Bumps and WTFs

[sstwinklinglites]

Apr 26, 2017 10:00:43 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

Apr 26, 2017 9:55:03 GMT -5 dogmama22 said:

Ugh. I can't even imagine what you've been through. Thanks for being open to discussing it. Sounds like I definitely need to be more aware of my surroundings

of course--- my co-workers have been asking me about this all of sudden -- I think more people are aware overall so that's helpful. 

It happens so often sometimes I'm numb to it which is so annoying. I guess that's why I'm so type A and aggressive with my career. My favorite moments is when I walk into a room full of white men and literally out rank them I feel like sticking my chest out and banging on it lol. 

I'm glad all of you are so open to it and accept that white privilege exist. It's even worse for my H. I can't even imagine what he's encountered. He hates when we go to new neighborhoods or to peoples houses --- sad. In our old neighborhood our old neighbors called the cops on H on accident and they admitted they hadn't seen people like him in the neighborhood and totally apologized but damage is done you know. 

Lol to the first bolded.

And wtf to the second? So basically, they were saying, they had never seen a black man in the neighborhood before? Because one being there obviously means he's there to steal your stuff? I'm so annoyed right now.

[mrscatfarmer13]

Apr 26, 2017 9:55:59 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

Apr 26, 2017 9:14:14 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

H in the past, when he was very against staying here, mentioned that people here were very racist. He didn't site a specific situation he's been in. But he doesn't look white like DS & I do either, so I can believe it. I can't say I've noticed anything myself, against him, or anyone else. I don't know if me hanging out with a POC plays into them being treated differently, or if I'm just not seeing it. If strangers knew I'm Hispanic, would they treat me differently? I dunno. When I help H with job apps and stuff though, I do hesitate to answer the question about ethnicity. I do wonder if it plays a roll.

Totally random thought but for jobs it generally helps I check all the boxes FF -- the one advantage minorites have in the workplace -- especially if its federal contractor with an Affirmative Action plan (well until Trump removes that but for now it does help). 

I totally agree with this. If two people with equal experience and credentials are applying for a job, but one is a minority, the minority is in a better position to receive an offer if there's an Affirmative Action open. Even with the current political state, I think most organizations  are always looking to expand diversity, albeit, their motives might not be in the best place...

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:04:50 GMT -5 babylove518 said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:00:43 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

of course--- my co-workers have been asking me about this all of sudden -- I think more people are aware overall so that's helpful. 

It happens so often sometimes I'm numb to it which is so annoying. I guess that's why I'm so type A and aggressive with my career. My favorite moments is when I walk into a room full of white men and literally out rank them I feel like sticking my chest out and banging on it lol. 

I'm glad all of you are so open to it and accept that white privilege exist. It's even worse for my H. I can't even imagine what he's encountered. He hates when we go to new neighborhoods or to peoples houses --- sad. In our old neighborhood our old neighbors called the cops on H on accident and they admitted they hadn't seen people like him in the neighborhood and totally apologized but damage is done you know. 

On accident? And "people like him". That angers me. Hopefully our generation can be the one to really reduce this crap way of thinking. We are all human.

Yes definitely and uncomfortable moment. And we always try to think -- did that happen because we're X or was it just because it would happen to anyone. I will say I do think our generation is getting SO much better which is awesome.  

[sstwinklinglites]

Apr 26, 2017 10:04:50 GMT -5 babylove518 said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:00:43 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

of course--- my co-workers have been asking me about this all of sudden -- I think more people are aware overall so that's helpful. 

It happens so often sometimes I'm numb to it which is so annoying. I guess that's why I'm so type A and aggressive with my career. My favorite moments is when I walk into a room full of white men and literally out rank them I feel like sticking my chest out and banging on it lol. 

I'm glad all of you are so open to it and accept that white privilege exist. It's even worse for my H. I can't even imagine what he's encountered. He hates when we go to new neighborhoods or to peoples houses --- sad. In our old neighborhood our old neighbors called the cops on H on accident and they admitted they hadn't seen people like him in the neighborhood and totally apologized but damage is done you know. 

On accident? And "people like him". That angers me. Hopefully our generation can be the one to really reduce this crap way of thinking. We are all human.

H & I talk about this a lot. I'm convinced (maybe just hopeful), that our generation and those younger than ours will be the ones to really change things. Like, we're at the forefront of change. I kinda feel like Trump and his supporters are the last of a dying breed. Like they're holding on to all this racist rhetoric and all that in a desperate attempt to not change the status quo, but it's clear younger generations don't have the same frame of mind.

