Relative Rant

[bibliothecary]

I need this. I don't know if anyone else does, but feel free to add.

[bibliothecary]

Fuck my in laws. In the eyes. G is almost 6 weeks old. They came over the day he was born. They criticized how we changed him. They did not hold or interact with him. They left.

My MIL came over when he was 2 weeks old. Got a picture taken with him for Facebook. Regifted a present from her co-worker (cheap clothing) that was addressed to her because, as she put it "I won't be taking care of him." Left.

MH calls and gives updates on G. They "uh huh" their way through a conversation until they can talk about their new puppy.

What is WRONG with these people?! THIS IS YOUR ONLY GRANDCHILD. Your other sons are probably not going to be providing spawn anytime soon. BE INVOLVED. You live 10 minutes away! And if you're not going to be involved, don't be shocked when G doesn't know who you are later. Spoiler alert: I will not be forcing him to hug the strangers he only sees at holidays. You are bastards and I hope you live to regret it.

[layloo08]

That's rough biblio... Nothing to say other than they are uber twats who don't deserve G.

[shannonabigail]

10 minutes away? My parents and/or MIL would be here every stinking day and we could go on a date every week! Step it up, people!

[maggiemae85]

"They "uh huh" their way through a conversation until they can talk about their new puppy." THIS. Is my mother your in law, somehow? I have been trying to figure out how the first grandchild is less interesting than the new dog, and, after 2 weeks of trying, I've got nothing. Let me know if/when you figure it out.

They will definitely regret not getting to know G. I hope they come around!

[motownthrowdown]

bibliothecary, that's my feeling about DH's extended family. With all the drama surrounding Amelia's birth, not ONE of his mom's family members contacted us. No phone calls, no texts, no Facebook messages. At my shower 4 weeks after she was born, I got to hear about how they were "thinking" about us, and didn't want to bother us, and how Mil's mom had thought about calling. No qualifier (I thought about calling BUT...), just that she'd thought about it.

Apart from the fact that she can't go to Christmas stuff due to too many people, if you can't bother to call your grandchild/nephew/cousin on the shockingly and suddenly early arrival of the first baby, I have no desire to play nice. No forced hugs, no "oh, go tell great-grandma you love her". Bullshit.

I will also not be forcing hugs because of an article I read months ago about body autonomy. Forcing hugs means you are tacitly approving unwanted physical contact. Plus I remember being forced to hug and kiss virtual strangers (relatives I didn't see often) and how much I despised it.

[zonagirl]

YES to the no forcing hugs. motownthrowdown did that article also talk about tickling? If so I think I read the same one.

[joi922]

Yep +1 on not forcing hugs and kisses. That's our policy with DS, even with us. If we ask for goodnight kissed and he says no, we don't force it. I don't want him to think it's okay for people to touch him when he doesn't want to be touched.

As for my family, my MIL is being almost too helpful. H is working nights this week so she came to help during the day. It was nice being able to take DS for a haircut without DD, and to grocery shop without the kids. But there's a price in the form of judgment. Her comments sound like digs and like we're in competition. Me: Thanks for helping with the kids. It's exhausting keeping up with an energetic todder and a newborn. Her: this is easy. I managed to survive with 3 young kids on my own while FIL was away (military), and keep the house clean and make a hot dinner every night.

Sigh. Is it wrong that the Hallelujah chorus sang through my head when I convinced her that I could get through the weekend without her?

[ajetter]

DH's mom is by no means as bad as described above. She loves her grandkids, and will always help us out if we ask. But we just moved to within five minutes of her, so we thought we'd see her a lot more than once every six weeks, and she never really calls. We always have to call her and invite her to do stuff. She says she hates to 'bother' us. It drives my husband nuts.

Also I think she is intimidated by me somehow. She is much more willing to hang out with just the older girls, or with DH and the older girls. But if I'm around she usually has a reason to leave. DH and I have been together since I was 15. I just don't get how we can't be comfortable around each other.

[maggiemae85]

+1 on not forcing hugs/kisses/contact

[motownthrowdown]

Sept 11, 2015 4:47:02 GMT -5 zonagirl said:

YES to the no forcing hugs. motownthrowdown did that article also talk about tickling? If so I think I read the same one.

Yes, I think it did. It was a pretty good article and it made me think about the way I was raised compared to how I am now with touch. I hate being touched. I hate having strangers pat my arm, shoulder, whatever. I've never understood the forced hugs, but the way this article explained it made sense.

[bibliothecary]

Sept 11, 2015 6:06:28 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

Sept 11, 2015 4:47:02 GMT -5 zonagirl said:

YES to the no forcing hugs. motownthrowdown did that article also talk about tickling? If so I think I read the same one.

Yes, I think it did. It was a pretty good article and it made me think about the way I was raised compared to how I am now with touch. I hate being touched. I hate having strangers pat my arm, shoulder, whatever. I've never understood the forced hugs, but the way this article explained it made sense.

