So they are ugly. You are punishing your son for having something that you feel is ugly. God forbid he gets a tattoo! Are you going to banish him from the house?
i like tattoos and piercings. I know getting a hickie when your young is not out the "norm". I had plenty....some wanted and some unwanted.... I just dont want to see it.
Yeah I would probably give him a glad you told me, here's some foundation. Be safe. His dad would probably tell him way to go! Lol I don't think this is punishable personally
Why do you feel the need to project your insecurities on your son? From what you've described your son does not like his father, so why do you think that he will act just like him? I think you need to talk to someone about that, because those feelings are not healthy and could be damaging to your relationship with your son.
I didnt yell at my son. or make him feel embarassed. I actually asked him what he wants to do? What was his plan with this young lady? I later cried by myself. So he doesnt know that I have these feelings. I dont think he'll end up like his dad. The thought of the hickie made me upset and did bring up old memories.
Not to prolong this, but...
If you didn't do the bold above, what does he think the punishment was for?
I don't think your son should be punished for being honest with you. I think its great that you two have an open line of communication. If you punish him, he may shut down and not share anything else with you for fear that you're just going to punish him again. It was a hickey, not something worth punishing over by any means.
Also, why does he need to tell you what his plan is with her? Do they need to have a plan?
Post by ♪♫choppinbroccoli♫♪ on Mar 17, 2015 11:55:13 GMT -5
Not gonna lie, I read your post and thought, 'Wait, is this it??' Your son sounds like a really good kid. Kudos to him for coming to you, and kudos to you for raising a good kid! If, after reading all of the responses, you feel that maybe you overreacted a little, nothing says you can't go back to him and make things right!
To me it sounds like you had a little freak-out moment because this was a time that it clicked that your baby is not a baby anymore. I think it's okay to slip, but I think it's better to make things right.
My vote: no punishment, an apology for overreacting, an explanation as to why you feel the way you do (referencing "making good decisions"), and encouragement to keep the lines of communication open.
Why do you feel the need to project your insecurities on your son? From what you've described your son does not like his father, so why do you think that he will act just like him? I think you need to talk to someone about that, because those feelings are not healthy and could be damaging to your relationship with your son.
I didnt yell at my son. or make him feel embarassed. I actually asked him what he wants to do? What was his plan with this young lady? I later cried by myself. So he doesnt know that I have these feelings. I dont think he'll end up like his dad. The thought of the hickie made me upset and did bring up old memories.
You took away his possessions and intended to ground him like a 12 year old. Again, if you are having a hard time with your insecurities then you need to talk to someone about them an not project them on your son. Your son is NOT you.
When parents react like this and guilt trip their children into acting a certain way, then the following can happen: Your 30 year old friend has to stay at your house every time his girlfriend's parents come over, because his girlfriend of 6 years STILL can't tell her parents that he is living with her. She can't tell them because she is too afraid of upsetting them and is afraid of the horrible guilt trip she will get.
Post by youdontsay on Mar 17, 2015 11:56:45 GMT -5
I skipped through a lot of responses but I don't know what I would do in this situation, but I know if I was in your son's shoes and was honest and upfront, my mom would've appreciated it. I think your reaction was knee-jerk but IMHO if this is the worst your son has done in his teenage years, you're doing an amazing job.
Post by anonymouseliza on Mar 17, 2015 11:57:20 GMT -5
Yeah, I think a lot of people have covered the over-reaction.
He's 17. This is a time when he can and should (safely) be exploring his sexuality and sexual desires. I'm actually a little concerned that he feels so embarrassed or ashamed of making out and getting a hickey because these really aren't big deals.
If it were me? I would go back and apologize, give him back his electronics and have a genuine conversation about why you over-reacted, why you are proud of him for owning up to his decisions and why this was a triggering event for you. What you'd like him to do in the future (safe sex, good choices about partners) and if you want to throw in a 'don't get hickeys' then do that too.
