Tell me what to do about my life

[ironbaby]

This is a huge AW, and I am apologizing in advance. I really need advice, and I don't know who else to turn to. It's long.

H got a new job in March. I have posted about it before, but this job was what enabling us to start TTC: insurance benefits, full-time, steady income, job security. We had NO IDEA it would be a travel position. Since taking the job, he has been gone 6 weeks out of 10, at least 3 days in a row (overnights), sometimes all 5. When he is home, sometimes he sits there with no work to do, or he goes out on "local" jobs, and gets home past 8 each night. There is no consistency, and they often tell him the night before that he will be flying out in the morning and be gone for several days. He has asked repeatedly to stay closer to home, and each time they say they understand but some "emergency" pops up.

This was our first cycle post-BCP and actively TTC, and our timing was shit. We could only hit weekends. We fought constantly because I was stressed about his not being home. It wasn't until this past week that the enormity of the stresses of the job hit HIM, and he has apologized for not seeing how much it was effecting me. I tried to take it in stride with promises that it was just "training" and would get better, but now that he has passed the training portion, the travel has actually gotten worse.

We are now 100% in agreement that he needs a new job that will allow him to be home. I know other people can deal with this lifestyle, but we cannot.

As a result, we have stopped TTC. It is hitting both of us very hard. We had so much excitement and hope, and to be abandoning the idea so quickly, and for an indefinite period of time, is very saddening.

The primary reason for stopping TTC is that if I got pregnant before he found another job, and he switched jobs, we would insurance-less in the interim. Anyone know enough about insurance to know if that is the case? His job offers insurance; mine does not. Furthermore, I cannot and will not go through a pregnancy or motherhood alone, with no idea when I will see him. We can't schedule family dinners, appointments, etc. during the week because they could send him out on a moment's notice.

What should we do? Please let me know if I should clarify anything, or if I am just being a huge drama queen. I'm feeling very lost.

[onesweetworld]

I am here to give you a huge hug. TTC is an extremely personal decision and I don't want to offer any advice on this. You both needs to be 100% ready and if you are feeling uneasy about it then you need to think long and hard about it.

I hope you find peace in your decision either way and we are all here to support you.




Edit: Words are hard.

[longhornwino0907]

First of all, ((hugs)) Like you, my H and I are not cut out for jobs that require travel. We know this about our relationship. And it's a good step that you've figured that out, too.

I'm sorry you've had to stop TTC for the time being. Is it possible to continue TTC and for him to stay with this job while looking for a new job, and then make a smooth transition? What about insurance through the ACA? Maybe just supplemental, maybe not. Job change allows for enrollment at any time, so it might be something to look into.

I'm sorry you've having such a rough time, and I hope you find some solutions soon!

[mrsjene]

Some jobs offer insurance effective your date of hire. Is that not common where you live?

[penguin129]

I am so sorry you two are going through this. It sucks that his job was not up front about the amounts of travel he would be doing in the beginning. I hope he is able to find something soon that works better for you both. My DH gets home between 7 & 8 most nights and that is hard enough. I couldn't even imagine him being out of the state for work. As far as insurance could you get it through the Marketplace or privately? I think there would have to be something out there for pregnant women who lose insurance during their pregnancy.

[ironbaby]

May 20, 2015 9:26:27 GMT -5 mrsjene said:

Some jobs offer insurance effective your date of hire. Is that not common where you live?

Honestly, I don't really know. The jobs that he has had that offered insurance did so after 30 days. It may be something we could try to negotiate, but I am not familiar enough with hiring practices or HR to know if that is an option.

penguin129, I think we could get insurance privately. I am just not familiar enough with start dates, etc. to know what would happen in that case.

Part of the fear is also that if we did get pregnant, it could be months before he was able to find a different job, or longer. That unknown is the scariest part.

[kariann12]

May 20, 2015 9:26:27 GMT -5 mrsjene said:

Some jobs offer insurance effective your date of hire. Is that not common where you live?

I'm not sure where OP lives, but where I live it's common for there to be a 90 day waiting period for insurance.

[ironbaby]

Thanks everyone for the support and validation. I have been avoiding the forum the past few days to try to sort it out in my head, but I really needed you all.

starbuck27, unfortunately, I think you may be right. Avoiding sounds very painful to me right now, but the uncertainties and stress are damaging to both my psyche and our relationship.

[ironbaby]

May 20, 2015 9:33:30 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

May 20, 2015 9:26:27 GMT -5 mrsjene said:

Some jobs offer insurance effective your date of hire. Is that not common where you live?

I'm not sure where OP lives, but where I live it's common for there to be a 90 day waiting period for insurance.

I'm in NC, in the US. If that helps...

[mrsjene]

May 20, 2015 9:33:30 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

May 20, 2015 9:26:27 GMT -5 mrsjene said:

Some jobs offer insurance effective your date of hire. Is that not common where you live?

I'm not sure where OP lives, but where I live it's common for there to be a 90 day waiting period for insurance.

I understand that.  That IS common.  I just thought I'd ask because I've worked for a few places that were effective DOH.