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:05:54 GMT -5 babylove518 said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:01:47 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

I need to take a bump pic -- I just look so huge all the weight I lost is now back

I heard (no personal experience, lol) that if you lost weight before you got PG, it's easier to lose after the baby comes. Hopefully that's true!

That would be AMAZING. I hope that's right. 

[becole]

One of the reasons racism continues is because the idea of privilege and the false notion of being "color blind" has to be taught and corrected in order for it not to be inadvertently extended to another generation. Social media is actually great for this. Over time, I think we're going to see young people generally open to changing their mindset and the racists will die off.

[becole]

Apr 26, 2017 10:11:08 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:04:50 GMT -5 babylove518 said:

On accident? And "people like him". That angers me. Hopefully our generation can be the one to really reduce this crap way of thinking. We are all human.

H & I talk about this a lot. I'm convinced (maybe just hopeful), that our generation and those younger than ours will be the ones to really change things. Like, we're at the forefront of change. I kinda feel like Trump and his supporters are the last of a dying breed. Like they're holding on to all this racist rhetoric and all that in a desperate attempt to not change the status quo, but it's clear younger generations don't have the same frame of mind.

We must have been posting the same thought at the same time lol.

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:11:08 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:04:50 GMT -5 babylove518 said:

On accident? And "people like him". That angers me. Hopefully our generation can be the one to really reduce this crap way of thinking. We are all human.

H & I talk about this a lot. I'm convinced (maybe just hopeful), that our generation and those younger than ours will be the ones to really change things. Like, we're at the forefront of change. I kinda feel like Trump and his supporters are the last of a dying breed. Like they're holding on to all this racist rhetoric and all that in a desperate attempt to not change the status quo, but it's clear younger generations don't have the same frame of mind.

Exactly -- I've been noticed more blended couples and more allies. I do see some change just have to wait for the last of the ignorants to die off ... sad to say but it's the truth and pray they haven't poisoned their children. 

[sstwinklinglites]

Apr 26, 2017 10:12:30 GMT -5 becole said:

One of the reasons racism continues is because the idea of privilege and the false notice of being "color blind" has to be taught and corrected in order for it not to be inadvertently extended to another generation. Social media is actually great for this. Over time, I think we're going to see young people generally open to changing their mindset and the racists will die off.

I have had to explain privilege to H more than once now. Like, he's not dense, but he doesn't get it. I'm like, that right there, that's privilege. Then again, he loves to rile me up and argue with me when I get passionate, so he can be doing it on purpose... not unheard of in our house. And I don't even see it because I'm so worked up.

[becole]

Like I don't want to be racist. My parents are not racist. They didn't want to raise a racist kid.
But I learned really quickly going from all white grade school to 50% minority high school that there are things I cannot and should not do or say because they are offensive. I didn't know they were offensive.
Like even calling hair "ethnic" or talking about my hair versus a POC hair. Like I'm just trying to have a casual conversation and I learned I was ignorant. It happens still. I hope POC will continue to call out me and other white folks because we're dumb. We don't know what we don't know.

[sstwinklinglites]

Apr 26, 2017 10:13:59 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:11:08 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

H & I talk about this a lot. I'm convinced (maybe just hopeful), that our generation and those younger than ours will be the ones to really change things. Like, we're at the forefront of change. I kinda feel like Trump and his supporters are the last of a dying breed. Like they're holding on to all this racist rhetoric and all that in a desperate attempt to not change the status quo, but it's clear younger generations don't have the same frame of mind.

Exactly -- I've been noticed more blended couples and more allies. I do see some change just have to wait for the last of the ignorants to die off ... sad to say but it's the truth and pray they haven't poisoned their children. 

The bolded. They pass it on to their kids. But I think that with today's openness with social media and opportunities for education it's easier to change that. Not everyone has those opportunities, and in some people, it's so deeply ingrained it's a lost cause, but overall, I think we're moving in the right direction with the younger generations.

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:15:57 GMT -5 becole said:

Like I don't want to be racist. My parents are not racist. They didn't want to raise a racist kid.
But I learned really quickly going from all white grade school to 50% minority high school that there are things I cannot and should not do or say because they are offensive. I didn't know they were offensive.
Like even calling hair "ethnic" or talking about my hair versus a POC hair. Like I'm just trying to have a casual conversation and I learned I was ignorant. It happens still. I hope POC will continue to call out me and other white folks because we're dumb. We don't know what we don't know.

