What would you do????

[paloslee]

First, I apologize if this is too long of a rant!

I have a 17yrs old son.  He has been such a great boy.  I've never really had too many problems/issues with him.  The headache of having a teenager seemed rare for me as other people would talk about their teens.  My son is in band and has overall done well in school (3.0 or higher GPA).  He even has started researching colleges and career options, its his junior year in  high school.  He has had a few "friend girls" in high school but nothing too serious.  We have had the sex talk and all that great stuff.  He is a big mama's boy and is very open and comes to me with any concerns.

Back story:  I had my son when I was 16yrs old.  I met his dad in 8th grade.  I started having sex when I was 15yrs old.  I got married to his father when I was 21yrs old.  We got divorced when I was 24yrs old.  His father and I had a very toxic relationship.  He's father abused drugs and alcohol, which then lead to DV.  It got to the point where I had to put a restraining order on him.  My son has always hold resentment towards his father.  He doesnt really like visiting him and they dont have that "father son" relationship. 

Brings me to an incident that happen yesterday with my son.  Last night my son and I had dinner alone together.  He tells me "mom, i have to tell you something"  but "please promise me you wont get mad".  Well right away, I am thinking the worst!  He reveals to me that he made out with a girl he has been talking to, and then he shows me his neck.  He has a huge hickie!!!  Of course I was really upset and disappointed.  But, I also was happy that he came to me and disclosed this info.  I asked him if he had sex and he said no...not sure if I believe him but he was pretty clear that they didnt.

I took away all his electronics and told him that I was not happy with his decisions.  I also asked him to think about what his punishment should be???  How do I ground a 17yrs old?  I cant be with him every moment of the day.  As it it, I rarely let him go out unless I know all the details and I drop him off and pick him up...I also exchange phone#s with the parents of his friends. I mean it could be worse...right?  I even cried beacuse I felt that my once little innocent baby is now a young man.

What would you do?  Am I being naive here??? Should I give him a harsh punishment?

Thanks for hearing me out!  And again, sorry its such a long rant.  I had to get off my chest!

Thank you!!!

[rablissful]

I wouldn't be too harsh with him. He came clean and it's not like YOU found the hickie. He's also 17... which is almost 18... and the fact that he swears that's the worst thing he has done is a flippin miracle (pat yourself on the back mama!). I'm like you and had sex way too freaking early. I work with teenagers and your son sounds like a FANTASTIC kid despite all your hardships.

Maybe you could come up with a list of chores with different numbers of points and he has to earn so many points to get his electronics back? I've seen that done a bunch, and not only is it helpful to you but it teaches them there are consequences.

[britterrss]

I'm super duper liberal... so I wouldn't really punish him (aside from what you've already done). I remember being 17. To me, 17 is just one year shy of 18, where he could go off to college and be doing whatever he wants.

I'd give him a box of condoms and talk about STDs and preventing unwanted pregnancies. But that's just me! Kids will make out --- I'd tell him not to get a hickie next time!

Sorry, I might not be much help.




(edited for clarity)

[SheilaTheTank]

I'm confused. Are you upset that he had a hickie or that he made out with a girl?

Your son is 17 years old and only 1 year away from being on his own. I do not think taking away his electronics or punishing him for acting on sexual desires is appropriate for a 17 year old. If I was you I would have sat him down and asked where he thinks this may lead. Is he serious about this girl or is he just exploring? I would then talk to him about safe sex practices and test his knowledge on how a girl can get pregnant. Punishing does not teach him anything in this situation.

Abstinence does not work. Enforcing this policy because you are afraid he will end up in a relationship like you did with his father is only going to make things worse.

[joy]

Can I ask why you're so upset that he made out with a girl?

Is it because you worry about him going down the same path as you? Is it because your baby boy is now growing up?

I can only tell you my honest reaction - I think I may have laughed at a hickie. He's 17 years old. I was off in college at 17 and certainly kissing boys. I don't think making out with a girl at 17 years old is a punishable offense. I do think it could be a great teaching moment to remind about safe sex, waiting to have sex might be a good plan (because babies even with protection), and that making out can leave marks. But, punishment seems ...extreme.

