DH is making me nuts. He hasn't come back in town on the day planned for weeks. I hate schedule changes. 7AM calls with the kids are not my favorite. He hasn't been home for more than 2.5 days (weekends) yet this year and has cancelled the weeks he was supposed to be here more. But more than that....he just waffles on everything.
The latest is he adamantly told me to just stay with friends in the city this weekend. That I need a break. Run my race and come home Sunday. Days of this from him, which since I have no plans with friends this weekend, but do have plans other weekends this month, I said I wasn't into it. He told me he wants to take DS out. Without me. Then this morning? He reverts back to our plan - dinner out Saturday. I said yes but that one weekend I do want to see one of my friends for the afternoon. Conversationally because he and I never speak and he has no idea what plans I have. So he flips and says not to come home and he and DS have plans.
He closed the convo with not to text him, he plans to miss his flight today and won't be home.
I just am at a total loss. The whole Trump backing thing aside, he is acting crazy. I feel like a single parent with a crazy friend that I am trying to keep in a box so their crazy doesn't affect me.
2chatter, I'm so confused by your H. Does he recognize that he's been acting crazy lately? Is he usually this erratic? I feel like you have to address the crazy head-on and ask him what has been up with him lately. Seriously, medical issues can cause normally sane people to have a complete personality change--maybe you can rule out other possible reasons then ask him to consider a checkup.
He really sounds like my preschooler when she's trying to get my attention. Does he think you're not paying him enough attention?
I may spend the rest of my Friday quietly psychoanalyzing him for you.
frozenpeas - he has never been this erratic. He has never flaked on me this much - he has cancelled plans with friends and family but never back and forth and insane like this.
He also sent me a really aggressive work email that the CEO was really, really mad about - DH was being a jerk and got called out on it.
He just had a physical and had his levels checked (he's so aggressive but has like zero sex drive so I pushed for that). He's totally normal.
Post by oldbaylover1024 on Feb 3, 2017 10:36:20 GMT -5
Geez, 2chatter. I'm speechless honestly. And what's the deal with missing flights and coming home later than expected? Are the missed flights intentional or are his obligations running longer than expected, causing him to miss his flights? That would drive me nuts.
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Post by erinshelley21 on Feb 3, 2017 10:37:01 GMT -5
2chatter, did you go with him to the physical and actually see the results? At this point I wouldn't believe a word he says about his health. Or anything.
Something is up. Is he jealous that you've got outside interests? He thinks maybe you don't need him? Low self-esteem? This is so weird--if this were my H & I had no idea what prompted it, I'd be looking into an exorcism. I'd have zero patience for this, especially if he wouldn't let me help him, but mostly I'd be worried.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Feb 3, 2017 10:47:21 GMT -5
2chatter, this sounds really fishy to me. I would want to see his results also. And want to knwo why exactly he is missing those flights. What is he doing there that he has to stay?
Very odd. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this crazy stuff.
It definitely sounds like something is going on aside from just your relationship being in a rough patch. If it's now affecting his work and his CEO is calling him on it, then that's a huge red flag.
Could you kind of corner him when he's home, without giving him a heads up, and try to address the specific issues? I'd probably prep a list with specific examples ahead of time, so you can show the pattern and have evidence in front of you. Do you think he'd even be open to that, or would it make him fly off the handle?
Do you think the Trump presidency is what sparked it all getting worse? Maybe that has put him in a bad place since he now realizes how much you differ in your views and he can't figure out how to handle it?
Post by erinshelley21 on Feb 3, 2017 10:51:23 GMT -5
Your H needs a new job. I realize this would require him to work in an entire different field because of the non-compete, but at this point I think his life depends on it.
He changes half of the flights and misses the other half. This is the first time he has planned to miss one and I bet you almost anything that when I get home from packet pick up he will be here and won't have missed it.
I saw the lab report from his Dr. Then googled the results and it's all normal.
I do wonder if he is struggling because as the kids get older it easier to get out more -- but when we dated I had an infant and a preschooler and we were super social - every Friday we grilled out with friends, I was on a Headstart board, I went out with friends once a week...I think he has become more introverted. But I don't know what to do about it.
I also wonder if the age gap is messing with his head. He was weird last summer on vacation and suspicious about my morning runs. So he appeared and it frankly disgusted me - so I smoked him. That is about in line with when things became too hard or dangerous for him....like no CO hiking trip because he might get hurt. The thing that bugs me is he COULD keep up but chooses not to - he used to run 5 miles regularly.
You guys I'm just baffled and frustrated. At this point it eclipses my worry because it impacts me so much, if that makes any sense. I'm kind of past worrying and just want it fixed.