I'm firm believer and just being open and honest and I always tell my friends to ask questions. Some people get offended by questions -- about hair, food, etc but if we aren't open with each other how will we learn. Hair questions are my favorite and the ones I get more often than not. I think unless you're corrected you'll keep doing the same thing. The new joke with my friends is -- your privilege is showing you may want to put that back in your purse.... 

I will say I love that we are talking about this. 

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:17:56 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:13:59 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

Exactly -- I've been noticed more blended couples and more allies. I do see some change just have to wait for the last of the ignorants to die off ... sad to say but it's the truth and pray they haven't poisoned their children. 

The bolded. They pass it on to their kids. But I think that with today's openness with social media and opportunities for education it's easier to change that. Not everyone has those opportunities, and in some people, it's so deeply ingrained it's a lost cause, but overall, I think we're moving in the right direction with the younger generations.

For sure ! I definitely agree. I love when I see kids speak up for others. Literally makes me want to cry ... 

[sstwinklinglites]

Apr 26, 2017 10:18:51 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:15:57 GMT -5 becole said:

Like I don't want to be racist. My parents are not racist. They didn't want to raise a racist kid.
But I learned really quickly going from all white grade school to 50% minority high school that there are things I cannot and should not do or say because they are offensive. I didn't know they were offensive.
Like even calling hair "ethnic" or talking about my hair versus a POC hair. Like I'm just trying to have a casual conversation and I learned I was ignorant. It happens still. I hope POC will continue to call out me and other white folks because we're dumb. We don't know what we don't know.

I'm firm believer and just being open and honest and I always tell my friends to ask questions. Some people get offended by questions -- about hair, food, etc but if we aren't open with each other how will we learn. Hair questions are my favorite and the ones I get more often than not. I think unless you're corrected you'll keep doing the same thing. The new joke with my friends is -- your privilege is showing you may want to put that back in your purse.... 

I will say I love that we are talking about this. 

Nobody has asked me more questions than you. I don't take offense. It shows someone wants to know more and learn. And I learned to love collard greens. We're all better for it. Lol.

[chrispy1122]

This is something that I think about a lot. It's crazy to me the number of educated and successful people that will do or say things that are so racially tone deaf. Ex. "All lives matter" or the only reason so and so got into this school or this job is because they are a minority. I think part of it is because they've never had a close friend or family that was of a different race. They're just so trapped in their own experience they don't know that they're racist.

Asians face a different kind of discrimination than hispanics and blacks. In my experience, Asians face less overt discrimination but face a lot of challenges stemming from unconscious bias in the workplace that occurs (ex. Asians are docile so viewed as good worker bees but not as good leaders/managers). From taking to my friends, blacks and hispanics will often personally experience both.

[becole]

One thing that I struggle with in thinking about adoption is what is the right thing to do regarding race there. I always thought that we would just adopt a younger child and not specify race. But then as I've done my research, I've basically read that it's not as good for the child to be raised by a different ethnicity and that there are plenty of ethnicities that will adopt their own- so it's not like there's a lack of adopting parents.
It's just another example of trying to do the "right" thing but since I'm not a POC, I can't really speak to what the right thing is. And then the fact that obviously not everyone agrees on this regardless of whether white or not. And then if I did adopt a child of another race, would I fully be able and capable to take care of the child in all the wonderful ways that the culture could have added to their life. It's so confusing. The show "This is Us" I hope will explore that a bit further too.

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:22:51 GMT -5 sstwinklinglites said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:18:51 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

I'm firm believer and just being open and honest and I always tell my friends to ask questions. Some people get offended by questions -- about hair, food, etc but if we aren't open with each other how will we learn. Hair questions are my favorite and the ones I get more often than not. I think unless you're corrected you'll keep doing the same thing. The new joke with my friends is -- your privilege is showing you may want to put that back in your purse.... 

I will say I love that we are talking about this. 

Nobody has asked me more questions than you. I don't take offense. It shows someone wants to know more and learn. And I learned to love collard greens. We're all better for it. Lol.

lol -- I always like to learn -- I'm so intrigued by the differences. I guess its because its not taught in school. Yes collard greens lol -- I should make those for our November gathering ... wonder if I can make other believers  

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:23:47 GMT -5 chrispy1122 said:

This is something that I think about a lot. It's crazy to me the number of educated and successful people that will do or say things that are so racially tone deaf. Ex. "All lives matter" or the only reason so and so got into this school or this job is because they are a minority. I think part of it is because they've never had a close friend or family that was of a different race. They're just so trapped in their own experience they don't know that they're racist.

