, more stresses, and so on. I can see how it would be frustrating going therapist to therapist without feeling like you are getting anywhere. I have a medical condition that I spent years and years trying specialist after specialist, test after test to figure out. There were times I would shut down out of frustration and take a break from trying to figure it out because it gets hard to hear "I have no idea what is wrong or how to help." for the 7452nd time. I'm a shut down from being overwhelmed type of person. I have found a lot of tricks to help me overcome those mental blocks. It has certainly helped me handle a lot more than I otherwise could, which has been a lifesaver for all the crap MH and I have had on our plates too. Does it sound like maybe your H is a bit like me in that way? If so, does he have tricks for working through it? MH is bad at recognizing when he is snappier/irritable (gets that way when stressed, overtired, etc). I try to watch for early indicators and push him to step away from something (such as go to bed early, take a day to relax, etc). The other day, I could tell he was getting burnt out, so I told him we should hold off doing a project we needed to do, and he spent the day watching movies and whatnot and came away acting more like himself). It is like the Snickers commercials where the person isn't acting like himself or herself because of hunger and needs to be pushed to take care of his or her need (just replace hunger with the bigger problems we have in our lives). Not sure if your H is that way at all either, but it is food for thought. Most importantly, take care of yourself! You aren't going to be in a good place to help anyone else, your kids or him, if you aren't taking care of yourself. I know that is hard when you can't rely on him to care for the kids right now. Find ways to take time for you even if you have the kids to keep an eye on. I am a pro at that lately because MH isn't often around to help. Let me know if you need ideas.

[kmc2]

Cam, I think he is like you in regards to shutting down when he feels too stressed or overwhelmed. The snickers commercials are so funny and it reminds me of both DH and myself honestly. We're both trying to help point out to each other when the other one seems like we're starting to lose patience or get in a bad mood. I would love to hear any ideas you have on ways I could be better to myself even with the kids around. Also, if you have any effective ways you cope with shutting down, I would love to hear them because both DH and myself need to work on that. Thanks for all the feedback!

[cam]

May have to break this into a few parts as my tablet likes to spontaneously refresh webpages, therefore eating my responses before I am done with them...

For taking care of myself while caring for LO:
*Have morning "cocoa" together (LO's is a homemade, healthy version of cocoa while mine is actually some other warm beverage which varies by day)
*Let LO be involved in my hobbies when appropriate/safe (and if he can be involved without the activity no longer being enjoyable, which depends on his mood - it may mean it takes longer, but if it is still enjoyable, that's what counts)(sometimes this means he is helping directly; sometimes it means doing his own version alongside me)
*When LO is playing in the sandbox or something and doesn't want my involvement, I sit nearby and read or watch a show on the computer if it is appropriate or do some other activity that can be taken to wherever he is
*Enjoy his activities that are relaxing (such as building with Legos or something together, having him prepare a pretend meal for a picnic, etc)
*Do stretches together and/or let him pretend I am a bridge while I stretch
*Lay on my belly and let him drive his trucks or whatever on my back and legs (I am currently a runway for a flying tractor)
*Give the dog a haircut (hear me out on this one - LO usually gets bored after a bit and goes off to play nicely by himself in the living room while I get to enjoy the peace of not having to be go-go-go to keep up with him for a bit - he may be pulling out every single toy, but I don't care because he is playing nicely on his own while I just sit snipping away at the dog for an hour or so - this is about the only time I bore him into going to play by himself for so long without wanting me to play or get him a snack or any of his other 5345 requests)

I will try to think of what some of my better ones are. I often don't really actively plan these types of things as I just take the moments when they fit in as it comes up.

With my LO, he is soooo full of energy that my biggest self-care need is just some little chunks of time now and then where I can enjoy a slower pace. Even doing some household task without starting and stopping 50 times is nice, but the times when I can do something enjoyable instead are of course even better.