NWPR: Anyone ever been divorced?

[somebabiesmom]

I feel this creeping up on me, but I can't get out of my head to weigh the pros and cons objectively. H refuses therapy and I'm not inclined to go by myself. I think it would save our marriage if we did go, b/c he's a great guy in a million ways, but needs to learn how to be a good dad and a good H. I have stuff, too. I see such great potential in our future together - there's a lot of love there, financial stability is here and the future looks bright, we have great, healthy kids; but our trajectory does not seem to be moving in the direction of that potential. He's insanely negative, complains constantly, has a short fuse, extremely defensive, and so focused on himself. Loving, but super-self-centered. It's like he just doesn't know how to take care of anyone but himself. He's failed to be there for me so, so many times. He hears nothing that I say. (Literally - 9/10x he tunes me out and doesn't respond. Even if he is listening, he claims I'm lying. There is no purpose to speaking to him about anything. Even something like, "I bought you a new shirt" is not heard.) And he's contrary about everything. My son is bothered by our fighting and I don't have any idea what to do to not fight, but still be able to say even 2 words to him. Just "Hi, babe" can spark a fight.

Things have been in the shitter since I was about 6 mos pregnant with DS (so almost 3 yrs). I kept thinking I just needed to kind of "hold my breath" to get past DD's first birthday when the hardest part (in theory) would be over. And it is largely over (save the part where we are a lot busier now) and things aren't better. DD will be turning one this weekend and I have yet to get my breath back or to blow some life into our sails. Everything should be wonderful. These last 3 years should have been wonderful and filled with memories of us bonding over our children. We have so much going for us and our kids are doing so well! Except he wakes up and begins immediately complaining and swearing and yelling and ruining everyone's...I don't know...shot at a good day? We should be stronger than ever b/c of all of the wonderful things we've had to share over the last 3 years - but all he talks about is kids being a mistake, me being a mistake, buying a house being a mistake. How do you walk away from someone who appears to have really made a mistake with their lives but won't let go?

Objectively speaking, it would be financially feasible to divorce but very, very tight for both of us. And we'd lose about $700 in expendable income that could go towards our kids or making our lives better. I would be losing a lot of time with the kids, and probably wouldn't be able to have them overnight during the week due to my schedule (which is necessary b/c of DC costs). Eventually, he would get promoted and things would get way better for him and the kids. Not that that would change to much for me. DC costs won't go down until 2018. Me, however, there is no mobility in my job, raises are tiny, bonuses are barely 2 weeks of groceries, and the position may be eliminated in 2-5 years. I haven't practiced since 2009...

Anyhoo, I can't talk about this with anyone "IRL" b/c H and I have been through a lot of ups and downs - and maybe this is one of those... Everyone I know (except his friends and family) would be clapping if I told them I wanted a divorce. Then they would lose their patience with me or hold grudges against him and/or I'd lose my credibility, if I didn't divorce him. So I just don't talk to them about it and if they say something to me, I stick up for us b/c it makes my life easier. I would just as soon shock everyone with the news that we are getting divorced than include anyone in figuring it out.

I was going to stop after the first paragraph, but this keeps getting longer. I'm just going to stop. typing.

[welly01]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. Divorce is heartbreaking, especially when kids are involved. But I also don't think its healthy for kids to grow up in a "hostile" environment.

[emmyg65]

I know you say you're not inclined to go to therapy by yourself, but I think you probably should. There's a lot to work through here and it'll be helpful to be able to do that with a neutral third party.

[Deleted]

I have not been divorced so no advice there. DH has been like yours in the past, but only for a couple of months while under severe stress. I don't think I would be able to live under those conditions for 3 years. I was already planning on leaving after those 2 months, when he turned it around.

That being said, your line of not wanting to go to counseling yourself really stuck out to me. 1. I attended counseling by myself and it was extremely helpful for our relationship. DH didn't want to go, but would participate in the "homework". 2. If by not wanting to go to counseling yourself means that you are past the point of trying to save the relationship, that is OK too. However go for yourself, not for the relationship. They can help you decide if you want to stay or not. And if you do stay they can give you strategies for dealing with it/ maybe making it better. And if you don't stay they can help you figure out the divorce part.

So my advice is go to counseling yourself to help you figure out your next step in life. I get not wanting to and I get not having time, but I think it will really really help. And if doesn't help, then try a different counselor. Good luck!

