You guys, I am having a hard time. I didn't want to write about this here, or anywhere. I feel so bad about it. But I am miserable.
I suffered from depression long before having E. and I am extremely introverted. I feel like I have no time to "recharge" on my own. I have too many things to worry about and people to tend to - E, H and DH. And I don't think I'm handling it well. I love both my girls and DH endlessly, but I feel like I am miserable with them every day. I know things are going to get better as H gets older, but then I feel guilty for being so unhappy while she's little - while they're both little. I feel like I spend all day every day looking forward to any moment I get alone... which only makes the guilt worse. I am taking Zoloft, but my PCP won't give me anxiety meds due to BFing. But stopping BF is out of the question in my head bc i fear it will feel like another failure as a mother. There are BF-safe anxiety meds but he hasn't listened when I've told him that. Either way, I feel no relief. I am just surviving each day, not enjoying my 2 beautiful girls or amazing husband. And idk what to do with myself.
That's a lot of why I haven't been around here. Or N16. Or the fb group. I don't want to be depressing. And I feel no energy to interact. I don't even have time for a therapist if I were to get one. And I know I'm rambling, so I'm sorry. I just feel so down, despite all of the happy things in my life. And I wish I could fix it somehow but I don't think I can. I'm scared. And again, so so sorry for burdening all of you with this. Feel free to ignore.. I just needed to write it somewhere.
Post by flippinchica on Feb 28, 2017 18:23:14 GMT -5
I'm sorry amberlie. Having 2 littles is really hard. Can you consider putting E in a Mother's Day out program a few times a week? Can you consider trying to see a therapist to help with the feelings of failure since you are not a failure? I know we feel like we should enjoy every minute but that really isn't the case for anyone (who is honest) ETA: I see you said you have no time for a therapist but remember your mental health is so important. Remember you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others.
amberlie, I am so sorry you are struggling. Know that you are NEVER a burden. Can your parents watch the girls so you can talk to someone? Or your OB give you appropriate meds. Hugs lady. We are here for you.
amberlie first big hugs lady. You can being anything here, we love you and see here for whatever you need.
Get a me doctor. You need one who will listen to what you are saying. Yippy area asking him for help and that should not be ignored or brushed off.
You are doing so much and rarely get a break. Can you get your mom to watch one or both of the girls so you can very some time for yourself?
I'm going to facebook message you my cell phone. Please use it any time you need. Call, text, whatever. If you need to vent, a pep talk, just want to talk to an adult instead of a kid, I'm here.
I love, I'm worried about you, I'll do anything I can to help.
Taking care of yourself allows you to be the best mom you can be. If you need/want to wean it doesn't make you a failure of a mom.
amberlie I second what pp have said but I want you to know you are absolutely not a failure. You are in a hard situation and feeling overwhelmed, and touched out. That is a completely normal reaction. You do not have to enjoy every moment.
Get a doc who will listen to you and help you through this process. I am on bf safe meds so you're right that they're definitely out there. I know sometimes that I felt like bf was the one thing I was doing "right" among the depression/anxiety and I too felt that if I weaned then where would that leave me. It's okay to wean. It's okay to not. But you need to do what makes you stable and happy. You are not a failure. I know your do works long hours but can you block out some time that you can be alone. Like what helped me was giving w to someone as soon as I bf so that I'd have 2-3 hours by myself. It really helped me re-energize to get that "not mama" time. I'll definitely give you my number if you need to talk/text things out. You are not a burden and we love you. Eta: BTW anxiety/depression /mood disorder were all wrong. I was doing a hundred wonderful "right" things for my kid I just couldn't see it through the haze. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job of mothering your children so let's work through the haze to see that.
Posted in wrong thread I have our family book club tonight and I want to just pass out. Ups wouldn't take the package because Amazon messed up and I couldn't log in. I've just reached my cap of stress today and h hasn't even been available to talk about the evals.
Post by redandblue on Feb 28, 2017 19:25:15 GMT -5
amberlie , +1 to what pp have said. And good for you for even talking about it here. This group is definitely a safe place and there are a number of people who can truly empathize with what you are experiencing. Good for you for reaching out and recognizing signs of struggle. We all struggle and no we don't love every moment of being a mom. You have an extremely challenging set of circumstances right now and the best thing you can do as a Mom is to get the help you need (Like pp said, you need put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can be there for others). I can't speak to the med's side of things, but I can say from a mom who did not have any choice on breast feeding or bottle feeding, I know M is healthy and thriving. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ff your baby, if it allows you time to yourself, and others to help with the load. Big hugs lady, we are here for you
Last Edit: Feb 28, 2017 19:29:44 GMT -5 by redandblue
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
Post by redandblue on Feb 28, 2017 19:27:35 GMT -5
Aw man the hate on poor Biebs. Poor Canadian Biebs...lol. I will say it, I am a fan. I am not necessarily a fan of all of his choices, but I can't imagine living life in the public eye while being an idiot teenager with a half developed brain. I do think he is incredibly talented (and also grew up very close to where I'm from! lol).
