Family Crap (rant, long, whiny, Dear Diary)

[MissMusic]

So its another "my dad sucks" post.  Question at end.

So its been a month since my dad has contacted us.  I only note it because he was so in & out of my life for a long time, and I told him loooong ago that he needs to be in OR out with Lillian--none of this in between garbage.  He said in Nov that he doesn't spend enough time with her, and wants to see her more.

So now its been a month since he's contacted us. 

I admit that I am not a happy person around him.  I can't seem to enjoy a conversation, or sometimes even be cordial.  I'm not always polite.  I try not to do it in front of L.  He's just an annoying, terrible person and every moment with him is an eternity.

Over xmas, we spent a few days at his house and he did nothing with her.  We went to a kid's museum, and he wandered off on his own.  He was bored as shit.  He was on his phone for a while, too.  Then he wanted to take us out to lunch (how nice!) but he took us to a pub.  Not a place for kids!!  I told him this and he insisted...so we stayed.  My kid ate nothing and eventually threw a tantrum and I had to leave with her so as not to ruin other peoples' lunch.  He was annoyed.  He wanted me to stay inside with her until she could pull it together.  Um, no.  The other patrons would not have appreciated that.

His big thing was he wanted to see his 2 grandkids (L, and 1 yr old cousin) together.  Well, he refused to make a time that was convenient for all of us, so the kids only got to see each other for about 30min.  My dad was in another room literally the entire time.  Add up that he didn't want to take me to my mom's house (we had no car), he didn't play with her at all on day 1 and was working around the house instead, and then didn't call after that.  (When Peanut was napping and Cousin was there, he played with Cousin.  I was so mad for L).

I know I'm difficult and I don't like to give him as much time as he wants (because he wastes it).  I DO try to make sure they have a relationship: we make cards and paint pictures for him and mail them off; we try to Skype (but he's bored with that too), and I text him photos.  No reply.

--->  READ HERE IF YOU SKIPPED THE TOP PART.
I'm over it, you guys.  I'm about to cut him out of my life--again.  I'm only on the fence because of L.  I've accepted that he's never going to be the dad or granddad that I want him to be, but this is ridic.  My mom calls 3 or 4 times per week.  My dad doesn't call in a month, and he bitches about not seeing her.  I bent over backwards to accommodate him and his shenanigans at xmas, and I get the silent treatment.  L doesn't even ask about him anymore...she talked about him for maybe a week after xmas and then nothing.

Have I given him a fair shake?  I'm not sure.  Do I just not return his call, should he call again, and say fuck it?  I want to protect L from what I went through with him.  WWJ12D?   Its bothering me to no end.

[MissMusic]

Let me also add that I'm harboring a grudge from her birthday this year: instead of going right to Build-A-Bear like we planned, we drove around town trying to find a "good" Starbucks for him to get a coffee. I don't even know what "good" means. When we got to BaB, he left the damn store and I had to find him afterwards. Then she went on a choochoo train ride, asked him to go, and he said no--he was going to finish his coffee.

Yup. He's a winner and I just can't let some things go.

[mrsrek10]

Your Dad and my sweet Husband's Dad sound like the same person. FIL didn't even call on Christmas Day to see what JA got from Santa. We haven't heard from him in over a month but when they do talk, all FIL does is express his love for DH and JA. Carries on about missing them so much...and a bunch of other BS

I wish I had a good answer for you and DH. I hate seeing DH deal with this and he is also thinking of cutting ties bc he doesn't want JA on this roller coaster DH has ridden since age 12. At this point, DH has said that he will not make the effort to call or send his Dad anything. He didn't send a bday card or Christmas gift this year. I think DH is trying to let his Dad go. I have told him that I will support whatever he decides.

So, basically, I am no help in knowing what to do but do want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I hope you can figure out what is best for you, your heart, your sanity and your family.

[bantyrooster]

I am also no help. We cut mil out for a year. We had threatened and it was time to pull the trigger. She threw a huge fit and got no attention. I had major guilt that G didn't know that side. For us it wasn't just her but H's whole family because of her.

