It sounds like he is sort of facilitating a separation on his own by telling you to stay with friends over the weekend. IDK. Honestly I think it is hard on a lot of men not to be NEEDED anymore. You don't need him to do stuff because you get everything done during the week without him. The kids don't need him. I'm guessing you aren't acting like you need him in other ways (companionship etc) because he's been so erratic and because (in his eyes) you run with friends or alone, you have your social life, and all that. Which you SHOULD, but maybe he is sort of pushing you away because it is hard to accept. I'm not a therapist, just trying to put myself in his shoes based only on what you have said.
Going off of this, do you think it could be jealousy? Could he be jealous of your ability to socialize and basically go about your life while he can't because he's living out of a suitcase more often than not. You said you guys used to socialize with your friends on a weekly basis and he's become more of an introvert recently. I'm sure you would love his help running errands and kids around, but he probably sees you doing it and being a bad ass at it while still living your life. With as much as he is gone, there is no way he really understands what it takes for you to do all of this.
Post by indyrowergirl on Feb 3, 2017 16:00:33 GMT -5
Hugs 2chatter,. Walking on eggshells all of the time cannot be a good way to live. +1 to the others that said you need to get to the bottom of this. Does DH recognize all that you do so as not to upset him? Maybe having a conversation about that - the energy you use up making sure he's not going to react - will get him to realize the impact of his reactions? I don't know if that would work, but I do know that, personally, I couldn't sustain that life for very long and would be looking for an exit strategy if something didn't change.
I hope this comes out the right way. I'm the first to say (literally--I was the first to respond) that this is not normal behavior. But from where I'm sitting this hasn't risen to separation, or even necessarily ultimatum, level. It sounds like you haven't been in the same zip code enough lately to even begin to address some major questions (does he agree things have been strange? does he have any idea why they are this way? is there something in particular he thinks has caused his behavior to change? basically, wtf is going on?). I know you said you're beyond worrying and just want the problem fixed, but I think first you have to (1) be on the same page that there *is* a problem & (2) brainstorm on how to solve it.
That's my amateur assessment based on my read of the situation and, admittedly, I'm most likely missing big chunks or misunderstanding some of what has been said. My mind just hasn't gone to separation yet. I'll add the necessary disclaimer that only you truly know your relationship and no one here would judge you if that's what you decide is right.
frozenpeas, I think what made me jump to separation and ultimatum was that they tried counseling, and her DH refused to engage or participate in what would help solve issues. Maybe he'd be willing to give it a try and engage again in a more productive way, in which case that's great! But it just struck me as a big deal that he admittedly didn't want to put in the work previously.
Post by judyblume14 on Feb 3, 2017 18:50:26 GMT -5
2chatter, I agree with akafred and erinshelley21 that (at least in your marriage) it's a matter of him feeling not needed, and jealous of your social connections and extracurriculars. I'm exhausted just reading about how much you feel the need to tip toe/ walk on eggshells.
I also agree that it can't be entirely an issue he has with you... Of he's acting crazy pants at work, too.
2chatter, I agree with akafred and erinshelley21 that (at least in your marriage) it's a matter of him feeling not needed, and jealous of your social connections and extracurriculars. I'm exhausted just reading about how much you feel the need to tip toe/ walk on eggshells.
I also agree that it can't be entirely an issue he has with you... Of he's acting crazy pants at work, too.
Sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs.
Oh totally. I think he's, er, unbalanced (maybe medically, maybe just in life) but I'm just trying to think through why he might do some of what he is doing, like for a conversation starter kind of thing. Not that this is anything 2chatter is doing wrong, but it always helps me to think through the cause of the behavior.
Also akafred, that stinks that your H is venting to your daughter & is not supportive while you're dealing with your injury. I'm sure being pushed around in a wheelchair isn't your idea of a good time, either.
I feel like I want to tell most of the Misters of this board to grow up & stop acting so childish.
akafred, Your DH is being a jerk. Why would he be embarrassed by you in a wheelchair You were in a car accident. He should be grateful that you and your DD are alive.