[sugarcraze]

No advice here either - and I'm sorry for all this. It's a lot to handle and keep to yourself for 3 years. You definitely deserve better than to be a 'mistake' as he puts it. My advice, go talk to somebody on your own for a bit. He might come around if you go and work through this with somebody else and then start to go with you. Or, talking with that third party who is in that line of work can give you some really good suggestions for how to deal with your situation to see if it'll improve or not. At that point, you've really done all you can and I think you might have a better idea where things stand.

I really wish you all the best.

[2chatter]

I am remarried. I divorced in a crazy situation - a year into my first marriage (to an accountant who worked for a large firm), after I was pregnant with DD and due in a few months, my ex announced while on vacation that he had quit his job and had no intention of returning. He only told me this because his brother had robbed us and destroyed my PhD research (like, broke the cds, took the papers outside in the rain, broke all the tapes and stole my laptop) and I was WAY freaked out and wanted to move back to the States. He never went back to work, and started gambling. Men would show up at my house demanding money at all hours. I could not buy groceries, but made more than enough to support our family. It took that kind of financial abuse for me to entertain divorce - it came down to the safety and health of the children. I thought I could not do two kids alone, but made the decision to try while pregnant with my second DD.

My DH, five years into my second marriage, can be like you describe yours. He's just an a-hole a lot of the time (no regret talk though), and very self-centered. I attribute this to his career - he hates where he works and he was not like this at all before he worked there. I am in the camp of divorce for abuse, but not unhappiness, as it's a messy, awful process and the aftermath is not any better. It's worse than you can imagine in terms of kids, money, time and emotional impact unless you have a spouse who really also wants to divorce and really will put the kids first. I count myself lucky that my ex is still a mess, so except a day or two a month, the girls don't see him. I would love for him to be functional and more involved, and have done everything I can to support that relationship - but there are limits to how much you can do to change things for someone to whom you are not married.

Long way to say - I would seriously really consider what your lives would be like post-divorce and the impact on not only your kids, but you and your future -- sacrificing security and the nuclear family for unhappiness doesn't yield happiness in most cases I have seen, it just gives you a different set of unhappy issues. I assume he was not always like this, what changed? Is he emotionally abusive? I advocate leaving for abuse, but little else as the other side, for most women, is not like my situation (I essentially got a giant raise and the ability to live a life free from insanity).

[k3am]

First off.. this sucks. I'm sorry you're feeling so stuck. I know even with a huge post, we definitely don't get the whole picture of what's going on, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I'd start with therapy/counseling. Even if it's just you going, you can say you put every effort into saving your marriage. I personally never want to let a relationship go (friendship or marriage) that I wanted to save without being able to say I tried everything I could think of to make it work. (Unless this is a situation where you don't want it to work).

If your relationship is volatile, unhealthy, outright dangerous, or for whatever reason you think ending it is the right reason, I wouldn't cling to it for an issue like money unless you would literally be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Kids tend to grow up and emulate the relationship their parents had - the trade-off of your kids seeing you in healthy spot mentally is totally worth it.

[somebabiesmom]

I did go and after a few months, I realized the guy had completely missed the point of why I was there. He seemed to think I should divorce H b/c I didn't like him - when the issue is that I do like him, but I don't know how to handle him when he's being a dick.

[2chatter]

I would totally try a different therapist. DH and I went to pre-marital counseling with a counselor who SUCKED. But I was super paranoid after my first experience, so stuck it out with the sucky counselor. We switched when we had some insane blended family issues (also, nothing you can even imagine until you are in the situation -- you inherit your new spouses' ex in addition to the kids, and that was a huge problem for us because she is crazy - like she has several diagnoses and does truly crazy/dangerous/manipulative things - including faking a miscarriage when finding out I was pregnant and telling the kids all about it and threatening to kill our son in the hospital to the point that the police were alerted in two cities, I was registered under a private name and they locked down the maternity ward). The second counselor was great and really heard us - whereas I felt like the first one heard that we wanted to make sure we had a solid foundation and proceeded with a checklist that took into account none of my specific needs or DH's.

And I know all that I have typed above sounds insane and isolated - sadly, it's not. DD's BFF's Dad set up a Skype sting with her brother and mom to catch the mom providing academic advice (course selection for junior high) - and he used that to say that she was not co-parenting and brought forth a court case to limit the mom's time - that he won in regard to that one child. It really has messed up their family. I have dozens of stories like this - I sometimes feel like I am part of a secret society -- after people find out you are divorced they sort of feel you out....and then share their insanity where non-divorced people generally have no idea about the things that go on. I had no idea until I was on the other side.