[requiressnacks]

I don't really have any advice - but agree with most of the PP. He's 17, he admitted it and he sounds like a good kid. I would just leave it alone and make sure he knows how to have sex in a safe way. If he hasn't had sex at 17 it's right around the corner.....

[paloslee]

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:48 GMT -5 pippacricket said:

So...you want to ground him for making out with a girl?

I mean that with no snark whatsoever but I just want to make sure I read this correctly.

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

[Deleted]

Personally, I wouldn't punish him, because chores and taking things away don't really seem to fit the crime here. Use it as a teachable moment, especially because he told you and talked about it, that's amazing in itself! Talk about safety against STDs, pregnancy prevention, what making out and other things lead to and the decisions and consequences of all that.

You don't want him to regret telling you, which punishing him might. You want him to feel safe and trustworthy with talking to you about this kind of stuff!

[ghostmonkey]

Holy overreaction.

Cut the cord. Your expectations are irrational.

[ghostmonkey]

Mar 17, 2015 11:17:12 GMT -5 paloslee said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:48 GMT -5 pippacricket said:

So...you want to ground him for making out with a girl?

I mean that with no snark whatsoever but I just want to make sure I read this correctly.

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

But you are doing exactly that. He will hate you for it if he doesn't already.

Your emotions already got the best of you. Nothing he did warrants your reaction at all. You owe him an apology.

[paloslee]

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:46 GMT -5 rablissful said:

I wouldn't be too harsh with him. He came clean and it's not like YOU found the hickie. He's also 17... which is almost 18... and the fact that he swears that's the worst thing he has done is a flippin miracle (pat yourself on the back mama!). I'm like you and had sex way too freaking early. I work with teenagers and your son sounds like a FANTASTIC kid despite all your hardships.

Maybe you could come up with a list of chores with different numbers of points and he has to earn so many points to get his electronics back? I've seen that done a bunch, and not only is it helpful to you but it teaches them there are consequences.

thanks for the feedback. Yes, I think that there are consequences for bad decisions.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

[shemarie82]

Mar 17, 2015 11:17:12 GMT -5 paloslee said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:48 GMT -5 pippacricket said:

So...you want to ground him for making out with a girl?

I mean that with no snark whatsoever but I just want to make sure I read this correctly.

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

What choice is it that you don't like?  That he made out with a girl?

[joy]

Mar 17, 2015 11:17:12 GMT -5 paloslee said:

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

But why don't you like those choices?  Honest question.

He's not doing anything out of character for his age.  I feel like you're punishing him over some kind of pain that is yours. 

[EatsRitz]

Ditto everything that's been said. I wouldn't punish for a hickie or making out. I probably wouldn't punish him for sex either; just make sure he's doing it safely.

[Sparkly]

Mar 17, 2015 11:14:38 GMT -5 joy said:

Can I ask why you're so upset that he made out with a girl?

Is it because you worry about him going down the same path as you? Is it because your baby boy is now growing up?

I can only tell you my honest reaction - I think I may have laughed at a hickie. He's 17 years old. I was off in college at 17 and certainly kissing boys. I don't think making out with a girl at 17 years old is a punishable offense. I do think it could be a great teaching moment to remind about safe sex, waiting to have sex might be a good plan (because babies even with protection), and that making out can leave marks. But, punishment seems ...extreme.

I agree with joy. I would probably have a little chuckle and give him a hard time. It sounds like he's a great kid, and is being very open and honest with you (he may even be a little embarrassed, it seems).

I just don't feel like this is a punishable offense. A teaching moment, yes. Maybe tough for you as a mom, because your baby is growing up, yes. If a hickie is the worst he's gotten into at 17, you are doing plenty of things right here, and probably need not worry.

[ghostmonkey]

Mar 17, 2015 11:19:04 GMT -5 paloslee said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:46 GMT -5 rablissful said:

I wouldn't be too harsh with him. He came clean and it's not like YOU found the hickie. He's also 17... which is almost 18... and the fact that he swears that's the worst thing he has done is a flippin miracle (pat yourself on the back mama!). I'm like you and had sex way too freaking early. I work with teenagers and your son sounds like a FANTASTIC kid despite all your hardships.