Also undermining you and complaining about you to your DD is completely inappropriate. It is disrespectful and hurtful. Also you and DH need to me united front for DD. He is your partner. The one you lean on for support. He should also be showing DD how a man takes care of his wife when she needs it. UGh he is making me so mad. I wish I could reach through the screen and smack him for you.
If the situation were reversed would you not be supporting him as much as you can?
My parents used to complain about each other to me. I finally put a stop to it in high school when I told them I didn't want to hear all the negative stuff. Every time they would start it would put me on edge and made me feel like they didn't love each other. and then they would say stuff like you are acting just like your father/mother and it would make me cry.
They have been married for 27 years and do love each other, but they were not very good and showing the love part.
I don't think he's really directly complaining TO her ABOUT me. More like he is saying snide or sarcastic remarks. "I'm the only one doing the housework around here." Or, while installing the new Brirax ClickTight supposed to be super easy to install seat in his car, I know he said something about how he would have to install it 2 more times since I was about to get an interim lease and then I'll get my permanent lease. Grumble grumble. Which she picks up and relays to me. It's not really appropriate but it's not as bad as directly saying to her that I am lazy or whatever. But she still picks up on it. Honestly I have learned something from this as there have been times I have grumbled about something like when he leaves the garage door open before leaving for the day. I now know she will register that as a complaint about him and possibly tell him, or at the least let it fester in her anxious mind. Not good.
akafred, that is better. Can you let him know that DD is picking up on his attitude about it and ask him to watch what he is saying around her? My DH would roll his eyes and tell me I am over reacting, but he would also stop doing it.
akafred, that is better. Can you let him know that DD is picking up on his attitude about it and ask him to watch what he is saying around her? My DH would roll his eyes and tell me I am over reacting, but he would also stop doing it.
You make it sound so easy. I think that is the larger root of the problem.
H did a nice job this morning picking up the house while DD and I did all the shopping. Since then he has: gotten her all riled up at lunch, then got upset when she was being too silly; stomped around the house heavy sighing when I agreed that a chore he proposed doing was a good idea; "helped" meal plan by reading Reddit threads on how to slow cook a pork roast; played video games for 2hrs while I finished laundry and made dinner; yelled at DD because she didn't want to try the pasta.
I just asked him what time he wants to go to the gym tomorrow and he'd like to play it by ear. I said I wanted to leave by 9 if we're going in the morning; he said let's see what time I wake up. DUDE. I WAKE YOU UP EVERY DAY. Should I wake you up or not?! If you want to go in the afternoon, say you want to go in the afternoon.
What is this guy bringing to the table? I am beginning to wish he'd taken the job requiring west coast travel.
After asking/telling DH to put his phone down and be part of the family about a dozen times today, I made a dinosaur stick puppet stand in front of his phone and say, "If you don't put your phone down, your wife is going to throw it down the garbage disposal". I wanted to but did not add "and then stick me up your ass." Only because the kids were in the room.
Is there a prize for meanest use of a child's toy to make your point? Because I may be a contender today.
2chatter I don't have much more to add to your husband dilemma, but my guess would simply be that he feels so disconnected from your day-to-day life that he can't figure out how to possibly begin re-integretaing into family life for the brief moments he's home.
My second guess is that what he's really experiencing is sadness that he is so disconnected from you and the kids, but since sadness makes him feel more vulnerable, it's easier emotionally for him to pick a fight with you and create a situation where he feels anger instead. Hence the empty threats about missing flights, etc.
2chatter I don't have much more to add to your husband dilemma, but my guess would simply be that he feels so disconnected from your day-to-day life that he can't figure out how to possibly begin re-integretaing into family life for the brief moments he's home.
My second guess is that what he's really experiencing is sadness that he is so disconnected from you and the kids, but since sadness makes him feel more vulnerable, it's easier emotionally for him to pick a fight with you and create a situation where he feels anger instead. Hence the empty threats about missing flights, etc.