[junewife]

I don't have any advice, but I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'd definitely be resentful and hurt if my DH said that my kids and I were a mistake. Hugs.

[somebabiesmom]

He has always been "high-maintenance," but in the last few months before DS was born, he went from being a dick sometimes, to being a big dick more often; then after DD was born, being a dick all the time. Being a dad stresses him out. There really is so much here...he has anxiety issues that he refuses to treat beyond managing panic attacks, he's a hypochondriac, abusive dad who died in October, negligent mom who has all but disappeared since dad died, indigent upbringing, stressful job (that he loves though and is highly respected), struggling to sleep, struggling to bond with DD, etc., etc., etc. He basically acts like he's the one with PPD.

[k3am]

somebabiesmom, don't give up on therapy because of one bad therapist. That would be like giving up on Mexican food because you ate at Taco Bell.

Therapists have all different styles and personalities, they're definitely not a one size fits all type of situation.

[somebabiesmom]

Feb 26, 2015 10:00:18 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I am remarried. I divorced in a crazy situation - a year into my first marriage (to an accountant who worked for a large firm), after I was pregnant with DD and due in a few months, my ex announced while on vacation that he had quit his job and had no intention of returning. He only told me this because his brother had robbed us and destroyed my PhD research (like, broke the cds, took the papers outside in the rain, broke all the tapes and stole my laptop) and I was WAY freaked out and wanted to move back to the States. He never went back to work, and started gambling. Men would show up at my house demanding money at all hours. I could not buy groceries, but made more than enough to support our family. It took that kind of financial abuse for me to entertain divorce - it came down to the safety and health of the children. I thought I could not do two kids alone, but made the decision to try while pregnant with my second DD.

My DH, five years into my second marriage, can be like you describe yours. He's just an a-hole a lot of the time (no regret talk though), and very self-centered. I attribute this to his career - he hates where he works and he was not like this at all before he worked there. I am in the camp of divorce for abuse, but not unhappiness, as it's a messy, awful process and the aftermath is not any better. It's worse than you can imagine in terms of kids, money, time and emotional impact unless you have a spouse who really also wants to divorce and really will put the kids first. I count myself lucky that my ex is still a mess, so except a day or two a month, the girls don't see him. I would love for him to be functional and more involved, and have done everything I can to support that relationship - but there are limits to how much you can do to change things for someone to whom you are not married.

Long way to say - I would seriously really consider what your lives would be like post-divorce and the impact on not only your kids, but you and your future -- sacrificing security and the nuclear family for unhappiness doesn't yield happiness in most cases I have seen, it just gives you a different set of unhappy issues. I assume he was not always like this, what changed? Is he emotionally abusive? I advocate leaving for abuse, but little else as the other side, for most women, is not like my situation (I essentially got a giant raise and the ability to live a life free from insanity).

I have to say that I don't think I could have survived this. Your advice that "sacrificing security and the nuclear family for unhappiness doesn't yield happiness in most cases I have seen, it just gives you a different set of unhappy issues" feels really true to me about my situation. And it's part of why I want to stick it out. But what can I do if it's not going to get better?

[2chatter]

The best, fifty year marriages I have seen have one spouse that is kind of jerky in some ways and one who seems unphased. That seems like magic to me, so I have asked lots of questions of those couples. Their answers pretty much boil down to not letting the other person get to you. That is where therapy with a great therapist will help you. Your DH's stuff isn't about you, but I too have a hard time remembering that and staying on track and not letting it affect me.

[mustardseed2007]

Feb 26, 2015 10:10:20 GMT -5 somebabiesmom said:

I did go and after a few months, I realized the guy had completely missed the point of why I was there. He seemed to think I should divorce H b/c I didn't like him - when the issue is that I do like him, but I don't know how to handle him when he's being a dick.

Then I think you should go again to a different therapist, but go with the goal that you figure out you, and not figure out your DH. 

Even if you are married to him, you can't control him, you can only control you. So what are you doing? Are you living a life you want to live? Are you doing what you want to do? And if you're not, what is going to give you that life when you are taking it as a given that your H's behavior is outside your control.

The most you can do is change your perspective and/or change your behavior. For example, change how you communicate with him or protect yourself emotionally from including him in your life until you are ready to make a change (ie divorce prep like changing your job to one that would allow you to be a single parent). Things like that.  