Maybe you could come up with a list of chores with different numbers of points and he has to earn so many points to get his electronics back? I've seen that done a bunch, and not only is it helpful to you but it teaches them there are consequences.

thanks for the feedback. Yes, I think that there are consequences for bad decisions.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

Making out is a bad decision?

Really?

[frankenboom]

::Lurking::

I can 100% see where you're coming from here. I had the same type of relationship with my Mom when I was a little younger than that.

While I don't think the making out is a bad thing, I do see why you'd be upset at him getting a hickey. I remember coming home one night around the same age, and my boyfriend had given me a hickey. My Mom saw it and I did get in trouble, but here's what she did/said and what worked. She pretty much was like "well that's pretty embarrassing for you. If you think it's cool or something, you're wrong. Hickeys are not cool and they do not make you look cool. You should be embarrassed."

And I was. And I never let a guy give me one again. Just my own personal experience, though. Hope it all works out - but FWIW, I would be VERY clear with your son that he's not being punished for making out (I mean, he's 17, give him a break), but rather for getting a hickey. Cause that shit is embarrassing.

::Lurker out::

[paloslee]

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:50 GMT -5 britterrss said:

I'm super duper liberal... so I wouldn't really punish him (aside from what you've already done). I remember being 17. To me, 17 is just one year shy of 18, where he could go off to college and be doing whatever he wants.

I'd give him a box of condoms and talk about STDs and preventing unwanted pregnancies. But that's just me! Kids will make out --- I'd tell him not to get a hickie next time!

Sorry, I might not be much help.




(edited for clarity)

thanks for the feeback.  I hate the sight of a hickie!  It just seems so gross to me to walk around with a huge mark on your neck.  I think that makes me more upset.  The condom discussion is something we have had.

[ghostmonkey]

Mar 17, 2015 11:20:57 GMT -5 frankenboom said:

::Lurking::

I can 100% see where you're coming from here. I had the same type of relationship with my Mom when I was a little younger than that.

While I don't think the making out is a bad thing, I do see why you'd be upset at him getting a hickey. I remember coming home one night around the same age, and my boyfriend had given me a hickey. My Mom saw it and I did get in trouble, but here's what she did/said and what worked. She pretty much was like "well that's pretty embarrassing for you. If you think it's cool or something, you're wrong. Hickeys are not cool and they do not make you look cool. You should be embarrassed."

And I was. And I never let a guy give me one again. Just my own personal experience, though. Hope it all works out - but FWIW, I would be VERY clear with your son that he's not being punished for making out (I mean, he's 17, give him a break), but rather for getting a hickey. Cause that shit is embarrassing.

::Lurker out::

::eyeroll::

[paloslee]

Mar 17, 2015 11:19:18 GMT -5 shemarie82 said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:17:12 GMT -5 paloslee said:

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

What choice is it that you don't like?  That he made out with a girl?

the huge ugly hickie! i think that makes me most upset.  It reminds me of when my ex would do that to me on purpose "like I own her/him"

[moirin8]

Reading this I thought she was going to say he got a girl pregnant. A hickey? Do you know what hickeys got us in my parents house. A thump in the neck or wherever the hickey was and a little teasing.

[joy]

Random fact: I've never had a hickey.

[SheilaTheTank]

Mar 17, 2015 11:17:12 GMT -5 paloslee said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:48 GMT -5 pippacricket said:

So...you want to ground him for making out with a girl?

I mean that with no snark whatsoever but I just want to make sure I read this correctly.

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

He needs to learn to make his own mistakes else he won't be able to survive in the real world. At 17 you should be weaning him off of you and teaching him how to live on his own. 

I have A LOT of friends who's parents never forced them to face the consequences of their actions. They still rely heavily on their parent's guidance and they are almost 30. Please do not add your son to this overwhelming statistic. 

[paloslee]

Mar 17, 2015 11:19:19 GMT -5 joy said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:17:12 GMT -5 paloslee said:

I am not sure I want to ground him.  But, I dont like the choices he made.  So I am trying to not let my emotions take the best of me..if that makes any sense.  I know I cant lock him up forever.

But why don't you like those choices?  Honest question.

He's not doing anything out of character for his age.  I feel like you're punishing him over some kind of pain that is yours. 

joy,you could be correct.  I think I just dont want him to make the bad choices I made when I was his age. 