When we decided it was okay to ease in with big boundaries it was much better. H and I spoke and this would be the last time, Gage was about 19 months and we didn't want him to have in and out memories. Well she stepped up and it has been worlds better. She knows we mean it when we say we will remove ourselves. Maybe just remove yourself and put no effort in. If he chooses to step up great give it a chance, if he doesn't then it sucks but he is not in it. As hard as it is know this is a him issue not a you issue. If he can't see how awesome you guys are and wants to be a deadbeat dad, that's on him.

[stegasaurus]

Wish I had something more helpful to say. It sucks that he is letting his relationships with you and his granddaughter slip through his fingers and he just doesn't get it. He says he really wants to see her, but then when he has her he does nothing with her? I don't think I'd feel too bad about cutting him out. As Lillian gets older, she's going to start noticing what's going on when she's with him.

[aylafsu1881]

Hmm. That is tough and a frustrating situation. It sounds like our dad does not know how to have a normal relationship. It seems like he likes the "idea" of spending time with you and Lily but in reality he would rather do his own thing. The sad thing is that at his age, he is probably patterned into this behavior. I don't know if he would change, even if you talked to him about it. I think the best thing to do is let it go. If he calls great. You can be nice and chat with him. If he comes to visit, you set up the plans and tell him we are going to XYZ. If he wants to come good, if not then tell him you will see him later. I think by taking control of the situation you will reduce your stress and your frustration. Stop worrying about what he wants and do what you want/Lily needs. It will make your life so much happier.

[heatherbee]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know that no answer is really an "easy" or "right" one so I'll just throw out some personal experiences of my own, since my mom and my grandpa had a very broken relationship.

My mom and her father have always had an awful relationship. He sounds similar to your dad in how he interacts with my mom. I remember you mentioning that your dad had some very negative viewpoints, right? My grandpa is makes racist comments often, is homophobic,and is very opinionated about politics. My mom had a very difficult time with us being around him because he would make offensive comments in front of us on a regular basis. However, he had a daughter who was my age (actually a year younger then me, from a new wife) so I enjoyed spending time with him since my aunt and I were close. My mom was nasty to him whenever we were together and constantly talked poorly about him. She would get mad at me on a regular basis for wanting to go over to my grandpa's house, and it was an extremely difficult situation to be in. I really give you a lot of credit for being able to try and not let L see the negative feelings you have towards him. I'm sure that it is not an easy thing to do, but it shows you really have her best interest at heart.

Honestly, I'm not sure I would directly cut him out. It sounds like he is pretty much doing that for himself, and L will get old enough to realize which grandparents are truly there for her and which ones aren't. I know for me I needed to establish a relationship with my grandpa, and needed to do so separate from the experiences my mom had with him as her dad, if that makes sense. Eventually I realized my grandpa was not as involved as my other grandparents (once his daughter and I grew up and apart, I barely saw him) but it was helpful that I realized that on my own and based on his actions towards me.

I know the relationship I had with my grandpa sounds different than how your father is treating L, since I did spend time with him growing up. I hope that whatever you end up deciding, it is a decision that you feel at peace with.

[snickers4everyone]

When we were little, my grandmother was...well, to put it mildly, awful. She played favorites, was mean to me, never cared about what we were doing but professed to miss us, etc.
My mom is a very forgiving, awesome person. She did everything to make the relationship work. But when I was old enough, I cut Grandma out of my life. I have too many horrible memories. I kind of wish Mom hadn't tried so hard, because it just drug out my misery.
If there was another grandparent in the picture (my grandfather was a great man and the only reason every memory of going to their house isn't bad), then my opinion might be different. Your dad seems like a very toxic person who will just hurt and disappoint L over and over. You told him it was in or out and he still chose to be this way.
As hard as it is, I'd say cut him out or at the very least keep visits brief and on your terms only. I'd certainly tell him why, but you shouldn't feel obligated to keep him in your life for L's sake given his behavior.