I haven't been divorced, but I really don't know what I would do if my H said he regretted marrying me and then wouldn't go to counseling. I don't get how he is saying that and also being a feeling, thinking person. And I say that knowing I don't have the full picture as the PPs have point out.

But it seems to me like he's gone so off the rails that he's not caring anymore, so whether you leave or not you have to learn how to cope with that. And perhaps if you do and you change for the better (ie are happier with yourself) he'll wake up too? Or if not you'd at least be in a better place to go off on your own. 

[welly01]

Have you mentioned divorce to him? Just wondering if that discussion would be enough to make him realize that he either wants to stay in the marriage or leave.

[twinmomma]

When my girls were not quite a year old, we were at a stage of marriage that was quickly headed for divorce. We were barely speaking, everything was a fight, everyone was miserable. Basically, I was acting like your DH sounds like he's acting. When you say it sounds like he has PPD, maybe he does have anxiety and depression and needs to see someone. I started going to my own therapist and that helped. Then we attended a 3 session "package" of marriage counseling that really turned things around. It was awkward and hard and not something either of us wanted to do, but at that point, it was that or split up. I can't advocate enough for you seeing your own therapist and still pushing the marriage counseling on DH.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[somebabiesmom]

2chatter - you keep saying so much of what I've been thinking. I love those couples where one is crazy and the other can laugh it off. And I love quirky people and strong personalities - and he is so that and so exceptional. But I feel like he doesn't make room for me to have the other half of those roles...I'm trying so hard to keep this brief - "save it for the therapist" so to speak.

I don't want this to become about whether we/I should go to therapy, b/c "we" definitely should. But it's so hard for me to get there and I'm just not at all convinced that it will be worth it without him. I've tried so many different approaches and it really boils down to him needing to get a grip on his anxiety.

But since he's not...

[somebabiesmom]

2chatter - you are motivating me to try harder with him and be more patient. Thanks so much for that.

[litzo27]

Feb 26, 2015 9:22:50 GMT -5 somebabiesmom said:

Things have been in the shitter since I was about 6 mos pregnant with DS (so almost 3 yrs). I kept thinking I just needed to kind of "hold my breath" to get past DD's first birthday when the hardest part (in theory) would be over. And it is largely over (save the part where we are a lot busier now) and things aren't better. DD will be turning one this weekend and I have yet to get my breath back or to blow some life into our sails. Everything should be wonderful. These last 3 years should have been wonderful and filled with memories of us bonding over our children. We have so much going for us and our kids are doing so well! Except he wakes up and begins immediately complaining and swearing and yelling and ruining everyone's...I don't know...shot at a good day? We should be stronger than ever b/c of all of the wonderful things we've had to share over the last 3 years - but all he talks about is kids being a mistake, me being a mistake, buying a house being a mistake. How do you walk away from someone who appears to have really made a mistake with their lives but won't let go?

My biological parents divorced so my perspective is from a kid side. I think divorce can do wonders to improve a toxic atmosphere in a home. I have not been divorced but in 15 years with DH had a share of down periods. But that's what they were - periods of a couple of months. Which we were ultimately able to work through by recognizing that we have a problem and communicating about it. But 3 years is not a period - that seems to be a constant state. And the bolded above really throws me for a loop and I'm not sure how that mentality can be compatible with a marriage. Yes, parenthood is tough and often strains the relationship. But this seems to be more than that. To be honest I would be giving myself and him a time-frame: if things don't drastically improve in XXX months let's try separation. And meanwhile it never hurts to make sure your solo financial affairs are in order.

[Deleted]

Have you discussed divorce? As in when he says you are a mistake you say, would you prefer a divorce. Then when he says, no- I am assuming because you said he won't let go, then you say then stop saying it is a mistake. Or, not a fan of ultimatums, or you go to your doctor to get your anxiety taken care of or....

Or make him an appointment and see if he goes. Or drive him to the appointment? I mean I know some of this can backfire, so if it makes it worse then don't go down that road. But I know if my H had that bad of anxiety then I would make the appointment, drive him there, and attend the doctor session with him. It is not enough to say to him make an appointment for himself. DH will not go to counseling and will not go on medication, but he can manage it on his own. It sounds like your DH can't and maybe needs to be on medication. Is he open to meds? Sorry this is more about him than you, because really it is about you.