Asians face a different kind of discrimination than hispanics and blacks. In my experience, Asians face less overt discrimination but face a lot of challenges stemming from unconscious bias in the workplace that occurs (ex. Asians are docile so viewed as good worker bees but not as good leaders/managers). From taking to my friends, blacks and hispanics will often personally experience both.

Interesting that's a good point. I haven't actually thought about it -- I wonder if it has to do with the skin color, etc. I've always been so intrigued by diversity, etc. 

[mominthemaking14]

Apr 26, 2017 10:25:14 GMT -5 becole said:

One thing that I struggle with in thinking about adoption is what is the right thing to do regarding race there. I always thought that we would just adopt a younger child and not specify race. But then as I've done my research, I've basically read that it's not as good for the child to be raised by a different ethnicity and that there are plenty of ethnicities that will adopt their own- so it's not like there's a lack of adopting parents.
It's just another example of trying to do the "right" thing but since I'm not a POC, I can't really speak to what the right thing is. And then the fact that obviously not everyone agrees on this regardless of whether white or not. And then if I did adopt a child of another race, would I fully be able and capable to take care of the child in all the wonderful ways that the culture could have added to their life. It's so confusing. The show "This is Us" I hope will explore that a bit further too.

This is a topic in our house all the time. When I was younger I would get annoyed to see a non-POC with a child of color like it would literally piss me off but now as I've gotten older. A child needs a home, I think the most important thing is exposure and education. I grew up in a primarily white neighborhood -- shocker and didn't get really exposed until I was in college and I still struggle with relationships with people that look like me just because we have different experiences, which is why I expose A to everything possible maybe I over do it but you live and you learn. 

H and I plan to adapt a child regardless of race if we decide to have a third and if I get a blonde haired blue eyed boy one of you will have to teach me some things  

[sstwinklinglites]

With Hispanics, they're racist against each other too. Like, a white Cuban is racist against a black Cuban. But any Cuban is better than a Mexican. The problem is everywhere, not just in Western Societies (not that anyone thinks it's just here, but white America being racist against everyone else seems to be such a prevalent thing). And in Hispanic cultures, women have the added misogyny to deal with. It is real folks. Women are totally less than men in every way in these cultures. It's very different for women in Hispanic families being raised in this country, because of the exposure this country offers, so it actually really helps us that way, but in sheltered families, you do what your daddy, husband, granddaddy, etc. tell you, no questions.

[sstwinklinglites]

Apr 26, 2017 10:25:14 GMT -5 becole said:

One thing that I struggle with in thinking about adoption is what is the right thing to do regarding race there. I always thought that we would just adopt a younger child and not specify race. But then as I've done my research, I've basically read that it's not as good for the child to be raised by a different ethnicity and that there are plenty of ethnicities that will adopt their own- so it's not like there's a lack of adopting parents.
It's just another example of trying to do the "right" thing but since I'm not a POC, I can't really speak to what the right thing is. And then the fact that obviously not everyone agrees on this regardless of whether white or not. And then if I did adopt a child of another race, would I fully be able and capable to take care of the child in all the wonderful ways that the culture could have added to their life. It's so confusing. The show "This is Us" I hope will explore that a bit further too.

I know several families that have adopted. They all have adopted a child of color. From what I've learned, it is a lot easier to adopt one of these children because people are not lining up for them sadly. I know of one woman, single mother who adopted a little girl from Haiti, and she's taken the girl back to Haiti to see her birth family and experience that world. I really wouldn't hesitate in adopting a child of color. That child needs a family NOW. I wouldn't wait for someone of color to pick them up instead.

[becole]

Apr 26, 2017 10:32:45 GMT -5 mominthemaking14 said:

Apr 26, 2017 10:25:14 GMT -5 becole said:

One thing that I struggle with in thinking about adoption is what is the right thing to do regarding race there. I always thought that we would just adopt a younger child and not specify race. But then as I've done my research, I've basically read that it's not as good for the child to be raised by a different ethnicity and that there are plenty of ethnicities that will adopt their own- so it's not like there's a lack of adopting parents.
It's just another example of trying to do the "right" thing but since I'm not a POC, I can't really speak to what the right thing is. And then the fact that obviously not everyone agrees on this regardless of whether white or not. And then if I did adopt a child of another race, would I fully be able and capable to take care of the child in all the wonderful ways that the culture could have added to their life. It's so confusing. The show "This is Us" I hope will explore that a bit further too.

