TTCAL Check-In (6/14)

[caer]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in?

[ladytiffany24]

I'm so angry! I just typed up my whole post and then hit post and the work internet crapped out for a brief moment and now it's gone. Anyways...

How are you doing? Much better than the past 2 months. I'm also in my favorite part of the cycle...early on in the TWW when all the work is done and it's too early to board the crazy train.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): None, CP in April

Updates/questions: Nothing today

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm actually feeling pretty good today, probably the best I've felt since my loss. So I'll skip Debbie downer this week. It feels good to say that!

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in?
Sort of. For example, if I'm watching a sporting event and the team is doing poorly, I'll stop watching. Then if they start doing better while I'm not watching, I think it's because I stopped watching, so I'll avoid watching if I can to help them out. lol. I also hate when things mess up my daily routines. It gets me anxious. But I think that's just an OCD tendancy. lol

[caer]

ladytiffany24 - I'm glad you're doing well! I'm also in that part of the TWW and it's my favorite part of the cycle, too. It's the most low stress time of month for me.

[caer]

How are you doing? Ok

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): MMC, Unexplained IF

Updates/questions: Nothing new this week.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I went to a baby shower this past weekend for my childhood BFF. Our babies should have been 10 weeks apart. She's adorable and wonderful and I'm so freaking thrilled for her. But it was definitely bittersweet and I cried a little bit on the way home. I wish we could have shared this experience.

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in?
I'm superstitious about numbers. For example, if we're flying, I'll add the flight numbers to make sure they don't add up to 13 (I won't not fly if they do, I just don't feel reassured!). I also have a long list of superstitions if I go to a casino. I have to throw the dice a certain way, play a certain machine, etc.

[ladytiffany24]

caer , Hugs! I'm sure there are lots of bittersweet feelings there. It sounds like you did pretty well with that situation though.

Also, I almost forgot about my thing with numbers. Any sort of volume needs to be on an even number. I have no idea why. I just can't deal with odd numbers.

[caer]

Jun 14, 2016 12:23:29 GMT -5 ladytiffany24 said:

caer , Hugs! I'm sure there are lots of bittersweet feelings there. It sounds like you did pretty well with that situation though.

Also, I almost forgot about my thing with numbers. Any sort of volume needs to be on an even number. I have no idea why. I just can't deal with odd numbers.

Ha, I do something similar with my car's air/heat. Numbers make me crazy for some reason!

[mosdub]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Prior PMP, higher chance of another.

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Feeling sorry for myself today. I'm in my 2WW (I'm pretty sure I am anyway) and I'll be able to test right before a family vacation. I normally fantasize about what the vacation will be like if I get a bfp but I'm not even entertaining the idea. I just know I'm going to get a bfn. I have no reason to think this. Our timing is fine, but I'm just a ball of pessimism today. My bff who was pregnant at the same time as me has a 1yo and just got a bfp. I'm happy for her but just feeling left behind.

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in? Not actively, but I do catch myself doing superstitious things sometimes. Can't think of anything off hand right now though!

ladytiffany24 glad you're feeling good today!

caer I understand that bittersweet feeling. It's hard

[Deleted]

How are you doing? Not great today.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): AMA and nothing official, but probably DOR

Updates/questions: just in the TWW of first medicated cycle. But based on my FSH levels my hopes aren't high. Idk. I had one follicle when I triggered, I forget the measurements. And my progesterone at 8/9 dpo was 6.9 so I'm taking crinone.

Debbie downer (a place to vent):
*TW: OPP*
Two "oops we weren't even trying!" Pregnancy announcements this morning. Then just now my mom told me about another from a relative. I'm trying not to be bitter and judgy but she is in a situation in which I don't think a baby is a good idea, and she was trying. I know I know, it's not my business. I'm just being bitter and judgy.
Fuck this day.

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in?
I wouldn't call myself superstitious but I always "knock on wood" when I say something that I don't want to happen. Lol.

[caer]

(((Hugs))) mosdub. I posted something similar about this cycle in the TWW thread. For me, I think I'm subconsciously (or possibly consciously?) trying to protect myself from being so disappointed again. I'm sorry about your friend, too. I know how hard that feeling of being left behind can be.

Sending (((hugs))) @irish. PG announcements are always tough. I'm sorry you're not hopeful about this cycle. I'm sending you good thoughts for a happy outcome.

[jlincoln]

ladytiffany24 - I never realized there is a favorite part of the cycle - but I would totally agree with you on that timing. Glad you are feeling better. Also - I'm totally superstitious about watching/not watching sporting events.

caer - I'm sorry about the baby shower. With my recent loss that EDD date will always stand out and I'm hoping no friends or family announce they are pregnant and due around that same date.