My counselor told me when DH had his 2 months of acting up, that I just needed to stay away from him as much as possible. Leave the house, read in your room, walk away if there is an argument, make plans with your friends and your child, DO after work activities every night. I know you are tired when you get home and just want to relax, but isn't getting out of the house better than being around the toxic environment? And maybe all that space will send a message to your DH that he needs to behave if he wants to hang out with you and he has space to be less anxious. I know it puts a lot of the childcare on you (but what else can you do?). Hopefully it will be temporary. You don't have to mention divorce to anyone but reach out to your friends and family and spend more time with them than him. You are not ignoring him, that's not what I mean. You are just lessoning your time in a toxic environment, and allowing yourself to have the support to better able to brush off his jerkiness.

[2chatter]

somebabiesmom,it might not be trying harder or being more patient at all - it might be figuring out how to not let him affect you. It might be if you get to a place where you can let his anxiety not affect you, that the commentary on his part will cease. It might continue and you might end up leaving. But the key is really getting a handle on how his moods do/do not affect you/your kids. DH is medicated for anxiety, but when he forgets to take it oh boy - those days I have to just take a step back and either set him up for success (like suggesting he take DD to Starbucks for a treat, which makes both of them happy) or avoid him.

[tas1883]

somebabiesmom, I'm in the same boat right now. H has been getting worse the older DD has gotten. He has pushed everyone away and is really depressed as he can't do any of his time consuming adventure hobbies because of DD. Last week I posted something on Facebook about his crappy behavior over my b-day which I hated doing but it worked on getting his family to see that he needs some help. Info I have gotten from my SIL is that he has agreed to see a doctor but his parents are in denial and believe that I'm making things up and I just can't except H for his "special self". I didn't know this before we married I just thought H was an introvert and taking advantage of his parents but new knowledge has lead me to believe that H is probably on the autism spectrum but has never been diagnosed and his entire family just sees him as special and lets him get away with crap because of it.

For those recommending therapy. How do you find a therapist? H and I did almost 2 years of marriage counseling with a quack of a counselor who couldn't get H to talk. I learned some things and it helped me figure out how to communicate with his family better but I think it ended up making things worse for H as all she wanted to talk about was our childhoods.

[Deleted]

Feb 26, 2015 11:45:35 GMT -5 tas1883 said:

somebabiesmom, I'm in the same boat right now. H has been getting worse the older DD has gotten. He has pushed everyone away and is really depressed as he can't do any of his time consuming adventure hobbies because of DD. Last week I posted something on Facebook about his crappy behavior over my b-day which I hated doing but it worked on getting his family to see that he needs some help. Info I have gotten from my SIL is that he has agreed to see a doctor but his parents are in denial and believe that I'm making things up and I just can't except H for his "special self". I didn't know this before we married I just thought H was an introvert and taking advantage of his parents but new knowledge has lead me to believe that H is probably on the autism spectrum but has never been diagnosed and his entire family just sees him as special and lets him get away with crap because of it.

For those recommending therapy. How do you find a therapist? H and I did almost 2 years of marriage counseling with a quack of a counselor who couldn't get H to talk. I learned some things and it helped me figure out how to communicate with his family better but I think it ended up making things worse for H as all she wanted to talk about was our childhoods.

In that case, I would not have gone for 2 years if DH was not talking.  If you believe he is autistic, I might start looking into that from a research point of view, then consulting a MD/ Psychiatrist, then go the therapist route.

As far as finding a counselor, I used one for free at the university where I used to work.  You can also go through your work Employee Assistance Program.  In addition I have found one by going to my insurance website and then looking up reviews.  I was lucky in both of them that they focused on why I was there and not my childhood.  My childhood was fine, and I told them that, so it never really came up again. 

[CoverGirl82]

Feb 26, 2015 10:23:13 GMT -5 junewife said:

I don't have any advice, but I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'd definitely be resentful and hurt if my DH said that my kids and I were a mistake. Hugs.

Ditto this.  Hugs to you!

[somebabiesmom]

We've talked about divorce a lot, although mostly from an "I hate you" standpoint. Even when we pretend to sit down like rational adults to discuss it, it becomes a passive-aggressive conversation. When we were in a good place, we liked to joke about it. But - like I've said - we've had a lot of ups and downs. Oftentimes, the only way I can get him to hear me or take me seriously is to do something drastic (like sleep on the couch or throw his body pillow off of the balcony).

