TTCAL Check-in 8/25

[rablissful]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive after a loss every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.


**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**


How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched)

Diagnosis (if applicable)

Updates/questions

Debbie downer (a place to vent)

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how?

[LadyNymeria]

How are you doing? Alright. Better when I try to avoid the pregnant lady at work, but thankfully I haven't run into her that often.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched until I get a post-loss period

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: No updates right now. I'll have my next blood draw Thursday so I'll have an hCG update Friday. I think tracking the hCG down is turning out to be more helpful than just knowing the numbers. It makes me feel like my body is finally doing what it's supposed to and that hopefully we're not THAT far away from TTC again.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): No vent. Doing ok right now.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? We have not. Had I been further along I might have been more inclined to do something.

[pbandj714]

How are you doing?: I'm doing okay. Trying to focus my energy on TTC again.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC (cycle 2 AL, CD23, still WTO)

Diagnosis (if applicable): none

Updates/questions: Sorry I didn't get a chance to check in last week! I was super busy at work. No real updates here. Trying OPKs this cycle.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): (OPP warning) I still haven't been able to bring myself to text my BFF. She announced on FB last week. It's just so hard to know that I should be there, too.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? I haven't yet. I'm just really not sure what I'd like to do. I have the first pee stick, the US where we found out I'd be having a MC, and the big sister bandana the dog wore to tell DH. I might get a nice little box or tin to keep them in.

[kayladawn91]

How are you doing? Pretty good today.

Status: TTC

Diagnosis: N/A

Updates/Questions: Nope!

Debbie Downer: Not today!

GTKY: No. I never got an ultrasound picture since it was just an empty sac, so there's nothing to really memorialize with. If I had been further along I probably would.

[rablissful]

LadyNymeria I'm glad the tracking is giving you some peace of mind!

pbandj714 no worries about not checking in! Big hugs to you and it's so hard dealing with the happy for them/sad for me emotions.

danib I hope you and YH can get some quality time! Date night, perhaps?

kayladawn91 glad you're doing well!


How are you doing? Not so great. I'm stressed about all the things (still).

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched) NTNP. I need to at least break out my bbt again.

Diagnosis (if applicable) n/a

Updates/questions nada

Debbie downer (a place to vent) It looks like I'm not going to have a teaching position this fall and I'm really bummed about it. With everything that has gone on this year I would really just like to hibernate and try again when 2016 rolls around. We need a do-over.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? Not yet. If we buy the house we're currently renting (which is the plan) we're going to be ripping up around the vegetable garden to plant flowers. I'll probably pick out either some special perennials to place on either side of the gate or some flowing bushes. Probably will get an angel charm for my Pandora bracelet at some point as well. We have no ultrasounds pictures and I threw out the pee sticks.

[rablissful]

Aug 25, 2015 10:32:54 GMT -5 danib said:

Thanks rablissful we will definitely try
Also your flower idea sounds beautiful and special.

Thanks! I wasn't far along with either of my losses but I still think doing something will hopefully give me some kind of peace.

[notagoddess]

LadyNymeria, I am glad they are tracking your levels down. I hope they drop soon and you can move on to TTC again. I'm sorry you have a pregnant coworker as a reminder. That's tough.

pbandj714, do you wish your BFF called/emailed you individually about her pregnancy? Did she know about your loss? That is a hard situation. She may feel awkward about it too, hence posting on FB.

danib, I'm glad your H is coming home soon!

kayladawn91, GL in your TWW!

rablissful, sorry you are having a hard time. I imagine a subsequent loss makes it that much harder to be hopeful about the future. I'm also sorry about the lack of teaching job. Are you planning on finding a non-teaching job, or being open to long term subbing? 


How are you doing? OK

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched) TTC. I'm in the TWW, but it's too early to test.

Diagnosis (if applicable) Resected uterine septum.

Updates/questions. I've started school, which is giving me something positive to focus on besides a future baby. Since starting TTC, I feel like my life has been on hold in many ways.

