My DH recently got out of the Navy and is a full time student/looking for work. We're living with my mom, which is really nice and I appreciate it.
About 7 years ago my parents got a divorce and my has recently started dating again. This is great I think she should, however she has brought three different men home overnight and let them stay there during the day while she's at work and I'm alone with my son. This happened just last night/today after she'd only been on two dates with the guy.
Am I wrong in feeling uncomfortable? I need brutal honesty because this isn't sitting well with me at all, I I need to know if I'm way out of line by wanting to tell her I'm not OK with this.
&+also DH and I have started looking for a new house but we're not sure how long finding one will take.
This is a tough one. I realize you want to give her space she needs to date again; however, I would also not be comfortable with different men hanging around all day while I'm alone with my child. If it was the same dude (this is not speaking whatsoever to her habits being inappropriate) it would be different as you could get know him, at least. But I just don't see why they need to be there all day. And it bothers me that it doesn't bother the men to be there, either.
That's just the shit that would be going through my head if I was in your position.
Post by penguin129 on Jan 23, 2015 22:13:12 GMT -5
I don't think you are being unreasonable by any means. She should think about the safety of others in the house as well as herself. Leaving him int he house even if you guys weren't living there would be risky too.
Yeah, I don't think that's unreasonable at all. I don't see any reason why they should be there when she isn't. That seems really strange to me that they would want to hang around her house when she isn't there. I think if your mom had to work really early and they just got up at a reasonable hour, showered and left, that would be ok, but hanging around all day seems weird.
Absolutely not. I don't know what the time frame on this is but it sounds like these guys may be, um, casual relationships, so to speak? I guess what I'm getting at, these sound like they may not be guys she knows well and you don't leave strangers in your house ever, let alone with your daughter and a baby. It's her house and her life definitely shouldn't be greatly disturbed with you living there but this just isn't safe for anyone. Could you perhaps just let her know that you love that she's dating and having fun but them being there while she's gone makes you uncomfortable? I don't think its a big deal for a guy that spent the night to leave at the same time as the person he spent the night with but maybe I'm out of line, too.
I do not think you are being unreasonable. I would feel very uncomfortable with that. It would be awkward enough if it was the same person three times in a row, let alone three different people. I think you should have a conversation about it with your mom.
Absolutely not. I don't know what the time frame on this is but it sounds like these guys may be, um, casual relationships, so to speak? I guess what I'm getting at, these sound like they may not be guys she knows well and you don't leave strangers in your house ever, let alone with your daughter and a baby. It's her house and her life definitely shouldn't be greatly disturbed with you living there but this just isn't safe for anyone. Could you perhaps just let her know that you love that she's dating and having fun but them being there while she's gone makes you uncomfortable? I don't think its a big deal for a guy that spent the night to leave at the same time as the person he spent the night with but maybe I'm out of line, too.
This is exactly what I was thinking eyenigh. I am at a total loss on how to broach this subject though. I don't want to come off aggressive, so to speak, but she has a very strong personality and I don't. :confused:
I agree with others that it's weird they hang around the house all day. Does she know they've stayed that long? Maybe if you're not sure she does you could ask her, and that's how you could bring it up? I think most people would find it weird...
I don't think you are being unreasonable by any means. She should think about the safety of others in the house as well as herself. Leaving him int he house even if you guys weren't living there would be risky too.
WSS. That would make me so incredibly uncomfortable.
I agree with others that it's weird they hang around the house all day. Does she know they've stayed that long? Maybe if you're not sure she does you could ask her, and that's how you could bring it up? I think most people would find it weird...
I did mention they were staying all day ad she seemed confused as to why I'd think that was strange.
I agree with others that it's weird they hang around the house all day. Does she know they've stayed that long? Maybe if you're not sure she does you could ask her, and that's how you could bring it up? I think most people would find it weird...
I did mention they were staying all day ad she seemed confused as to why I'd think that was strange.
that's so strange! Why would they need to hang out all day? You are definitely not being unreasonable. You need to tell her you're uncomfortable with this. Sounds like she's already getting defensive about it so because you want to stay there you may need to approach it very deferentially, like say you're not judging her choices, just that you feel uncomfortable with any stranger there.
Nope, not unreasonable at all. I would think that even if you lived somewhere else and you would notice people she might not know all that well hang around her house all day, when she isn't there, you wouldn't be out of line to talk about the safety of that (not judging the having 'casual acquaintances' part, but just that a relative stranger is in the house while she's not there). I know I would be concerned about her and her belongings safety in that situation. Is it possible she might think that it's ok because you are there to make it safe, not realizing that you are uncomfortable in that position?
I think it's weird too. If you guys weren't in the house with her, I would be more of the "whatever" mind frame, her house.. her life, her men, her choices. And, it still is her house and choices. That said, when others are living in it (especially a baby) I think she should think about those choices a bit more. It would make me super uncomfortable to sit in a house all day with a man she honestly doesn't know after 2 dates.
Post by TheEleventhHour on Jan 24, 2015 7:48:50 GMT -5
You are not being unreasonable at all. I would be fine with her having people over as long as SHE is there. It is her choice to date and sleep with whomever she'd like but I think it is ridiculous to have a casual acquaintance hanging out at your home all day with your daughter and grandchild there.
I think you need to be honest. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that a stranger (to you and your son) not be left in the house all day. Even though it is her house when you share it with people you need to have rules and boundaries that work for EVERYONE not just the person who owns it. My mom lives with us and even though we pay the mortgage I'd never, for example, have a big party without giving a heads up and if she were truly uncomfortable I'd figure out something that worked for everyone.
I honestly have no advice for how to go about this gracefully because when your daughter says she uncomfortable being around a man she barely knows when she's home alone with her infant there is really no question about what you do ... (And I am in no way judging your mom! Casually dating is great! But wrap up the date when you leave for work out of respect for your housemates!)
Yea I'm voting that would make me uncomfortable. Its one thing on a weekend if she were home but this is leaving a stranger with you. I wouldn't like that.
Post by BostonKisses on Jan 24, 2015 9:38:40 GMT -5
Team not unreasonable. If you knew the guys at least a bit, it would be different. It's really weird that she's letting these guys stay at her house all day, especially with you there. How well does she know these guys? Are they all new? Personally I wouldn't want anyone I didn't know relatively well staying at my house when I wasn't there, let alone doing that with family there.
Post by stellabunny on Jan 24, 2015 9:59:04 GMT -5
I would feel weird too. I don't even know how I'd approach that conversation given that it's her house. I mean, try your best and reiterate to her how grateful you are that she has allowed you to stay there, but keep up the search for your own place.
I would feel exactly the same way as you...sometimes I don't even want to be alone with DD and my nephews for fear of what they might unintentionally do...let alone a stranger.
However...
It's tough because it is her house. I live with my parents during the week while I'm working so I know what the dynamic is like. Is there somewhere you could go during the days that the men are at your house? A friend's place? Shopping? Library? In law's?
When my parents have people stay who I don't trust around DD I just leave. I always talk to my mom about my feelings first but I don't expect her to change her plans. Sometimes she will, but often I just end up taking DD somewhere else.
Not sure if this is helpful at all but know that I COMPLETELY understand the difficulty of the situation and agree with your feelings.
So quick update if you guys are interested. My brother and his wife approached me about this and told me they share similar concerns. They have two kinds under 2 that spend the night regularly. He said he would like to talk to her together instead of just one of us (we're the only ones with kids right now) he thinks that us talking together would be better for everyone.
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