[summergirl1211]

Jan 23, 2015 21:32:37 GMT -5 aylafsu1881 said:

Hmm. That is tough and a frustrating situation. It sounds like our dad does not know how to have a normal relationship. It seems like he likes the "idea" of spending time with you and Lily but in reality he would rather do his own thing. The sad thing is that at his age, he is probably patterned into this behavior. I don't know if he would change, even if you talked to him about it. I think the best thing to do is let it go. If he calls great. You can be nice and chat with him. If he comes to visit, you set up the plans and tell him we are going to XYZ. If he wants to come good, if not then tell him you will see him later. I think by taking control of the situation you will reduce your stress and your frustration. Stop worrying about what he wants and do what you want/Lily needs. It will make your life so much happier.

I think this is great advice. I wish I knew what else to say besides the fact that I'm angry for you MissMusic. I hope he changes so Lillian can have him in her life but I am not holding my breath. I think letting go is the best for all of you right now. I hope you can find peace.

[pegleg715]

I haven't read other responses yet. But to be honest I don't think you HAVE to give him a fair chance. He's screwed up. And if you aren't happy around him L is going to know that. And if you think as she gets older she's just going to notice all the crappy things about him and feel bad about t then maybe never having him around is better.

If you don't want him there and he isn't really trying then I think cutting him out is the right thing. I don't think you need to GBCD on him. Just stop trying. And if someday he makes an effort then great.

But don't feel guilty at all. No one has the right to be in your life if you don't want them there. For whatever reason it is.

[MissMusic]

Thank you for all the awesome replies. The general consensus is:


ie let him go.

I find that hard, because I let him go once for over a decade and he came back when he found out I was pregnant--I wasn't even the one to tell him. So yeah, I did it once and I can do it again. What bothers me the most is that he uses her as a prop: he will ignore her for the entire visit, but then take a bunch of photos with her as we are leaving so that he can post them on FB and everyone can ooooh and ahhhh about what a great granddad he is. Because, you know, he didn't hold her for 3 days, but he's got 20 photos where he's holding her and smiling on the way out the door...

I had a spectacular relationship (almost parent/child) with my grandparents, so its sad that Lillian won't get that. My mom is gaga for her, but also lets me parent my way, so its a great situation. At least she has that.

snickers4everyone, that is an interesting take. I'm sorry your experience was so bad...it made me stop and think about what pushing a relationship could do.

Guys, I really appreciate the feedback. I feel like I'm biased and angry, so I don't have a clear head. DH is great too, but he's entirely non-confrontational so taking a step in any direction is not something he can comment on and make sense.

I think my decision will be to make no effort. Sometimes doing nothing is as bad as doing the wrong thing, but this is not one of those cases. I tried, I really really tried. He is too self-absorbed to understand, he badmouths my mom constantly, he lies to make himself look better, he's a control freak and he throws adult tantrums when it doesn't go his way. You just can't reason with a person like that.

Besides, I don't have time for this shit any more. Lillian deserves better.



(Watch him call this weekend, haha!)

[somethingcleverer]

I also like the advice aylafsu1881 gave. If he wants to be there, fine tell him you are available and if he can't be there, oh well maybe next time.

Is his behavior having a negative impact on Lillian? If she seems to accept him for how he is I see no harm in letting her have a relationship with him. When she's older she can decide if she wants to be around him or not.


ETA: sorry I posted when you posted MM!

[mrsrek10]

MissMusic, you are seriously describing my DH's life. His parents are divorced, Dad acts like yours to a T (and they were estranged for like 7 years) & his mom HAS to keep JA one day a week or she can't take it. She must see him! DH also has said many times that his most loved people are his maternal grandparents. They are who loved him unconditionally and he would have lived with them if he could have. He is doing your same strategy of just not initiating anything. He says he will answer the phone if his dad calls and he is not busy but that he will not reach out.

I am so sorry you have this too. My DH tries to say he is use to it and that it doesn't really bother him but I can clearly see the pain. I hate that I can't fix it. (((Hugs))) it is a shitty situation for sure.