Debbie downer (a place to vent) I am so worried that my previous pregnancy was a fluke and that it will be hard for me to get pregnant again. I don't have any evidence for this (it's only my 5th cycle TTC since the loss) but I am worried nonetheless.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? I bought this necklace and I wore it without taking it off for many months after my loss. It made me feel like I'm keeping my baby close to my heart.

[rablissful]

notagoddess I had two long term sub positions last school year and I'd be totally open to it again.... If there were any available.

My options right now are non teaching job (my SO can get me something at his work), regular subbing (DO NOT WANT), or some sort of tutoring. I'm not amused.

[notagoddess]

rablissful, that sucks. I hope the need for a long term sub arises in your district soon.

[pbandj714]

danib, notagoddess, yes, she knew about my loss. Sorry, I should have included more details. She had texted me telling me about her pregnancy about a month ago, so I did know about it and was expecting to see it on FB anyway since she's 14w. It was just still hard to see I guess. I would have been due 2.5 weeks before her, so that's part of why it stings so bad. I feel bad that she is also in an awkward place with this because she doesn't want to say anything to upset me, so she has kept her distance, which also sucks.

[shadesofgold]

Hey ladies! I'm glad to see so many "doing okay" updates this week. Hugs to those who need them.


How are you doing? Mostly well.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, early in the TWW

Diagnosis (if applicable): Consistently late O and short LPs - RE appointment set for Sept.

Updates/questions: Nada

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Earlier this summer, I vented here that my younger SIL had added a few pregnancy-related items to her Amazon Wish List. (We exchange links for holiday gift-giving, and it was public.) I have exchanged a few emails with her since then - including about some rough patches with her husband - but there has been no announcement. Well, I also follow her on Etsy and saw yesterday that she added a few baby items to her favorites list. I felt horribly stabbed in the heart. I'm torn because I would be so insulted if she was pregnant but hiding it from us, but I'd also probably be upset at any perceived insensitivity of an announcement. I just hope she is saving these for gifts or for the far-off future, because my feelings about her being pregnant first are too complicated to deal with.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? No, but I would like to. My grandmother lost her husband last year and recommended doing something to memorialize the loss around the EDD in October. I can't think of what that might be, so I'll be looking to you all for inspiration.

[shadesofgold]

Aug 25, 2015 11:41:50 GMT -5 pbandj714 said:

danib, notagoddess, yes, she knew about my loss. Sorry, I should have included more details. She had texted me telling me about her pregnancy about a month ago, so I did know about it and was expecting to see it on FB anyway since she's 14w. It was just still hard to see I guess. I would have been due 2.5 weeks before her, so that's part of why it stings so bad. I feel bad that she is also in an awkward place with this because she doesn't want to say anything to upset me, so she has kept her distance, which also sucks.

Gosh, these situations are so hard. Do you think you could send an honest little message to fill the silence and pave the way for the future? "I love you and am happy for you, but this is still hard for me. I know it is awkward and I hate the distance, but I've just needed a little time." I just know it can get harder to bridge the gap if it widens too much with time. HUGS.

[pbandj714]

Aug 25, 2015 11:46:56 GMT -5 shadesofgold said:

Aug 25, 2015 11:41:50 GMT -5 pbandj714 said:

danib, notagoddess, yes, she knew about my loss. Sorry, I should have included more details. She had texted me telling me about her pregnancy about a month ago, so I did know about it and was expecting to see it on FB anyway since she's 14w. It was just still hard to see I guess. I would have been due 2.5 weeks before her, so that's part of why it stings so bad. I feel bad that she is also in an awkward place with this because she doesn't want to say anything to upset me, so she has kept her distance, which also sucks.

Gosh, these situations are so hard. Do you think you could send an honest little message to fill the silence and pave the way for the future? "I love you and am happy for you, but this is still hard for me. I know it is awkward and I hate the distance, but I've just needed a little time." I just know it can get harder to bridge the gap if it widens too much with time. HUGS.

This is pretty much exactly what I've been needing to say. Thank you.

[sympkin]

How are you doing? Meh.