This is not a punishable offense. This is not teaching him remotely what you say you want to be teaching him. This is a lot of fear and projection and that is unhelpful. A much more trusting response would be opening up about why you are reacting so strongly and fearfully. That will take you a lot further than your current response.
the huge ugly hickie! i think that makes me most upset. It reminds me of when my ex would do that to me on purpose "like I own her/him"
It's a hickie. It's a mark that'll disappear in a few days. If you're getting this upset over something this small, is he going to be afraid to come to you with bigger things? It may remind you of something in your past, but you have to tell him why you're upset.
Disclaimer: I've only ever gotten hickies from my cat nursing on me.
Sidebar - what does this mean? I pictured something in my head that I don't want to picture. LOL.
It's a hickie. It's a mark that'll disappear in a few days. If you're getting this upset over something this small, is he going to be afraid to come to you with bigger things? It may remind you of something in your past, but you have to tell him why you're upset.
Disclaimer: I've only ever gotten hickies from my cat nursing on me.
Sidebar - what does this mean? I pictured something in my head that I don't want to picture. LOL.
When he was a kitten, he would try to nurse on my neck. I got mini-hickies. They mostly happened if we were cuddling and I fell asleep. He left mom way too early.
I didnt yell at my son. or make him feel embarassed. I actually asked him what he wants to do? What was his plan with this young lady? I later cried by myself. So he doesnt know that I have these feelings. I dont think he'll end up like his dad. The thought of the hickie made me upset and did bring up old memories.
I don't understand - what he wants to do? a plan? He's 17. He doesn't need to pledge to marry this girl at 17 just because they made out and she gave him a hickie. My guess is that he just wants to hang out, have fun and date this girl because that's what 17 year old boys do.
I think that if this is causing you this much anxiety and angst then perhaps you should seek out some councelling so you have someone to talk to about your feelings.
You overreacted. You need to apologize for trying to guilt trip him and taking away his shit. Go see a therapist because you seem like you really need it.
When he was a kitten, he would try to nurse on my neck. I got mini-hickies. They mostly happened if we were cuddling and I fell asleep. He left mom way too early.
#CutenessOverload
He still thinks I'm his mama and washes my neck most nights. It took months to move from nursing to just washing my neck.
Look at it this way. How would you feel if at 17, you told your mother you had (horrors!) Made out with a boy, and she reacted like you did? If my parents had done that it would've made me sneaky and deceitful, because I wouldn't want them to know anything. I was also a good kid, spent most of my time reading in my room. But I started making out with boys at 13. I didn't have sex until 18. Freaking out and punishing him like a child is not a reasonable reaction to the situation at all.
Sidebar - what does this mean? I pictured something in my head that I don't want to picture. LOL.
When he was a kitten, he would try to nurse on my neck. I got mini-hickies. They mostly happened if we were cuddling and I fell asleep. He left mom way too early.
We adopted a day-old kitten when DD was 8 weeks old and she tried to nurse as well. It wasn't as bad with her as with others, because she couldn't have nursed more than once or twice before she was separated from her mother and came to us.
Basically, they try to suck on whatever skin they can get at. They will also try to nurse blankets and towels.
No, it's totally better that the first time he'll have freedom to make decisions on his own will be when he's away at college and doesn't have any supervision at all and no one to check in on him. Totally better this way. Bet he'll make only good decisions and not just be happy to be the fuck away from someone that freaks the fuck out over a hickie.
He still thinks I'm his mama and washes my neck most nights. It took months to move from nursing to just washing my neck.
That is adorable! I've only had one cat, and we found her as an older kitten wandering our apartment complex. So, I guess she was past that phase. I've never had animals so young, obviously.
As an adult, I also agree that they are ugly, gross, and unprofessional. He isn't an adult (yet) and is clearly experimenting, which is a healthy thing.
Honestly, I think I am far more bothered by a 30 something year old walking around with them all over their necks than I am if it is a young kid.