Oh, and my DH has a stepmom (the other woman)....his dad dotes on her grown son and his children. They even moved across the state of FL to be closer to them. But he loooves my DH the most he says. It kills him to not see us (blah blah BS BS) I really think this kind of thing is emotional abuse.

[MissMusic]

Jan 23, 2015 22:41:55 GMT -5 somethingcleverer said:

I also like the advice aylafsu1881 gave. If he wants to be there, fine tell him you are available and if he can't be there, oh well maybe next time.

Is his behavior having a negative impact on Lillian? If she seems to accept him for how he is I see no harm in letting her have a relationship with him. When she's older she can decide if she wants to be around him or not.


ETA: sorry I posted when you posted MM!

Yes and no.  She was excited to see him at xmas, but then he just wouldn't play with her when she approached him.  She quickly stopped going to him.  It happened when he visited here too; she very quickly learned to seek attention elsewhere and mostly acted like he wasn't there.

I don't think she's emotionally damaged, and I don't expect people to fawn all over her every minute of the day, but when a kid says "You want a tea party, granpa?" you put down your iPhone and you have a fucking tea party.

[sunflowersummer]

Jan 23, 2015 21:47:18 GMT -5 snickers4everyone said:

When we were little, my grandmother was...well, to put it mildly, awful. She played favorites, was mean to me, never cared about what we were doing but professed to miss us, etc.
My mom is a very forgiving, awesome person. She did everything to make the relationship work. But when I was old enough, I cut Grandma out of my life. I have too many horrible memories. I kind of wish Mom hadn't tried so hard, because it just drug out my misery.
If there was another grandparent in the picture (my grandfather was a great man and the only reason every memory of going to their house isn't bad), then my opinion might be different. Your dad seems like a very toxic person who will just hurt and disappoint L over and over. You told him it was in or out and he still chose to be this way.
As hard as it is, I'd say cut him out or at the very least keep visits brief and on your terms only. I'd certainly tell him why, but you shouldn't feel obligated to keep him in your life for L's sake given his behavior.

Holy crap, I think we have the same grandmother (my code name for her growing up was, "the witch.")

[sunflowersummer]

Jan 23, 2015 23:00:45 GMT -5 MissMusic said:

Jan 23, 2015 22:41:55 GMT -5 somethingcleverer said:

I also like the advice aylafsu1881 gave. If he wants to be there, fine tell him you are available and if he can't be there, oh well maybe next time.

Is his behavior having a negative impact on Lillian? If she seems to accept him for how he is I see no harm in letting her have a relationship with him. When she's older she can decide if she wants to be around him or not.


ETA: sorry I posted when you posted MM!

Yes and no.  She was excited to see him at xmas, but then he just wouldn't play with her when she approached him.  She quickly stopped going to him.  It happened when he visited here too; she very quickly learned to seek attention elsewhere and mostly acted like he wasn't there.

I don't think she's emotionally damaged, and I don't expect people to fawn all over her every minute of the day, but when a kid says "You want a tea party, granpa?" you put down your iPhone and you have a fucking tea party.

My worry would be her perception of all of this as she gets older.  She's going to figure out that grandpa can't be bothered, and that's going to hurt...a lot.  Is it possible to sit and have that conversation that this is it? If he doesn't start showing an interest, then don't be bothered?  My worry would be that L is going to think that's it somehow her fault that her grandpa doesn't seem interested in spending genuine time with her.

[trixi282]

I think you're making the right decision. As you may recall I haven't had a relationship with my father in 14 years (almost exactly). He reached out once about a year ago by calling me out of the blue at work, and I basically told him that he caught me off guard and I wasn't ready to talk to him.... He claimed how he missed me and loved me, and thought of me so much... Bullshit if you ask me.

I believe with all my heart that he called me because he has a relationship with my brother now and likely saw my wedding photo and Joey's birth announcement in their house when he visited.

My take on him and life is that I wrote him off a long time ago when he hurt me. I didn't mean enough to him back then to maintain our relationship without me, the teenager, doing all of the work, them he doesn't deserve to be in my life now.