Status: Benched until next cycle

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions:

I had the official post-loss check-up yesterday. There seems to be a bit of a plan. Check HCG for next three weeks or until <5, a thyroid work up and a progesterone check when we get to that point. Apparently I've already had a lot of the clotting factor issues checked because I already have a platelet issue (that should not affect pregnancy) so we are all clear there. 

The last sticking point is that he had not yet received my ultrasounds so he wants to look at those before deciding anything else.

This feels fairly proactive to me but I figured you all would probably know better than I.

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

Hoping I've made the last call to a medical office where I have to be like, "Yep, the one with the miscarriage." Just ugh.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how?

I'm not sure if I'm the type. All were fairly early so I'm not even sure if I'm acting the right way half of the time.

[kayladawn91]

rablissful I'm sorry you haven't found a teaching job. I haven't received a call this week from my interview last Friday, so I'm thinking I'm not going to be teaching full time this year either. In my area, there are some support jobs that are similar pay as subbing and more stable and still in a school setting. Maybe there's something like that you could find?

[babyzebra]

Hey ladies! I was around a few months ago when TTC after losing my O15 baby, then had to step away for a little while to take care of some family stuff. I would like to rejoin you all if you'll have me!


How are you doing? I'm doing alright. I've found that the farther I've gotten from my losses, the easier it has become.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched) - I guess I would say NTNP.

Diagnosis (if applicable) - none

Updates/questions - I really hope my life settles down a bit and we can get back to more active TTC next cycle.

Debbie downer (a place to vent) - I'm kind of terrified to get pregnant again. I was devastated by losing my O15 baby. But, then I had another miscarriage several months later. I didn't know I was pregnant that time, and my first sign of pregnancy was the huge gush of blood. I happened to be at home at the time, but what if I'm not if that happens again? I've had 2 natural miscarriages at home now, and I don't know if I can do it again. It's a very tough emotional and physical process to go through.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how?
No, I haven't. This may sound very pessimistic, but I don't want to do anything quite yet until I know if I have more losses. I promise I'm not as discouraged as that makes me sound!

[CattyNattyRN]

Hey ladies, this is my first check in over here! I normally just lurk when CAL is slow, but I've still been lurking for a while, so I figured I'd join in. DH and I are both 25, married since January of 2013, and TTC since March of 2014. My loss happened just over a year ago. Our son, Tucker, was born still. He had a double nuchal cord, and it was determined to be the cause. We were cleared to TTC again after 6 months, which was up in February, but my cycles have been super wonky ever since, so here I am! I'm looking forward to lurking without feeling like a super creep!!

How are you doing?
    Really well, and I'm surprised. But passing the year anniversary was a big deal for me. Now I feel like We can move forward, somehow.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched)
    TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable)
    None

Updates/questions
    None

Debbie downer (a place to vent)
    I'm doing well! Nothing super frustrating to vent about at the moment!

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how?
    Yes. In lots of ways. I think it's been a big part of my healing. When we lost Tucker, the whole nursery was taken apart and placed in storage. So since then, we've been slowly starting to go through things. So I've framed a few sonogram pictures and made a little shelf with some of his things on it in our room. We have filled out parts of the baby book that were applicable. I also decided last week to go through the sympathy cards we received and make the craft I was going to make with his baby shower cards. It's now framed in the room that was his nursery. I also started a charm bracelet when I found out I was KU. So on his EDD we added a memorial charm to it that reminds me of him. We also visited his gravesite for the first time since the burial on the anniversary, which was last Sunday. 

It seems like a lot, now that I've written it down..  I really don't want to lose the fact that he was here, so it's important for me to have things that remind me of his life around the house. 

[rablissful]

shadesofgold I have more than five baby related boards on Pinterest (granted they are private), so maybe she's doing just that, just public! As to the memorial, maybe you could get a painting, jewelry, some flowers?

sympkin it's good that you have a plan! I didn't track my hcg down for either of my losses, so I'm sure those numbers will be nice to have! Andplusalso there is no right way to feel about all this.

kayladawn91 I don't know if there are any support positions directly near me. My mom's friends does do sorry work in a super urban town with a horrid school system. I just don't know if I'm up for that.

babyzebra I hear you about being terrified! I've had two losses this year as well and I don't know if I can handle a third. But once the excitement of thinking you're pregnant outweighs the fear, that's when it's good to start actively ttc again.