I'm not sure we could handle a mature sit-down for a rational discussion. He's not letting me in right now. I think I will try to just find some distance and see if that helps me to figure out more productive ways of handling him at arms length.

[supertrooper1]

Feb 26, 2015 10:32:58 GMT -5 2chatter said:

The best, fifty year marriages I have seen have one spouse that is kind of jerky in some ways and one who seems unphased. That seems like magic to me, so I have asked lots of questions of those couples. Their answers pretty much boil down to not letting the other person get to you. That is where therapy with a great therapist will help you. Your DH's stuff isn't about you, but I too have a hard time remembering that and staying on track and not letting it affect me.

I have to say that the last time DH was in one of his "moods" I acted as if nothing was wrong, and just went about my normal life trying to not let it affect me. It was very hard to do, but it seemed to take the wind out of DH's sails and he snapped out of his mood fairly quickly.

After DS was born, DH was very paranoid about everything we did with DS. He didn't want anyone in our family to watch him, only certain people could come over and see DS and some other strange behavior. A lot of it was targeted towards my family too.  We had some pretty big fights and I was tempted to leave.  One night DH kept saying he felt funny, then started having chest pains.  We thought he was having a heart attack.  After an ambulance ride to the ER, we figured out he was having panic attacks and was suffering from PPA/PPD.  It still took months for us to sort things out and we still have major issues.  It's been a struggle. 

One of the biggest things was for him to realize how serious I was about leaving.  It made him realize he needed to get help.  I could never convince him to go to counseling, but at least he spoke to a dr. about getting help for anxiety and depression.  I hope you can convince your H about how serious this is and that he needs to get help. 

[b0710]

somebabiesmom, - I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this I do not have great words of wisdom. I am divorced (now remarried), but when XH and I got divorced he wanted it, wouldn't consider counseling, claimed it "wasn't me, it was him," etc, so a totally different situation. Now I look back at that being the greatest thing ever. DS1 was 3 months old at the time. I did not really have a choice in the matter though, so I can understand how difficult this must be for you. Just wanted to send my thoughts and prayers your way for some sort of resolution.

[lab02]

Feb 26, 2015 10:59:43 GMT -5 litzo27 said:

Feb 26, 2015 9:22:50 GMT -5 somebabiesmom said:

Things have been in the shitter since I was about 6 mos pregnant with DS (so almost 3 yrs). I kept thinking I just needed to kind of "hold my breath" to get past DD's first birthday when the hardest part (in theory) would be over. And it is largely over (save the part where we are a lot busier now) and things aren't better. DD will be turning one this weekend and I have yet to get my breath back or to blow some life into our sails. Everything should be wonderful. These last 3 years should have been wonderful and filled with memories of us bonding over our children. We have so much going for us and our kids are doing so well! Except he wakes up and begins immediately complaining and swearing and yelling and ruining everyone's...I don't know...shot at a good day? We should be stronger than ever b/c of all of the wonderful things we've had to share over the last 3 years - but all he talks about is kids being a mistake, me being a mistake, buying a house being a mistake. How do you walk away from someone who appears to have really made a mistake with their lives but won't let go?

My biological parents divorced so my perspective is from a kid side. I think divorce can do wonders to improve a toxic atmosphere in a home.

I agree with this.  My parents divorced when I was young, my siblings were several years older than me and my parents had been married for 20 years.  As a kid, what I noticed after the divorce was that the fighting stopped.  It was such a better environment to live in!  My only advice, is that if you feel that this is impacting your children then it may be time to act. 

[jlaok]

I agree with what a lot of PP's have said. I think it's important for you to find someone to talk to, even if it is just to get a plan in place to leave.

I'd also start trying to build up a support system around yourself. If you open up to some of your closest friends and/or family you might be surprised at the support you receive.

Lastly, I suffer from anxiety and my anxiety/OCD behavior (or rather the way it makes me think and behave) is one of the biggest things we fight about. What helped out the most is admitting that I had a problem. Does your DH admit that he really does have a problem with this stuff? We found it easier to deal with each other when we knew that my crazy behavior was attributed to something that I really couldn't control. One of the biggest things that helped was me taking time to myself when life started getting overwhelming. I'd have my "freak out" moments in private that way I could be a better wife and mother with everyone else. I also started taking medication which helped a million times over. All this to say that maybe trying to tackle your DH's anxiety will ultimately help your marriage.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best of luck no matter what happens.