At one point my brother made a comment (after reconciling) that his kids deserved to know their grandpa, and he deserved to know his grandkids.... as far as I'm concerned that is not true. Becoming a true grandparent is earned through being a parent first. Some people can redeem their status if its genuine, but not everyone is worthy of that special relationship. And to me, he doesn't deserve it.

Shocking that our father was going to visit my brother and his family over Christmas, right after we drove through town, and decided last minute (like a week, maybe two before) that they weren't going....

[mightythorgi]

I think I can count on one hand the times spent with my maternal grandmother growing up. Even before the Alzheimer's became an issue she was a piece of work (like my most vivid memory is her being very critical of my short hair cut around 5th grade or so). I had a great relationship with my paternal grandpa and still do with my paternal grandma (98!). I used to spend summers at their house.

I'm thankful (now as an adult) that my exposure was limited with my mom's mom and that I got to spend so much time with my dad's folks.

So from that perspective I guess what I want to convey is that if your father's behavior is detrimental to your daughter you can feel confident in limiting or cutting it off entirely.

And just wanted to voice support, since things with my in-laws require a bit of navigational skill, it isn't easy. Totally get the photo-op bullshit and I just try to get through without my eyes rolling all the way back

[sarahandeddie]

DH's mother is very similar to your father. She claims to want to see the girls but never actually does. DH has told me how unreliable she his been his entire life. After enough bs we finally decided to cut out MIL. It does more damage for her to be in and out than for the girls to not know her at all. Our girls have no clue who MIL is. There is a lot more to our family's story.

Bottom line is you have to do what is best emotionally for you and your family.

[reinedecajun]

I'm also not much help with this as I've cut my mil and my mom out of our lives. Both for very different reasons but my mil showed zero interest in Frankie except as a trophy to show her friends that she was a good grandma which she wasn't. She seen him 3 times in 18 months and he had zero clue as to who she was. Then wanted to know why he wasn't affectionate with her.
I just don't have time for her nonsense and I'm pretty glad we cut her out.

[mrsrek10]

It is so sad to me that so many people have parents who do not make their children a priority. I clearly was raised in a bubble in regard to this kind of thing. But, I guarantee that you all are great parents and will be awesome grandparents because of them. My DH says that growing up feeling like this with his dad makes him more aware of how he treats JA. He says JA will NEVER know what being in this situation feels like. I can tell all you ladies are the same at putting your family first.

[sunshinelady]

Ok so here's my perspective.

My father hasn't been in my life since before I was married. He sounds very similar to your father plus a drinking problem (I can't remember if your father drinks).

My H and I made the decision that we don't want the boys to have to deal with him coming and going and the emotional roller coaster he creates for everyone by doing so. He has made his choices in life and I can't feel bad for him. He is an adult and he is the parent. It isn't MY responsibility to act like a parent to him.

In my humble opinion you have given him more than a fair shake. This part of your life is about you and L and your H. If he can't fit himself into it that is on him not on you.

At the end of the day you need to be at peace with the decision you make. It took me several years to be ok with not having a relationship. With my father, but in the end it is healthier for me which is healthier for my boys. They don't deserve to deal with his half assed attempts to be in their lives and he doesn't deserve their kisses, hugs and overall awesomeness.

It took me a long time to make the decision to cut ties and an even longer time to be comfortable with that decision.

Pm me (if that's possible) whenever you want. I know it's wicked hard.

[trixi282]

mrsrek10, it really is sad. I once told my H, when I was pregnant, that as far as Joey is concerned she only has one grandpa, and he's all she needs. He adores her and is very involved in her life. Always making time for her (even when we lived far away). The only glitch in our situation is that my niece and nephews know about their grandpa... And eventually joey will figure out what that means. My niece (6yo) is just starting putting together that her dads dad is my sister and my dad. Its only a matter of time before it clicks and she figures out that means he's also J's grandpa.... I dread that day.