CattyNattyRN nice to see you around these parts! I'm glad you and YH are ready to move on and start trying again. So many hugs to you.

[rablissful]

pippacricket YAY for the RE appointment and so jealous of your trip!

[hydrangea1019]

LadyNymeria, I'm glad tracking the numbers is helpful for you. I hope they continue to decrease and your body continues to respond as it should!
pbandj714, One thing I wish I would've done was requested a picture of our u/s when they found the nugget. I always thought about it in the back of my mind, but never worked up the courage to ask for it. That would be nice to keep those tokens as a memory in a nice box.
danib, glad DH is coming back to town! Hope you both can spend some quality time together
rablissful, I'm sorry about the lack of job prospects. If you don't find anything before the school year, is it pretty tough to find something throughout the year?
notagoddess, I feel the same way about life being on hold. I feel like I am in a constant state of just waiting. Waiting to O. Two Week Wait. Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting Waiting Waiting. It's just a tough mind space to be in sometimes.
sympkin, making those phone calls to the doctor and having to explain over and over are hard. I remember when we had our loss, everytime I called the OBGYN they asked me how my pregnancy was. I finally told someone on the phone (and probably not too nicely) that they needed to check patient charts carefully before they asked that question so casually.

How are you doing? I'm doing ok. I had a couple different people tell me I was "off" yesterday. Not quite sure what it's related to, but I semi-felt it. I feel like I am back to me today. Although I am a bit frustrated by my postponed O-ing this cycle. It's all a waiting game.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Updates/questions: Nada. Just waiting to O.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? When we confirmed our loss, I threw everything away. However I do still have the pictures from when we told my side of the family. Those I am keeping for sure. I have thought about getting a butterfly tattoo like the one below, but yellow. I'd like it on the inside of my forearm, by the crease in my elbow. However, I have not worked up the nerve yet.

[hydrangea1019]

Aug 25, 2015 17:40:21 GMT -5 pippacricket said:

hydrangea1019 - That tattoo is a beautiful idea. Do you have any tattoos or would this be your first?

It would be my first. DH has several so I've been talking to him about it. We may start reviewing and looking up artists in our area. I just get super nervous lol

[wannabmama]

How are you doing? Sometimes life is hard, TTC or not.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched) TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable) don't even get me started on MH and his SA (or more accurately his avoiding re-doing it).

Updates/questions: nothing right now

Debbie downer (a place to vent) There's just too much going on right now, it's hard to focus on TTC when life's hard elsewhere. But time is ticking...and I can't believe we were so close once. I'm sort of unenthusiastic about everything. I'll snap out of it...hopefully in time for us to try this month!

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? I just have a pic of the pos test. I look at it sometimes when I can't totally believe it was real.

[wannabmama]

hydrangea1019 I love that tattoo!!

pippacricket I've never been to NO but it's high on my list!

CattyNattyRN welcome and hugs for the recent anniversary

babyzebra hugs to you too, take care of yourself and take your time

[vancitygirl]

How are you doing? Frustrated. Everyone around me seems to either be pregnant or has just had a baby and I know it just appears that way but...

Status: Actively TTC since May though I'm not sure I ovulated in May after the MC

Diagnosis: n/a

Updates/questions: nothing right now

Debbie Downer: see above with the how am I doing. Our EDD was November 20 and the closer we get to fall the more anxious I get that I'm not pregnant again already. I know it's ridiculous and my DH is awesome and keeps telling me that it doesn't happen so quickly but I'm just...probably pmsing cause writing this has me in tears which means I'm out for this cycle.

GTKY: no I haven't but I keep thinking about a tattoo that says "I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)" by E.E. Cummings on my rob cage though I'm not sure if I want that consistent reminder every time I see it.