[penguin129]

90 days sounds about right for insurance to kick in... Unfortunately If you buy insurance through the Marketplace which can only be done 3 months out of the year I think it goes into effect a month or two after.

[mrsjene]

May 20, 2015 9:32:12 GMT -5 ironbaby said:

May 20, 2015 9:26:27 GMT -5 mrsjene said:

Some jobs offer insurance effective your date of hire. Is that not common where you live?

Honestly, I don't really know. The jobs that he has had that offered insurance did so after 30 days. It may be something we could try to negotiate, but I am not familiar enough with hiring practices or HR to know if that is an option.

penguin129, I think we could get insurance privately. I am just not familiar enough with start dates, etc. to know what would happen in that case.

Part of the fear is also that if we did get pregnant, it could be months before he was able to find a different job, or longer. That unknown is the scariest part.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer but I've worked in the benefits side of HR before and it's not typically something you can negotiate because of the health insurance's plan design. 

Moral of the story, forget I brought it up.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[requiressnacks]

((hugs)) I have no advice, but I hope that you figure things out a solution that works for you. Sounds like a highly stressful situation. My husband works a highly irregular schedule (he works nights half the month) and we have started seeking out alternate positions at his job that would have him home at night.

[mustloveerica]

I have no advice but I'm here to offer support and hugs. DH and I have the opposite situation. He works a regular 9-5 with no travel and very very rarely overtime (like an hour here or there). I work 50-60 hours a week and travel all the time. I usually get a 24 hour heads up that I need to get on a plane and it's almost always when we have other plans. It's a pain and it's one reason I plan to eventually be a SAHM. The stress my job causes me ends up causing stress in our relationship and that's just not a good way to live. I hope you and YH can come to a decision that you both feel 100% comfortable with.

[summerdonna]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Deciding to put TTC on hold would be a hard decision to make but I agree with starbuck27 in that maybe for the time being focus on finding him a job that does not require travel. We are here for you whatever you chose and I am sending you all the hugs.

[titania]

Big ((hugs)) ironbaby. I know that you have been really struggling with his time away. At least now you are both on the same page with regards to the job situation. onesweetworld said it perfectly, so I really don't have anything else to add, but my support. I am thinking of you as you and YH make decisions and will definitely be keeping my FX for a new job for him soon.

[longhornwino0907]

May 20, 2015 9:37:19 GMT -5 penguin129 said:

90 days sounds about right for insurance to kick in... Unfortunately If you buy insurance through the Marketplace which can only be done 3 months out of the year I think it goes into effect a month or two after.

Actually, change in job allows you to possibly get an exemption and enroll any time. It's like when you start a new job and insurance benefits kick in after whatever waiting period (or immediately), even if it isn't open enrollment time.

H and I were looking at this when we had the slim hopes that the Marketplace might have something to help offset IF costs (they don't).

[rivers and roads]

Again, no real advice that PP's haven't already offered. I'm just popping in to offer hugs and support. That is an extremely frustrating spot to be in for so many reasons. You're not being a drama queen!
I'll keep my fingers crossed that he either 1) negotiates less travel with his boss (and his boss sticks to it), or 2) He finds a new job quickly and the "hold" won't be too long.

Does anyone know anything about COBRA? When I left my job voluntarily, I was still offered COBRA to fill the interim between jobs/coverage. I didn't research it because I didn't need it, but that might be something to look into. I could be totally wrong, but I thought the point of that was to be effective immediately after your other coverage ended until you found something else?


Edit: After some googling, it looks COBRA is only eligible when there's a "qualifying event" (termination, lay-off, reduction of hours). It's unlikely, but it might be worth a further phone call to see if there are loop holes due to unexpected job requirements (travel).

[kariann12]

May 20, 2015 9:48:41 GMT -5 rivers and roads said:

Again, no real advice that PP's haven't already offered. I'm just popping in to offer hugs and support. That is an extremely frustrating spot to be in for so many reasons. You're not being a drama queen!
I'll keep my fingers crossed that he either 1) negotiates less travel with his boss (and his boss sticks to it), or 2) He finds a new job quickly and the "hold" won't be too long.

Does anyone know anything about COBRA? When I left my job voluntarily, I was still offered COBRA to fill the interim between jobs/coverage. I didn't research it because I didn't need it, but that might be something to look into. I could be totally wrong, but I thought the point of that was to be effective immediately after your other coverage ended until you found something else?

I know that COBRA is ridiculously expensive, but it does go into effect after your coverage from your job is over. I was offered COBRA between my last job and this one, it was $900/month. Um, no thanks. I'll pass.

[penguin129]

May 20, 2015 9:53:45 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

May 20, 2015 9:48:41 GMT -5 rivers and roads said:

*SNIP*

Does anyone know anything about COBRA? When I left my job voluntarily, I was still offered COBRA to fill the interim between jobs/coverage. I didn't research it because I didn't need it, but that might be something to look into. I could be totally wrong, but I thought the point of that was to be effective immediately after your other coverage ended until you found something else?