I think I posted something like that on the TCF Facebook page a while back. I should see if I can find it again.

[runningmommy519]

joi922 is your mil my mom? She says similar stuff about taking care of 3 kids while my dad worked 12+ hrs a day.

[DSHM13]

Sorry to hear about all the family suck-age. My parents would kill to live 5-10 min from me. They are here for two weeks to help DH and I and we are being spoiled rotten. And last night my mom was already talking about how she and my dad will have to plan for dance recitals and soccer games when A is bigger.

The "I didn't want to bother you" excuse ways irritates me. DH's family never calls us or anything, DH calls them maybe once a month.. My family is probably too over-involved in each others' lives but it is what I'm used to and anything less seems odd. He ha texted them a few pics of A but hasn't really heard from them since the birth last weekend.

[packmomma]

My MIL is a "didn't want to bother you " type but it actually comes from a good place. When she and fil were first married he immediately went to Vietnam. She then lived with his mom. His mom was super judgy and over involved (even once fil had come back and they were living on their own) so now she over compensates not to do that. I try to remind her I don't mind her company but I have to explicitly invite her to things for her to come.
Could any of the absentee family had previous stuff like this? Or are they just absent asshats?

[bibliothecary]

Sept 11, 2015 8:16:07 GMT -5 packmomma said:

My MIL is a "didn't want to bother you " type but it actually comes from a good place. When she and fil were first married he immediately went to Vietnam. She then lived with his mom. His mom was super judgy and over involved (even once fil had come back and they were living on their own) so now she over compensates not to do that. I try to remind her I don't mind her company but I have to explicitly invite her to things for her to come.
Could any of the absentee family had previous stuff like this? Or are they just absent asshats?

Nope, No history of this. They're just assholes.

C'mon, people. I can't be the only one with complaints. Someone else bitch and make me feel like I'm not alone.

[motownthrowdown]

My stepdad hasn't contacted me since her surgery in July. Before that, it was the one time he came to see Amelia in the hospital. I've seen him twice since last Christmas. He hasn't gotten us anything in terms of baby stuff (I'm not digging for gifts, but he's been in my life since I was 11).

Regarding "being bothered"--everyone has cell phones. Everyone has a contact list. If I see someone calling and I don't want to be bothered, I don't answer my phone. This allows them to leave a message saying that they are thinking about me/congrats/oh no, how sad/etc. Or just freaking text it. Then I can get back to them at my leisure.

[incir]

Sorry about the ahole in laws. I will say that my ILs, who live 10 minutes away, were much less involved with my first than I thought they would be. Not entirely sure why, but when our oldest was one and a half my husband had a come to Jesus talk with them about how our son knew my parents, who live 12 hours away, better than he knew them. Silence for a week and then they started being much more involved and helpful. No apology or explanation, just a total turn around. My oldest is now very close to them and they were so helpful with the new ones arrival. Just wanted to say that if you all want the behavior to change their might still be time. Then again, my in laws aren't really assholes, just misguided.

[mommabakes]

Every time we see my MIL, she makes comments about how much she misses the kids, out how big they are getting, etc. And then she cries when we leave. We literally lived a mile down the road from her up until 3 weeks ago. Now we live an hour away, which still isn't that far. I've told her she is welcome to come over, but she refuses to unless we specifically invite them. Even then, she won't come alone because she doesn't want to drive, although she'll drive 5 hours to see my bils family.

Either get over yourself and come visit, or stop being a whiney, guilt tripping crazy lady!

[htuzzi324]

We live with my inlaws so...I could write a book. But here's one that really grinds my gears:
They want to be so involved with the kids. Talk about it all the time. Mil was so excited that Noah was going to be born here so she could help me and cuddle him and blah blah blah. She's cuddled him exactly 4 times in his 6 weeks of life. Most of the time they come home from work and lock themselves in their bedroom, only coming out to eat food I prepare (fil won't eat food I make unless mil is home.) and to let their dogs out. I cook, clean, and keep the kids alive with not so much as a word from them except complaints if I don't do this or that.
My older two want to interact with them, and they shut them out. It's bullshit.

[heavenwhip]

I got one for you bibliothecary. My in-laws complain that they never get to see the kids.....they live 4 hours away and always expect us to travel to them. Oh ya, it's so much easier for us to come to you. Well pack up the two tiny humans and the dog and be right there! They've been to our house 4 times in the 4 years we've lived here. It's a constant guilt trip every time we see them. Even this weekend, mil is going to sil's house (who is only 45min away) and I got the "you should really come out on Sunday so I can see the girls" texts. Um today is DD1's 2nd birthday, her party is tomorrow.... Which she was invited to, and I had plans Sunday to take DD1 to this cool new indoor playhouse that just opened, but hey, I'll just drop my plans with my kiddo's and pack them up because you can't be bothered to drive even 45 min to see them..... On one of the girls birthdays even. Fuck in-laws!