[trixi282]

Since I can't edit, I'm obviously talking about FIL above ^^

[Deleted]

Jan 23, 2015 23:16:43 GMT -5 sunflowersummer said:

Jan 23, 2015 21:47:18 GMT -5 snickers4everyone said:

When we were little, my grandmother was...well, to put it mildly, awful. She played favorites, was mean to me, never cared about what we were doing but professed to miss us, etc.
My mom is a very forgiving, awesome person. She did everything to make the relationship work. But when I was old enough, I cut Grandma out of my life. I have too many horrible memories. I kind of wish Mom hadn't tried so hard, because it just drug out my misery.
If there was another grandparent in the picture (my grandfather was a great man and the only reason every memory of going to their house isn't bad), then my opinion might be different. Your dad seems like a very toxic person who will just hurt and disappoint L over and over. You told him it was in or out and he still chose to be this way.
As hard as it is, I'd say cut him out or at the very least keep visits brief and on your terms only. I'd certainly tell him why, but you shouldn't feel obligated to keep him in your life for L's sake given his behavior.

Holy crap, I think we have the same grandmother (my code name for her growing up was, "the witch.")

I hate to say this but we had the same one as well and we called her "the evil one".

[Deleted]

MissMusic I have a similar situation, the only relationship my FIL has with my kids is for attention. He sees them like 2x a year and he does nothing with or for them. My MIL is a tiny bit better but she favors her other grandchildren. We decided a long time ago we were just going to stop trying to make a relationship exist where there wasn't one and they really didn't seem to want one. I always felt bad because I wanted my kids to have a relationship with all their grandparents. I stopped feeling bad about it when my oldest started to see the difference in the treatment they received in comparison to the others. We feel we made the best choice for the kids. Life has been much easier since we just, stopped. Good luck whatever you decide family is hard!

[jennmm]

Jan 23, 2015 20:43:58 GMT -5 MissMusic said:

So its another "my dad sucks" post.  Question at end.

So its been a month since my dad has contacted us.  I only note it because he was so in & out of my life for a long time, and I told him loooong ago that he needs to be in OR out with Lillian--none of this in between garbage.  He said in Nov that he doesn't spend enough time with her, and wants to see her more.

So now its been a month since he's contacted us. 

I admit that I am not a happy person around him.  I can't seem to enjoy a conversation, or sometimes even be cordial.  I'm not always polite.  I try not to do it in front of L.  He's just an annoying, terrible person and every moment with him is an eternity.

Over xmas, we spent a few days at his house and he did nothing with her.  We went to a kid's museum, and he wandered off on his own.  He was bored as shit.  He was on his phone for a while, too.  Then he wanted to take us out to lunch (how nice!) but he took us to a pub.  Not a place for kids!!  I told him this and he insisted...so we stayed.  My kid ate nothing and eventually threw a tantrum and I had to leave with her so as not to ruin other peoples' lunch.  He was annoyed.  He wanted me to stay inside with her until she could pull it together.  Um, no.  The other patrons would not have appreciated that.

His big thing was he wanted to see his 2 grandkids (L, and 1 yr old cousin) together.  Well, he refused to make a time that was convenient for all of us, so the kids only got to see each other for about 30min.  My dad was in another room literally the entire time.  Add up that he didn't want to take me to my mom's house (we had no car), he didn't play with her at all on day 1 and was working around the house instead, and then didn't call after that.  (When Peanut was napping and Cousin was there, he played with Cousin.  I was so mad for L).

I know I'm difficult and I don't like to give him as much time as he wants (because he wastes it).  I DO try to make sure they have a relationship: we make cards and paint pictures for him and mail them off; we try to Skype (but he's bored with that too), and I text him photos.  No reply.

--->  READ HERE IF YOU SKIPPED THE TOP PART.
I'm over it, you guys.  I'm about to cut him out of my life--again.  I'm only on the fence because of L.  I've accepted that he's never going to be the dad or granddad that I want him to be, but this is ridic.  My mom calls 3 or 4 times per week.  My dad doesn't call in a month, and he bitches about not seeing her.  I bent over backwards to accommodate him and his shenanigans at xmas, and I get the silent treatment.  L doesn't even ask about him anymore...she talked about him for maybe a week after xmas and then nothing.