What lab work exactly was done? I would want a full thyroid panel for sure. And he may have some chemical imbalance that labs wouldn't show (anxiety, depression, even bipolar)? I don't think this is just "normal" behavior. So he either has a health (physiological or psychological) concern or you guys have serious relationship issues that you need a counselor to help. Bless his heart, you guys both sound pretty miserable .
I also agree that some major changes are needed. You guys have to figure out if you even want to be together. I hope so. But if so, his job needs to change.
P.S. As far as DS, that sounds like he really misses him and is jealous of your time with him. He just doesn't know how to say that.
Post by justcheckingin73 on Feb 3, 2017 11:34:36 GMT -5
Sorry 2chatter, I wish I could add something useful. Sending t&p's that you/he can figure this out. It's hard enough dealing with kids and their behavior but also having another adult that is supposed to help you, that's tough.
I was looking at mostly testosterone and his prostrate (his grandfather died from prostrate cancer, his dad is in treatment). I have zero desire to get out of this marriage - but I need him to ... not be like this.
Post by oldbaylover1024 on Feb 3, 2017 12:18:16 GMT -5
My FIL has a chemical imbalance that required some special blood work to detect. It took MIL years to get him diagnosed. He had irregular mood swings, no sex drive, started abusing alcohol to deal with this issues, anxiety... basically he seemed off his rocker. Once he started taking a once-a-day medication, it was like night and day!
Is it possible a more extensive panel is required?
And, just out of curiosity, what is the age gap between you two? I'm curious why he thinks he can't keep up with you. Maybe this is about more than just running/exercise... maybe he thinks you don't need him like he needs you. He's also watching his dad go through cancer treatment, which can be very jarring (my mom was a very different person when we watched my uncle go through pancreatic cancer and treatments - gave her a scary sense of mortality). IDK, I'm just spinning ideas here.
PAL May '17 Siggy Challenge: Picnics - Feminist Picnic
Two MM/C 1/09/12 & MM/C 4/26/12 BFP#3 - Rainbow #1 born 5/11/13 via unplanned C-section Two CP 11/23/15 & 5/13/16 BFP#6 - Rainbow #2 born 2/10/17 via planned C-section
There are 12 years between us (same as the difference between my mom and dad). DH is already medicated for anxiety and his Dr said his issues aren't related to that. I'm now thinking ---- new Dr. How did they find the chemical imbalance? Because that would definitely fit.
BIL called me yesterday and he and DH aren't speaking - BIL has tried to reason with DH and can't take it - but he called to check on me. Appreciated, but it makes this feel more crazy (on the upside it makes me feel less crazy).
My complaint is more minor, but still. I have been kicking my own ass to do more around the house this week, because I am tired of my 7 year old telling me daddy is complaining. The only time I can do it is after I get her in bed and by this point my last dose of ibuprofen has worn off but I am powering through. Then I can't sleep because OW. Mostly I have done laundry and made DD's lunches, cleaned the cast iron and done laundry. DH has not said one word. Hasn't said thanks, acknowledged it, asked if I am feeling well enough. Nada.
Last night I ran the dishwasher, and put the dishes away this morning. He walked in the kitchen when I was almost done and asked (not a super nice voice) what I was doing. "Putting the dishes away." "Why?" "Because they are clean." Nothing else. I wish I could TALK to the man, but he would get defensive.
Tomorrow is the big camp fair at the mall. In order to go I would have to rent a wheelchair. I called ahead and got the details and told him about it last weekend. The look on his face told me he would be embarrassed. So I guess I miss out on another family tradition.
There are 12 years between us (same as the difference between my mom and dad). DH is already medicated for anxiety and his Dr said his issues aren't related to that. I'm now thinking ---- new Dr. How did they find the chemical imbalance? Because that would definitely fit.
BIL called me yesterday and he and DH aren't speaking - BIL has tried to reason with DH and can't take it - but he called to check on me. Appreciated, but it makes this feel more crazy (on the upside it makes me feel less crazy).
So if there's existing anxiety issues and these recent mood swings/fluxes in behavior are being ignored (or deemed 'normal' for YH), I'd want at least a second opinion.
I'm not sure exactly what testing FIL had. I just know MIL pushed and pushed their doctor to keep testing and they finally uncovered the chemical imbalance. I know it was discovered through blood work of some kind. This happened well before MH and I got married, so my knowledge is a bit limited on the specifics.
PAL May '17 Siggy Challenge: Picnics - Feminist Picnic
Two MM/C 1/09/12 & MM/C 4/26/12 BFP#3 - Rainbow #1 born 5/11/13 via unplanned C-section Two CP 11/23/15 & 5/13/16 BFP#6 - Rainbow #2 born 2/10/17 via planned C-section
I do think there is something more serious going on. But personality wise, I wonder if there is too much talk about plans. H gets mad at me if I even bring up plans sometimes as he is overwhelmed, and it seems like one more thing on his plate. So besides things like we have a hockey game on x day, we don't really discuss things too much because sometimes it makes things worse to discuss minor things.