This is a topic in our house all the time. When I was younger I would get annoyed to see a non-POC with a child of color like it would literally piss me off but now as I've gotten older. A child needs a home, I think the most important thing is exposure and education. I grew up in a primarily white neighborhood -- shocker and didn't get really exposed until I was in college and I still struggle with relationships with people that look like me just because we have different experiences, which is why I expose A to everything possible maybe I over do it but you live and you learn. 

H and I plan to adapt a child regardless of race if we decide to have a third and if I get a blonde haired blue eyed boy one of you will have to teach me some things  

I get what you're saying. I need allies from that ethnicity if I have a black/ Hispanic/ Asian child. It would not serve the child any good for the community to turn away from both of us because of the choice. But I also don't want the cultural allies to be like "why would you adopt a child of color?" and also for me to really struggle with figuring out ways to expose the child to a community that I am not a part of. You can have friends of different cultures but that's still not going to help fully encapsulate all the nuances of being black/Asian/ Hispanic.

[chrispy1122]

Apr 26, 2017 10:15:57 GMT -5 becole said:

Like I don't want to be racist. My parents are not racist. They didn't want to raise a racist kid.
But I learned really quickly going from all white grade school to 50% minority high school that there are things I cannot and should not do or say because they are offensive. I didn't know they were offensive.
Like even calling hair "ethnic" or talking about my hair versus a POC hair. Like I'm just trying to have a casual conversation and I learned I was ignorant. It happens still. I hope POC will continue to call out me and other white folks because we're dumb. We don't know what we don't know.

This! I've put my foot in my mouth so many times, but I'd like to think I'm better for it because people point it out to me. As an example, a couple of years ago I was talking with a friend about another girl we both know who is a writer/journalist and has focused her work and study on BLM and police brutality (her brother was killed during a police traffic stop). I think I said something like how I was glad she is so vocal on Facebook and I've learned so much from the articles she posts, etc., and that I didn't know how much of a problem it was until recently. I'm still not sure what I meant to say, but I should have thought before I said that to someone who worries daily about her brother, dad and other friends and has has this fear for her whole life despite being raised in upper class neighborhood, going to private schools, etc. I'm glad that she told me that she was annoyed by what I said because I generally like when things are out in the open and because it made me really think about how I should be having conversations like that and looking at things from the other persons view.

[dogmama22]

I'm learning a lot here. Thanks to everyone who's been so open. I'm trying to educate myself more as well. To be honest, growing up, my family had a pretty serious racist attitude. They'll try to deny it, but it runs deep through the West Virginia roots. They're improving, but I feel like Trump has intensified things again. I want to do all I can to make sure Z doesn't see those things. I really want him to be a loving person that embraces people that are different from him.

[lindsay]

I think it's super helpful to be open to asking questions and having dialogue around these topics, and being willing to consider/hear someone else's POV. Vs, I think the alternative is making sweeping statements or just automatically saying "I'm right, you're wrong" (even if that is mostly true). Bc it fosters more of a safe space to hear and learn. I say all the time to just give it to me straight and that I can take it, but honestly it's much more helpful and makes me feel more open if I don't feel attacked or judged. Plus questions, vs just bombarding with info, help the learning process.

[lindsay]

The only way I'm making it through work these days is lunch time naps/laying down in my car. I just feel like crap. I think I'm going to give myself a cut-off date of making it to week 37, then taking leave.

[lindsay]

Half hoping the babies are here by then though. But then I wanna smack myself because 38 weeks is probably best for them.

[babylove518]

lindsay, how many weeks are you now? Don't feel bad about giving yourself a cut off date! You need it.

[dogmama22]

Apr 26, 2017 12:08:57 GMT -5 lindsay said:

Half hoping the babies are here by then though. But then I wanna smack myself because 38 weeks is probably best for them.

37 weeks would be so good for twins, though. 38 weeks would be amazing

[chrispy1122]

lindsay you are a rock star! You're doing such a great job growing those babies, raising Z, and working full time to boot. That shit is hard and I'm so impressed with you. You should definitely take leave if you can and you need it. I feel like no one would argue that someone who is 37 weeks pregnant with twins doesn't need it.