Have I given him a fair shake?  I'm not sure.  Do I just not return his call, should he call again, and say fuck it?  I want to protect L from what I went through with him.  WWJ12D?   Its bothering me to no end.


I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said but I'm sorry that you have to go through all this crap!

[origamimommy]

Jan 24, 2015 8:30:03 GMT -5 mrsrek10 said:

It is so sad to me that so many people have parents who do not make their children a priority. I clearly was raised in a bubble in regard to this kind of thing. But, I guarantee that you all are great parents and will be awesome grandparents because of them. My DH says that growing up feeling like this with his dad makes him more aware of how he treats JA. He says JA will NEVER know what being in this situation feels like. I can tell all you ladies are the same at putting your family first.

I can relate to your husband and to missmusic. I haven't talked to my mom since tyler was a few days old, because as mush as I want q relationship with her, and for tyler to know his grandparents, I can't let him go through that. My mom is an evil, toxic, woman. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but cluttering her out was also the best thing I've ever done. And I agree with peg, you don't have to give him a fair shot.

[origamimommy]

Jan 24, 2015 9:13:28 GMT -5 sunshinelady said:

Ok so here's my perspective.

My father hasn't been in my life since before I was married. He sounds very similar to your father plus a drinking problem (I can't remember if your father drinks).

My H and I made the decision that we don't want the boys to have to deal with him coming and going and the emotional roller coaster he creates for everyone by doing so. He has made his choices in life and I can't feel bad for him. He is an adult and he is the parent. It isn't MY responsibility to act like a parent to him.

In my humble opinion you have given him more than a fair shake. This part of your life is about you and L and your H. If he can't fit himself into it that is on him not on you.

At the end of the day you need to be at peace with the decision you make. It took me several years to be ok with not having a relationship. With my father, but in the end it is healthier for me which is healthier for my boys. They don't deserve to deal with his half assed attempts to be in their lives and he doesn't deserve their kisses, hugs and overall awesomeness.

It took me a long time to make the decision to cut ties and an even longer time to be comfortable with that decision.

Pm me (if that's possible) whenever you want. I know it's wicked hard.

Omg sunshinelady. Sounds like my exact situation. Thanks for sharing. It took a long time, and a great therapist, to get me to the point now, where I will never let my mom back in my life. And I appreciate you sharing and knowing it has happened to other people. Because it is hard.

[reinedecajun]

Jan 24, 2015 11:19:58 GMT -5 origamimommy said:

Jan 24, 2015 8:30:03 GMT -5 mrsrek10 said:

It is so sad to me that so many people have parents who do not make their children a priority. I clearly was raised in a bubble in regard to this kind of thing. But, I guarantee that you all are great parents and will be awesome grandparents because of them. My DH says that growing up feeling like this with his dad makes him more aware of how he treats JA. He says JA will NEVER know what being in this situation feels like. I can tell all you ladies are the same at putting your family first.

I can relate to your husband and to missmusic. I haven't talked to my mom since tyler was a few days old, because as mush as I want q relationship with her, and for tyler to know his grandparents, I can't let him go through that. My mom is an evil, toxic, woman. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but cluttering her out was also the best thing I've ever done. And I agree with peg, you don't have to give him a fair shot.

That's exactly how it is with my mom. She's a constant victim and hates it if anyone has something nicer than she has yet she doesn't want to put forth any effort to better herself. She's never met lil frankie because I cut her out about a year before we got pregnant with him. Sometimes I feel bad about it and i'll attempt to send her a message and the response is always negative and im quickly reminded that there's a reason I cut her out.

The only good thing to come out of it all is it helps keep me grounded in how I don't want my relationship with my daughter to be. My mom made me leave home at 16 and I never went back, after 15 years of trying for her acceptance I finally gave up.

Sadly it's gotten to the point with her that I know whenever she dies it probably wont affect me. I know that sounds harsh but that's the way I feel. People always say 'you only have one mother, your going to miss her when she's gone'. No I wont.

Ah ok therapy session over lol.