I know that COBRA is ridiculously expensive, but it does go into effect after your coverage from your job is over. I was offered COBRA between my last job and this one, it was $900/month. Um, no thanks. I'll pass.

I was going to say the same thing. It is not affordable at all. 

[mrsjene]

May 20, 2015 9:53:45 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

May 20, 2015 9:48:41 GMT -5 rivers and roads said:

Again, no real advice that PP's haven't already offered. I'm just popping in to offer hugs and support. That is an extremely frustrating spot to be in for so many reasons. You're not being a drama queen!
I'll keep my fingers crossed that he either 1) negotiates less travel with his boss (and his boss sticks to it), or 2) He finds a new job quickly and the "hold" won't be too long.

Does anyone know anything about COBRA? When I left my job voluntarily, I was still offered COBRA to fill the interim between jobs/coverage. I didn't research it because I didn't need it, but that might be something to look into. I could be totally wrong, but I thought the point of that was to be effective immediately after your other coverage ended until you found something else?

I know that COBRA is ridiculously expensive, but it does go into effect after your coverage from your job is over. I was offered COBRA between my last job and this one, it was $900/month. Um, no thanks. I'll pass.

This.  It's the full cost of the employer's offered health insurance without the employer subsidy, plus I think a 3% service fee.

[acorn99]

ironbaby, I have no advice, just hugs. I hope you guys can get something figured out that will work for you and H.

[zombiesquad]

I have nothing else to offer either, but I just wanted to give you a weird and creepy Internet hug. Whenever MH is unhappy at his job, but afraid he'd be letting his coworkers down if he left, I remind him that family comes first. I care more about MH being happy and available than his co-worker's feelings. YH absolutely should try and find something with less travel and a more consistent schedule. Yes, some families can live that way, but it's certainly not for everyone and your dreams of starting a family shouldn't have to suffer for it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope something works out soon.

[penguin129]

May 20, 2015 9:55:55 GMT -5 @pineappleoranges said:

May 20, 2015 9:20:36 GMT -5 ironbaby said:

*SNIP*

A lot of state offer some subsidy towards maternal healthcare. Through WIC and Medicare you may not pay anything out of pocket for treatment and delivery.
AS for the rest, I could write a book. Do what is best for your relationship. 

((hugs))

I was also going to bring up Medicaid/Wic. I have a friend who didn't have insurance while pregnant in CO and she got Pregnancy Medicaid through the state and was covered until 2 months after the birth of her son. Her son now has Medicaid for his first year. You can find information by typing in Pregnancy Medicaid in your state on Google.

[risscaboobs]

No advice really - I just wanted to give you and YH a big hug. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope he's able to find a different job very soon. Sorry for having to TTA until then.

[rivers and roads]

May 20, 2015 9:53:45 GMT -5 kariann12 said:

I know that COBRA is ridiculously expensive, but it does go into effect after your coverage from your job is over. I was offered COBRA between my last job and this one, it was $900/month. Um, no thanks. I'll pass.

Woah! That's crazy. I knew nothing about it other than that it existed. 
Nevermind, then!

[mrss44]

H and I also know we are not cut out for him to travel with work. He actually declined a higher position for that reason.

You have to do what is best for you. Definitely giving you creepy internet hugs for you

[joy]

My husband is working ridiculous hours right now and it's pissing me the hell off. It's pissing him off. At least he comes every night, but does it really count when it's 10pm and he sits on the couch to continue working while I go to bed? Joy says no.

I understand that you have insurance considerations and time commitment worries, but I did want to address one point. Anyone who has been on this board awhile will know what I'm about to say: please DON'T stress about how many days in your fertile window you hit. It's not worth getting stressed or fighting over. You only need to hit *one* day in that window to have a shot at pregnancy. You don't need to have sex every day or every other day and hit 4/5 days to think you have "good" timing. Good timing is one act of sex in your fertile window. The end. I promise :-)

::hugs::

[TheEleventhHour]

So many hugs ironbaby. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. I have no advice or personal experience but I am thinking of you!

[ironbaby]

May 20, 2015 9:48:41 GMT -5 rivers and roads said:

Again, no real advice that PP's haven't already offered. I'm just popping in to offer hugs and support. That is an extremely frustrating spot to be in for so many reasons. You're not being a drama queen!
I'll keep my fingers crossed that he either 1) negotiates less travel with his boss (and his boss sticks to it), or 2) He finds a new job quickly and the "hold" won't be too long.

Does anyone know anything about COBRA? When I left my job voluntarily, I was still offered COBRA to fill the interim between jobs/coverage. I didn't research it because I didn't need it, but that might be something to look into. I could be totally wrong, but I thought the point of that was to be effective immediately after your other coverage ended until you found something else?


Edit: After some googling, it looks COBRA is only eligible when there's a "qualifying event" (termination, lay-off, reduction of hours). It's unlikely, but it might be worth a further phone call to see if there are loop holes due to unexpected job requirements (travel).

I do know that we were offered COBRA previously, but it was prohibitively expensive. Plans through the Marketplace were less expensive. The details of how/when those go into effect is a mystery to me, though.