Oh and in case anyone forgot, these are the same people that created a whole lot of unnecessary drama when our dog died in June. In fact, I'm still not sure sil has said anything about her running the dog over to DH. I think she's still letting me take the 'blame' (not that there is any blame, it was an accident and dh does know it was her now)

[purplegaloshes]

When my in laws were visiting a couple of weekends back, FIL basically told me straight to my face all the ways he intends to undermine me as a parent. I'm sure he means it as a good-natured joke, but I can also tell he really intends to do the things he talks about! My in laws are really good, wonderful people with such kind hearts, but they often forget that people do things other ways than what they are used to, and FIL has that personality where he thinks that his bad/obnoxious behavior is somehow cute or funny. It drives me positively bananas. He also has made a lot of super gendered comments about things our girls will/will not do or how he will treat them based on their gender (he had three sons). I'm a pretty big time feminist and this REALLY rubs me the wrong way. I broke it down for DH that I don't want to make things difficult or uncomfortable, but that if he continues to speak that way once the girls are old enough to listen and understand, I will start calling him out on it every time until it stops.

Phew. Rant over.

[motownthrowdown]

purplegaloshes good for you! If Amelia wants to do nothing but play with dolls all day, that's fine. If she wants to play with hot wheels or some other "boy" thing, go for it.

If girls only ever do "girl" things, how will they function once they move out and have to take care of a car or fix something around their house?

[waterqueen]

My mom still hasn't talked to me about her third break down with DD1. She keeps acting like nothing happened. Wtf woman. I keep having to redirect DD1 when she asks to go spend time with grandma. Breaks my heart every time.

Hugs to everyone else dealing with asshats!

[abvintage]

MIL is a total dumbass. She is totally grossed out by BFing. She always tells me that DH was formula fed and he was really happy. Well la-de-freakin-da. DH wants me to BF. I want to BF you twat. She only comes over when we can go eat at some place she wants to eat or go shopping. Then she comes and hangs out for HOURS while I could be napping. She is totally nuts but I can't even get into all of it.

bibliothecary how are things with your Mom? I remember her threatening to show up while you gave birth and hover. Oh and the fit about not knowing the G's name.

[bibliothecary]

Sept 11, 2015 15:42:46 GMT -5 abvintage said:

bibliothecary how are things with your Mom? I remember her threatening to show up while you gave birth and hover. Oh and the fit about not knowing the G's name.

She's been remarkably normal. After the birth, I told her to come over... she went to the hospital. And found out I wasn't there. That was a weird phone call. But other than that, she's been good. Color me shocked. She visits often, but always calls and asks first. Doesn't overstay her welcome. Brings food. It's pretty good.

[abvintage]

Sept 11, 2015 16:24:12 GMT -5 bibliothecary said:

Sept 11, 2015 15:42:46 GMT -5 abvintage said:

bibliothecary how are things with your Mom? I remember her threatening to show up while you gave birth and hover. Oh and the fit about not knowing the G's name.

She's been remarkably normal. After the birth, I told her to come over... she went to the hospital. And found out I wasn't there. That was a weird phone call. But other than that, she's been good. Color me shocked. She visits often, but always calls and asks first. Doesn't overstay her welcome. Brings food. It's pretty good.

Wow. Maybe there is hope for the rest of us.

[econmarie]

Sept 11, 2015 16:24:12 GMT -5 bibliothecary said:

Sept 11, 2015 15:42:46 GMT -5 abvintage said:

bibliothecary how are things with your Mom? I remember her threatening to show up while you gave birth and hover. Oh and the fit about not knowing the G's name.

She's been remarkably normal. After the birth, I told her to come over... she went to the hospital. And found out I wasn't there. That was a weird phone call. But other than that, she's been good. Color me shocked. She visits often, but always calls and asks first. Doesn't overstay her welcome. Brings food. It's pretty good.

There must be more of a story here.

[motownthrowdown]

Sept 11, 2015 21:46:33 GMT -5 econmarie said:

Sept 11, 2015 16:24:12 GMT -5 bibliothecary said:

She's been remarkably normal. After the birth, I told her to come over... she went to the hospital. And found out I wasn't there. That was a weird phone call. But other than that, she's been good. Color me shocked. She visits often, but always calls and asks first. Doesn't overstay her welcome. Brings food. It's pretty good.

There must be more of a story here.

I'm curious.

[ady45]

Sept 11, 2015 10:45:23 GMT -5 motownthrowdown said:

purplegaloshes good for you! If Amelia wants to do nothing but play with dolls all day, that's fine. If she wants to play with hot wheels or some other "boy" thing, go for it.

If girls only ever do "girl" things, how will they function once they move out and have to take care of a car or fix something around their house?

Agreed! DD has tons of "boys toys." She loves hot wheels, super heroes, and tool sets. So what, she also loves princesses, nail polish, and dresses. She loved to help my dad while he was helping us remodel our house. If my son wants to play with DD'S Minnie Mouse kitchen and barbies, I am not going to stop him.