Hugs @irish - I feel like those announcements just don't stop. I'm sorry you aren't feeling this cycle, hoping that you get a surprise.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched, hopefully only for a few more weeks??

Diagnosis (if applicable): Thin lining and I'm assuming poor egg quality

Updates/questions: My HCG last Monday was 39. So, I'm assuming it is close to zero and maybe AF will be in a few weeks? My RE doesn't want to test HCG again until AF comes and we do a sonohyst.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Just getting anxious to be able to move on.

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in? I will watch/stop watching my favorite sports teams (Go Cardinals!) if the game is close, thinking that will help. I used to have more growing up when I was playing sports, but not so much anymore.

[Deleted]

jlincoln im sorry, I hope you can move on soon

[Deleted]

mosdub I'm sorry. I do the fantasizing about being pregnant for certain things too. I was doing it this cycle for telling our families for Father's Day. But I'm also feeling pessimistic now. Sigh.

[akraus2015]

ladytiffany24 , the same thing literally just happened to me. Grr!!
caer , thanks for making me feel less crazy about the numbers...NO ODD NUMBERS!! I have to have even numbers on the volume control, thermostat, when pumping gas, etc. Maybe its more of weird quirk than a superstition.
jlincoln , hello fellow Cards fan!!

How are you doing? Not great. :/

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, CD 3 of Clomid + TI, Round 4

Diagnosis (if applicable): MTHFR and unrelated RPL

Updates/questions: We were supposed to start IUI this cycle, but the RE wants to discuss it with H and me in person beforehand, so we're doing one more round of Clomid + TI in the meantime.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): The more times I put this poison (that's literally what it feels like to me) into my body, the crazier it makes me. I have literally turned into a person I don't even recognize. This weekend, I tried to beat up my husband....I cannot even fathom that being something that I would do, but I did. I feel like this is going to kill us, and if he leaves, me, I honestly don't blame him. I know that he won't, but I hate that I'm putting him through this hell with me. It's almost not worth continuing, in my mind. If the journey to having a baby is going to destroy me (and my marriage), then what kind of life am I even bringing a baby into?!  I don't know how to continue this journey knowing the consequences it's having on my body and my relationships.

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in? Maybe more quirky than superstitious. (See above re: numbers.)

[caer]

So many (((hugs))) akraus2015. When I was talking to my RE about Clomid, she mentioned how harsh the mood swings can be. She said she frequently has to tell patients "we like your husband, and you do too. You just can't remember it right now." I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you do right now but I hope things will be better when the Clomid cloud clears. Sending love your way. (And yes! on the numbers! I love not being the only crazy one. )

I hope AF shows and you're able to move on soon jlincoln. I remember how difficult being benched can be. Sending (((hugs)))

[mosdub]

Hang in there akraus2015 I don't have experience with clomid but I've heard it can be a mindfuck. I hope you don't need to be on it for long

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? Not good

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, C12M15 AL, CD37

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: It appears that I'm still freakin WTO. I haven't had a long cycle like this since August. I'm so frustrated. When CD1 does finally come I'll be scheduling an SHG and at this point I'm just ready for that so it will hopefully give me some insight.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm having a really bad CAL/IF day. I had a baby related dream last night that had me crying when I woke up and realized it wasn't real, a FB post that rubbed me wrong, and then this cycle from hell that I'm still stuck in. Just not a good day for me and since I'm not working right now I have too much extra time on my hands to think about everything.

GTKY: Not at all superstitious.

[kayladawn91]

Glad you've been doing better ladytiffany24! GL this TWW!

caer *hugs*, those reminders of experiences that should have been are so hard.

mosdub *hugs* for feeling left behind. That's so hard.

@irish I'll second your "fuck this day" statement! GL in this TWW!

jlincoln I hope your numbers decrease quickly so you get continue TTC!

akraus2015 so so so many hugs being sent your way. I am so sorry the clomid is messing with you so badly.

[caer]

All the (((hugs))) kayladawn91. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. This all just sucks so fucking much. I wish I had advice or happy words, but I'll just say I get it. Sending love and light.

[kayladawn91]

@samrs22 is your appt Monday just a follow-up after your loss? Are they following your HCG down to zero? Sorry about your friends not giving you the space you need right now. I feel like if I told my family about my loss and IF they would be overly supportive to the point where I would need them to back off too.