Although I would discuss the whole thing in a heart to heart type conversation, but those usually require copious amounts of alcohol and a babysitter and a lot of delicacy. If you are worried one of these convo's won't go well then I would enlist the help of a counselor in communicating with him. If he is like my H he probably wouldn't go to a counselor. If he would then great, if not you can go and bring home discussion points and strategies- like you need one more thing to do.
The other thing sounds like an anger issue. He is mad, so he says he won't come home, but then cools off and gets on the flight.
When things get to be so unpredictable which happens a lot in that line of work, I basically plan on him not being there and am pleasantly surprised if he is planning wise. I have also had to nix a lot of my planning ways and be more open to being spontaneous with him as my H is not as structured as I am. I am amiable analytic and he is expressive driver.
But personality issues aside, I wonder if there is something else going on. Its hard when you guys don't see each other to communicate through these issues and being on the road really hinders that.
@clarypax - the travel is making it hard. We don't speak during the week. He hates surprises - like not knowing the kids have 8am games in two different locations - but won't check the calendar. So it puts me in this weird position where I am responsible for telling him stuff but not when he is overwhelmed.
We did counseling and he refused to do any of the work and was up front about it. He said he would rather admit to being wrong than work together to effect change. That was fun.
I plan on him not being here unless it involves a sitter - because coming home to a sitter pisses him off. I do think that may be why he will miss his flight. So I go to packet pickup and dinner then rush home to beat him to the sitter.
All of this makes me realize how much I overthink pretty much everything so as not to trigger an adverse reaction from him.
I'm pretty much concluding something is up. I don't know how to figure out what.
This sounds a lot like my BIL. High stress job (Big Four accountant). Lots of long hours and last minute fire drills. Doesn't like his job but feels trapped - making too much money to walk away, no time to look for another job, etc.
He's pretty erratic. He hates committing to plans because they just get disrupted by work. He'll get stressed out and just want to cancel everything.
He's also an alcoholic. He knows he shouldn't drink and white knuckles sobriety most of the time, which is an additional stress in and of itself. Then he has a particularly stressful day at work and goes on a bender. He refuses to get treatment because he is high functioning and thinks he's better than the other sad people with drinking problems. So he just goes back through the same cycle.
Any chance your husband has developed a drinking or substance abuse problem? Since he travels so much, he might be able to hide it from you.
saraml13 - FFFC - I keep wondering if DH became a functional alcoholic if I would like him better. He's much more fun if he drinks.
He doesn't drink when he travels and is always the DD. I believe this because he won't drink on weeknights when he is home, and his tolerance is pretty low.
2chatter, I have no idea how you are handling that. I wouldn't be able to live like that. Is he still taking his medication, or maybe it isn't working. It sounds like he is depressed and overwhelmed. What is the time difference between where he is working and you guys. He might be literally exhausted going back and forth. Sleep deprivation and stress on the body can cause behavior changes and mood swings.
xctsclrx - it is only an hour - and no one ever wakes him up in the middle of the night. I think I have lost my travel sympathy. I now do all the laundry and dry cleaning so he doesn't have to deal with it, and he has no responsibilities at home as far as chores or anything else.
Just sending you so much support. I don't know how you're dealing with that and not having a mental breakdown yourself. The fact that you have to make sure you are always home so that he doesn't run into a babysitter is like a whole next level of over-reacting from him. I think you should consider seeing a counselor yourself so you can talk through next steps and figure out how to get yourself and the kids the support you guys need to deal with your DH's issues. They might be able to help you navigate how to get him the help he clearly needs.
How does he act towards the kids? Is he constantly freaking out at them too?
Do you think setting up an ultimatum about him changing his attitude or moving out would help or hurt things? Would something like that give him the reality check he needs to figure shit out, or would it cause more problems? Is something like a trial separation something you'd consider, to get you all out of the toxic environment?
It sounds like he is sort of facilitating a separation on his own by telling you to stay with friends over the weekend. IDK. Honestly I think it is hard on a lot of men not to be NEEDED anymore. You don't need him to do stuff because you get everything done during the week without him. The kids don't need him. I'm guessing you aren't acting like you need him in other ways (companionship etc) because he's been so erratic and because (in his eyes) you run with friends or alone, you have your social life, and all that. Which you SHOULD, but maybe he is sort of pushing you away because it is hard to accept. I'm not a therapist, just trying to put myself in his shoes based only on what you have said.
Post by erinshelley21 on Feb 3, 2017 14:39:28 GMT -5
2chatter, I agree with xctsclrx that the medication might not be working. It might be time for a new doctor, maybe an internal medicine doctor and not just a regular family doctor. The two internal medicine doctors I've seen have both been more willing to sit and listen than the other doctors I've seen.
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