This is what I was trying to say, but you said it so much better.
Minor in the scheme of things, but DH is eating crackers.
This afternoon he went out to get his haircut. Without telling/asking me, he also stopped and had a beer at a gastro pub that we were just talking about how I wanted to go there. He doesn't understand why this annoys me.
DH invites neighbors t our house for the Super Bowl. Which is fine, but only after did he remember that he is playing in his platform tennis league and won't be home until after kick off.
I made a small batch of brownies for tomorrow. I told DH not to eat any, but he ate a big piece and all of the edges. Now I feel like they won't look like enough and am wondering if we need another dessert.
Yes I will say reintegration into the family is a very real thing. I used to have my H here schedule and my H not here schedule and then my H on the bench and H unemployed schedule and the H on local project. And we would flow in and out and flow is not the right word. It always took a few weeks for us all to get back to whatever the new normal is now. Definitely multiple adjustments.
@clarypax so true. Normally we are all over those transitions. Right now the schedule is "walk on eggshells". Last night DS did something (still not sure what) at dinner and DH grabbed him - swinging his feet into the head of the man behind us - and left. We had just ordered. I didn't have my wallet. The food arrived, I ate a bit and was blowing DH up. He finally brought me his bank card and left again at which point they started to clear the table. One of the most embarrassing experiences of my life, of course at a local neighborhood restaurant.
Went home in silence, avoided him. Tried to have a conversation this morning and it went nowhere. I said I spend a ton of time and energy not setting him off but it still happens. Detailed my concerns and asked him to help me. He said "Ok, I get it." And went to go clean the garage.
2chatter, what if you stop trying not to set him off? I don't mean set him off intentionally by going out of your way to annoy him, but just start living your normal life? And if he's set off, invite him to leave until he can get ahold of himself?
DH would grab my kid from a table exactly once. And it would never EVER happen again. Like he would be dead or living elsewhere if he did not go to therapy immediately. This is his problem, but he's making it yours and your kids'. F a bunch of that noise.
Ugh hate the whole storm out of the restaurant thing. We've had a few of those over the years- not recently.
It has always seemed to spoken of again his anger issues and lots of stress in his life. i would suggest he take some time off work but sometimes on a project it's impossible and they have to wait until the gap. Sometimes it also speaks to an asshole project manager or client or project crumbling around them.
ETA if he is angry it's likely not at you or the kids (sometimes, but usually the job). But he is so angry at the time that he can't tell the difference anymore it's like a permanent state. Which is my way of saying you can't avoid setting him off because you aren't the reason. Only him taking care of his emotions can avoid it.
We just talked and I pushed until I got real answers. He's 51 and SD graduates this year. Instead of being "done" he has three more - 12, 9 and 5. He regrets that choice and would happily walk away. I told him that's fine - I can absolutely do this as long as we level finances and he engages with the kids still, on a schedule that works for him. Eerie calm.
Nope, he's in it and views this as a phase. I told him this phase cannot involve his freak outs and to pick a weekend to go out of town alone. And that I will do the same. We both need space and he needs to get a life outside of work and kids - so hopefully he will start that.
I was shocked to realize him leaving held serious appeal. Going to buy new running shoes then I start training for a 10k because I need a distraction and to feel progress somewhere...
Just got a text - no more talk about feelings. Or I won't like what happens. I now feel like this is the equivalent of live tweeting the possible demise of my marriage. Today is surreal. Seriously though, I think everything will be fine. Is it possible he has temporarily lost his mind?
No more talking about feelings or you won't like what happens? What the F does that mean? Yes, he's lost his mind. It sounds like a midlife crisis.
And everything will be fine, no matter what happens with him. Heck, you're already a single mom. You just have a seagull who occasionally flies in, shits on everything, and flies back out.
One progressive thing about Texas law... they do ensure non-custodial parents pay their child support.
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