[nobb14]

I'm jumping in. TW: OPP, LC mentioned









How are you doing? I was doing fine, even enjoying the TWW craziness - it's been a year since I was last pregnant so I've been relatively able to shelve the nerves and enjoy our first cycle. I've had three losses in the span of a year, all missed miscarriages late in the 1st tri, but I've been feeling optimistic about the future. And then I got blindsided yesterday.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained RPL

Updates/questions: none right now.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): ****TW*****







We adopted our infant son in the fall. We have an open adoption in a complicated situation with a complicated birth mother. She texted me out of the blue last night that she is pregnant, with a boy, with a different man than our sons birth father, and she wants our sons clothes for him. I spiraled pretty hard at that, and it was the first time in a long time another womans pregnancy hit me that hard. I think it was the unfairness of it all that got to me. Like, how does a woman manage to have two healthy pregnancies, without even trying, less than a year apart when I can't even make it through one pregnancy?

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in? I know that I am but can't come up with an example. Damn it!

[mosdub]

nobb14 that would hit me really hard too. I'm so sorry. That has to be so complicated Is she planning on raising the baby she is pregnant with now?

[kayladawn91]

Hugs nobb14, that situation definitely seems complicated. Sorry you're having to deal with that.

[nobb14]

@samrs22 I think your appointment will depend on whether it's an OB or an RE. I know it's different for every doctor and loss, too. I was able to get in to see an RE after my second loss, and undergo RPL testing (I have heard the norm is RPL after 3 so it was nice to not have to wait for a third loss at that point). He was very conservative so he didn't want me to do things like baby asprin/progesterone for a future pregnancy, but I've since switched doctors and my new one is pretty liberal about trying whatever will work. All of this to say, i would hold out hope that they can put a plan in place for your. Be your own advocate and push if necessary.

[nobb14]

Jun 15, 2016 6:28:26 GMT -5 mosdub said:

nobb14 that would hit me really hard too. I'm so sorry. That has to be so complicated Is she planning on raising the baby she is pregnant with now?

Yes, which adds a whole separate layer of frustration.

[caer]

I'm so sorry for your losses nobb14. Your situation is unique but I can definitely relate to that "why is this so easy for some people?" feeling. It sucks. Sending (((hugs)))

[mosdub]

Jun 15, 2016 6:50:01 GMT -5 nobb14 said:

Jun 15, 2016 6:28:26 GMT -5 mosdub said:

nobb14 that would hit me really hard too. I'm so sorry. That has to be so complicated Is she planning on raising the baby she is pregnant with now?

Yes, which adds a whole separate layer of frustration.

No kidding  I'm sorry.  I have no experience in this area, but I think you're valid in your feelings.   

[wannabmama]

ladytiffany24 yay for no need for Debbie downer, that is a great feeling!
caer the complicated feelings surrounding friends' pregnancies really messes with me. I have a friend's shower in a couple weeks and I know it's going to be hard.
mosdub literally every event that has happened over the last two years I've imagined doing KU and then the event comes and I'm not KU and it opens wounds. It's so hard to stay positive and keep dreaming of being KU when there are so many reminders that I'm not. I hope you get a surprise before vacation though!
Ugh I'm so sorry @irish that's a lot of oopsies yo deal with :/
Hope things move along for you jlincoln
I'm sorry for the crazy from clomid akraus2015 just remember it's temporary. I hope you don't have to do clomid again!
kayladawn91 I'm sorry for the rough day and too much time to contemplate on things. I hope today is better!
@samrs22 I'm sorry for friends who may have best intentions but need to just back off.
nobb14 first I applaud you for taking on a difficult adoption and providing a great home for your son. I'm so sorry for the new info, though, that is so tough. Hugs lady

[wannabmama]

How are you doing? Surprisingly ok

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): AMA, MFI, maybe DOR

Updates/questions: I've posted about this ad nauseum but my cycle was short and it messed up my chance to both cycle and do this trip with my gma and mom to take gma to her lake house. I'm meeting with the RE on Monday. As long as she doesn't say something to sway me, I think we'll put off cycling until August and I'll do the trip.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm starting to give up. I just don't have the energy to focus on this stuff all the time for much longer. It overwhelms me with sadness but this has been my whole life for two years and I don't know how much more I have to give to it.

QOTW: Are you superstitious? If you are, what kind of superstitions do you believe in? I'm not overly superstitious but I do knock on wood and sometimes worry about jinxing myself, that kind of thing.

[mosdub]

wannabmama I'm sorry your cycle messed up your trip plans waiting til August might give you the mental break you're feeling you need right now too, but it's hard to step away when you've been at it so long. Hope your RE is helpful and that the best option is mutually agreed upon. Also thanks for your encouragement

[mosdub]

Speaking of superstitions, I caught myself thinking "third times the charm" today when I saw I was on cycle 3 of ttc since the loss. I quickly dismissed it because it took me 8 cycles the first time, and when I was desperately waiting for my hcg to drop after the loss it took well over 6 months for it to drop. Apparently 3 is not the magic number for me.