He is either going to get teased at school for it, or his buddies are going to think it is cool. Either way, their opinions will have more effect on future behaviors than yours.
No, it's totally better that the first time he'll have freedom to make decisions on his own will be when he's away at college and doesn't have any supervision at all and no one to check in on him. Totally better this way. Bet he'll make only good decisions and not just be happy to be the fuck away from someone that freaks the fuck out over a hickie.
Post by ttcminicofer on Mar 17, 2015 12:20:58 GMT -5
I haven't read all the responses yet, but I will say I agree that you are overreacting. Your son felt comfortable coming to you and telling you what he did, and in response to be honest, you punished him. You are now showing that he can't be honest with you when he does have sex and he won't feel comfortable telling you he had sex because if he is being grounded for a hickey, what will happen when he is having sex. I think you owe him an apology. He isn't going to make the same mistakes you made and you can't keep using your past as his future. Did you have anyone to talk to when you were young about sex? Did you feel comfortable talking to your parents about sex? If not, you just gave your son a reason to not be comfortable with you.
Post by singingsea on Mar 17, 2015 12:33:59 GMT -5
Late to the party and don't have time to read this whole thread.
He's being a 17 year old. Make sure he's educated about safe sex and using protection. That's all you can really do. That fact he told you about the hickie is amazing itself.
He still thinks I'm his mama and washes my neck most nights. It took months to move from nursing to just washing my neck.
That is adorable! I've only had one cat, and we found her as an older kitten wandering our apartment complex. So, I guess she was past that phase. I've never had animals so young, obviously.
He was 6 weeks old when mom decided she was through with them. Not all kittens need the extra nursing, but this guy was so not ready to leave mom yet. Mom was done, though. She was a really young mom and had no clue what to do. She actually relied on her people to take care of them when they were home. He adopted me as his new mom and he's been my buddy ever since.
Post by heatherj9603 on Mar 17, 2015 12:45:08 GMT -5
Be open with him about being proud that he came to you! I was a pretty good kid too, but if I got in trouble and got caught, I always confessed. I met dh when I was 17, I wasn't supposed to be at his apartment without my mom. His roommate was dating my friend. Long story short, we went over there. We got caught. I confessed, friend lied. I got grounded for a week, friend for a month. While I was still in trouble, it was less because I was honest!
Eta: I should add that I don't think this warrants a punishment. Just talk to him. It's up to each parent to teach abstinece or not. That's what I was taught. But being open and making sex an open topic and not taboo is key.the kids who are taught that sex is gross and dirty are the ones to get in the most trouble! My mom was super open to me, but my friends who were not talked to were the omes knocked up at 15 or losing their virgimity when they were 12.
Last Edit: Mar 17, 2015 12:49:24 GMT -5 by heatherj9603
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I know I'm super late to the game and this has been stated ad nauseum but whoa this situation really got my goat. I work a lot with troubled teens and preteens (mostly ones that are in sex abuse and exploitation situations), and here were my initial thoughts from my experience with teens and these issues:
1) That was awesome that your son feels he can talk with you. Shows maturity and responsibility. Few parents are this lucky. 2) Your punishing him like a little kid over something so innocuous means that #1 is over and he knows you neither respect nor trust him. He won't make the mistake of sharing things like that with you again. 3) He obviously learned from your mistakes. He's 17 and the worst he has done is get a hickey?? The average boy in the US loses his virginity before he turns 17. He's not going down the same path you did. Trust that he has decent judgment and that you raised him well, and show him that you trust him. 4) He now will likely start to associate sexual activity (and making out is pretty much the mildest form of that you can get, accidental hickey or no) with shame and guilt because you shamed him and punished him as though he had broken a vase or thrown a tantrum.
Apologize ASAP, explain that you unfairly projected your own issues onto him, tell him that beginning to explore his sexuality through making out at 17 is normal and natural and healthy and he isn't doing anything wrong but that he should always use protection if he has sex, and then just cross your fingers that the damage can be undone with time.
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