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
amberlie big hugs, mama. You are absolutely not a failure and never a burden. One little is hard. Two little feels near impossible a lot of the time. It's constantly juggling others' needs and desperately trying to find time for yourself. Even on the best days I look forward to bedtime so I can just sit and breathe for a second without someone touching or talking to me. I know your husband is busy with work, but if your mom can watch the girls for even a couple hours so you can go to a movie or just sit by yourself for a while, that might help. And I second finding a new doctor who will prescribe BF-ing-safe meds. They're available and it's terrible you can't use them.
We're always here if you need to vent, take a breath, have a laugh, anything.
Well we found out each appt is going to be $100 so that blows. I think we're still going to do the evals to see what kind of intervention we're looking at and then go from there. The nurse who called seemed really apologetic that out insurance sucked so bad.
I do usually have a bit of time to myself. For the past few weeks, my mom has taken E for the weekend and H for a few hours (at the same time) so DH and I can have time together. But I started feeling guilty that E didn't have any 1 on 1 time so last weekend, I chose to keep her for the day while my mom had E.
I plan to revisit my pcp with anxiety research next time as far as an rX. He gave me one when E was small with no question so I'm not sure what the issue is. I need to see a therapist I'm sure, but DH nor my mom are ever off during "regular business hours."
I just feel like I'm drowning. I've never had such negative thoughts until now. Really, I've been so tempted to just go to a liquor store. But I'm an alcoholic, so I know I can't. I feel like I need a break from everyone - including myself. And I don't know how to accomplish that.
Post by redandblue on Feb 28, 2017 19:34:58 GMT -5
packmomma,sorry the appointments are so expensive. I will say that often little ones will focus on one area of development, while another area isn't necessarily a focus for them. So could be that W is focusing more on his gross motor and cognition, while taking a bit of a break from his verbal communication. It never helps to get things looked at and have another perspective on next steps. (I know you know, but wanted to add to it).
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
Also packmomma and redandblue I can't let go of BFing, at least not now. I have been blessed to have no issue with BFing either girl, and honestly feel like it's the only right thing I'm doing. I know there is absolutely nothing at all wrong or lesser with FFing, but I am happy about BFing and don't want to stop.
ETA and thankfully Hazel has no issue taking bottles, unlike E who wouldn't do it.
Post by redandblue on Feb 28, 2017 19:40:55 GMT -5
amberlie, I have done counseling over the phone before. Felt very weird at first, but to be honest, it was just fine. The counselor was good, and asked the kinds of questions that helped me at the time. One day at a time. Keep reaching out to those around who can offer support.
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
Post by mommabakes on Feb 28, 2017 19:43:27 GMT -5
amberlie Hugs girl. Don't ever feel like you can't post. We're always here for you. Definitely look into switching doctors. You do not need one who just ignores what you're saying. Make sure your DH knows how you're feeling too, I know he works crazy hours, but maybe he can help you think of a way to get a little alone time. If you need to stop bfing, that's okay! Don't beat yourself up. Your mental health is very important and shouldn't take the backseat. I hope you can find a way to improve things soon.
Post by redandblue on Feb 28, 2017 19:43:46 GMT -5
ampaints, I just want to say that I think you are incredibly thoughtful, caring and kind. You make people feel better by just being around them (even if it is strangers on the interwebs). I just wanted to share that and give you a shout out.
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
Post by th3stryck3r on Feb 28, 2017 20:04:51 GMT -5
amberlie, hugs and nodding along to everything pp's have said. Please be kind to yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help, or to change doctors if you need.
Me: 39 DH: 39 DS1 born Sept 1999 Married Nov 2010 TTC 2010 2011 BFP ended in ectopic RE Aug 2014. Unexplained infertility Sept 2014-Dec 2014 fermera/IUI/TI BFN's
August 16, 2015 baby Boy M is born and our hearts melt!
amberlie I have a therapist that I see on Saturdays and I was going to another one (while mine was on maternity leave) that saw people until 9pm so there's definitely people out there who can help. Infant risk and lactmed are super helpful when it comes to finding out if a drug is safe (I call infant risk but lactmed is an app). I usually pull these up as I'm talking to my psychiatrist.
redandblue thanks he definitely focuses on movement but the worrisome thing is he's recently started regressing. He's saying less Words consistently than he was 3 months ago. That's why she wanted to get him checked. He might have a major verbal growth spurt soon but the regression is troubling.
amberlie I'm still bf so I definitely get that. I really did feel that some days it was the o my good thing I could do. You are doing a million great things though so I just wanted to say don't keep breastfeeding out of guilt or over your own mental health. I'm glad she takes bottles. How long does she go between feeds (if you don't mind me asking).?
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