[LadyNymeria]

I'm sorry I can't respond to everyone individually right now but I have read everyone's posts and wanted to stop in with hugs for anyone that could use them.

[raelien23]

LadyNymeria, I'm glad you are tracking down your hcg and that it is helpful for you

pbandj714, I hear you, lady. A friend who is due in what would have been a week of my due date just posted a video where they surprised a close friend of theirs with their pregnancy. I haven't watched it.

danib, glad your man is coming home soon!

rablissful, that sucks about the teaching position. What subjects do you teach? I think it is okay to hibernate for a bit if you need to.

notagoddess, we are in similar situations. My 1st edd was Dec. 5 and a huge part of me can't believe I won't be pregnant by then. I totally get what you are saying about feeling like my life has been on hold since ttc. I've basically been planning on being pregnant "next month" for the last 7 months and it sucks. I have basically vowed to myself to make plans as if I won't be pregnant - things like finishing out the school year and taking a big road trip next summer - because it keeps me sane and I actually feel like I'm living my life.

shadesofgold, it is really hard for me to not be a jealous person in those situations. It totally doesn't have anything to do with the other woman, I just get irrationally resentful of their apparent ease of GKU and having a healthy 9 months. I'm working on it.

sympkin, sorry for the meh week.

hydrangea1019, waiting to O over here too.

vancitygirl, I love that poem and e.e. cummings

wannabmama, sorry life is hard right now. I get it.

Oh hi!

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched) TTC waiting to O and hio a whole bunch this coming week

Diagnosis (if applicable) none.

Updates/questions: I have a regular ob/gyn check up Septembe 14 so I think I am going to start keeping a list of my questions and concerns and just bombard her with them at the appointent. I always get nervous for some reason or think I'm being bothersome when really I need to be proactive about my health.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): (child mentioned) One of my work bffs had a baby in July and I find myself avoiding her and baby. We were at a training today and everybody was just fawning over her and yeah, I was jealous.

GTKY: Have you memorialized your loss(es) in any way? If so, how? I actually got a tattoo. Not a memorial tattoo, but a power tattoo. It's an eagle and it symbolizes strength and resilience and just being a bad ass so it is kind of for me to remind myself I am strong and can make it through

[wannabmama]

Y'all are making me want another tattoo!
Once it's time, I want to get love birds on a branch, probably on my ribs. I have to have one very covered up be of work so there aren't a lot of great spots.
Something like this (I'd add a baby bird if we ever get lucky in that dept.)

[kayladawn91]

Adding in my Debbie Downer for the week since I didn't have one yesterday.

Well, this is shaping up to be a horrible week. My principal said they would be making a decision about the job by Wednesday and it's now Wednesday and I've heard nothing. I guess she could technically call today, but I'm not expecting it. I also woke up to CD1, completely unexpected. I was really happy with my chart, had no PMS symptoms, and got my hopes up for nothing. When will I learn? I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

Eta words

[mosdub]

Aug 26, 2015 7:17:43 GMT -5 kayladawn91 said:

Adding in my Debbie Downer for the week since I didn't have one yesterday.

Well, this is shaping up to be a horrible week. My principal said they would be making a decision about the job by Wednesday and it's now Wednesday and I've heard nothing. I guess she could technically call today, but I'm not expecting it. I also woke up to CD1, completely unexpected. I was really happy with my chart, had no PMS symptoms, and got my hopes up for nothing. When will I learn? I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

Eta words

I'm sorry Kayla I hope you hear from the principal today one way or the other just so it's not hanging over your head anymore. Also sorry about CD1 ((hugs))

[mosdub]

I didn't really post a check in this week but can I ask a NFNS question? Is it normal to have almost 2 weeks of light brown spotting? Something tells me it's normal, but I've never had it before. Obviously my body isn't back to "normal" but maybe this is my new normal? It's been 19 weeks since the d/c and my hcg is 33 now. What the hell is this light brown spotting? Also, what do you think about this chart? (See sig).

Sorry I haven't contributed much this week, I will