[ghostmonkey]

Mar 17, 2015 11:21:20 GMT -5 paloslee said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:12:50 GMT -5 britterrss said:

I'm super duper liberal... so I wouldn't really punish him (aside from what you've already done). I remember being 17. To me, 17 is just one year shy of 18, where he could go off to college and be doing whatever he wants.

I'd give him a box of condoms and talk about STDs and preventing unwanted pregnancies. But that's just me! Kids will make out --- I'd tell him not to get a hickie next time!

Sorry, I might not be much help.




(edited for clarity)

thanks for the feeback.  I hate the sight of a hickie!  It just seems so gross to me to walk around with a huge mark on your neck.  I think that makes me more upset.  The condom discussion is something we have had.

So because you don't care for a bruise not allowing him to go out at all and cutting off all of his communication seems like a rational response?

You are the only one in your house making bad decisions as it pertains to this.

[pinkcat]

I agree with PPs. I don't see this as a punishable offense, he is a 17 year old and making out is a perfectly normal and healthy thing to do at that age. I think by punishing him for this, it is more likely he may not be as honest and open about it in the future. Having a relationship with your son where he is comfortable telling you about this is great! And you should be proud that he is close enough to you to talk about this, I can't imagine most 17 year olds talk to their moms about making out. Therefore, I think you should be happy and proud he can talk to you in situations like this, and encourage this type of discussion by not punishing him but having a conversation about safe sex.

[ohinvrtedworld]

Truthfully, I don't think this is a seriously punishable offense. And I say this as someone who works for a large Christian missions organization and does highly value premarital abstinence (not that I would dream of judging anyone who does not! And I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to anyone due to my usage of "choice" words from time to time on here, lol).

My best friends and I all went to a youth group at a church in high school, and pretty much everyone dated and kissed -- and made out -- many times. Very few went farther than that. None of our parents seemed very concerned. I don't know if cultures are different about this even in different areas of the U.S., but it was generally not that big of a deal I guess.

I think it's amazing that he would even share this with you, and goes to show what a super mom you are for being considered so trustworthy by your son. I don't think he'd share that with you if he's still hiding things from you, but even if he did have sex, I hope he feels comfortable telling you that, too. We can't control our kids no matter how incredible we are as parents; they are independent human beings with their own triumphs and "mistakes." 

What I think is definitely a good idea, at least, is thanking him for his forthrightness and maybe delving into what his boundaries are in dating (if you both are comfortable). I know it is hard because of the struggles you've been through as a teen. That's just my two cents as a twenty-something with no kids!

[ghostmonkey]

Mar 17, 2015 11:22:29 GMT -5 paloslee said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:19:18 GMT -5 shemarie82 said:

What choice is it that you don't like?  That he made out with a girl?

the huge ugly hickie! i think that makes me most upset.  It reminds me of when my ex would do that to me on purpose "like I own her/him"

Stop projecting your issues on him.

[moirin8]

Mar 17, 2015 11:22:41 GMT -5 joy said:

Random fact: I've never had a hickey.

I don't like them but dh and I will give them to each other. More for the game of it than anything. Well wrestle around or catch each other off guard. It's fun. I still don't like having them though.

[frankenboom]

Mar 17, 2015 11:22:01 GMT -5 ghostmonkey said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:20:57 GMT -5 frankenboom said:

::Lurking::

I can 100% see where you're coming from here. I had the same type of relationship with my Mom when I was a little younger than that.

While I don't think the making out is a bad thing, I do see why you'd be upset at him getting a hickey. I remember coming home one night around the same age, and my boyfriend had given me a hickey. My Mom saw it and I did get in trouble, but here's what she did/said and what worked. She pretty much was like "well that's pretty embarrassing for you. If you think it's cool or something, you're wrong. Hickeys are not cool and they do not make you look cool. You should be embarrassed."

And I was. And I never let a guy give me one again. Just my own personal experience, though. Hope it all works out - but FWIW, I would be VERY clear with your son that he's not being punished for making out (I mean, he's 17, give him a break), but rather for getting a hickey. Cause that shit is embarrassing.

::Lurker out::

::eyeroll::

As usual, you've produced a riveting and productive response!