STM+ moms: what will you NOT do this time around

[microworm]

Or what will you do differently.

[microworm]

I will not be cleaning my house. We just hired someone.

I will (probably) not be making my own baby food if we go the puree route. I felt pressured to do it last time and there are so many good organic options now. If I don't have the time or desire, I will give zero fucks about buying baby food. Plus, DS is still eating veggie/fruit pouches, so if it is good enough for him at almost 2 years old, it's good enough for the baby.

[mladerri]

I will not make my husband get up during the motn. There is no point imo for both of us to be sleep deprived. My husband is not a morning person and we fought a lot due to his lack of sleep when it wasn't necessary. I'm going to have him sleep in the spare room. He can help with changing diapers and rocking to sleep until 11pm and then go to bed and help with ds at 6:30am. I do not see the point in us both being exhausted and he also doesn't get any time off. I'll keep you guys posted after baby arrives on how my plan really works out or if I end up changing my mind at 1am when lo is 2 weeks old

[happyday]

I am not going to have so many house guests in the first few days/weeks/months.

I am not going to feel pressured to travel with the baby before I'm ready. (Car ride with a 3 week old is misery).

I am not going to stress about nighttime routine until 6 months.

I'm going to put her down for naps in her own room this time around so she's familiar with the crib.

I'm going have more sex and focus on my marriage a bit more in the first year than I did with dd1. It was so easy to become disconnected last time with our soul focus on the baby. I want to be better about making him one of my (many) priorities. We rebounded great after the haze of the first year, but it was hard when we were in the midst of things and so sleep deprived.

[bighair12]

I am going to not have as many visitors in the hospital this time around. It was truly overwhelming.

we will not be having all of our immediate family over on our first night home.

I will try to put her down for naps in her crib or pack n play. I held DD1 for all her naps for the first ten months.

There are more. But, I will also be realistic about all the new changes that are coming with two kiddos.

[microworm]

I will not allow hospital visitors to stay for more than an hour. DH's cousin camped out in our room for a whole afternoon/early evening.

I will not stress about putting the newborn on a schedule while on maternity leave. I remember stressing the last couple weeks of my leave trying to figure out DS's natural nap/feeding/awake schedule so I could prep DC. I couldn't figure it out and of course it all changed when he went to DC.

[txmommy14]

Oh I love this post! Here are things I will do different:

-More tummy time. We were almost TOO laid back for first time parents and really didn't do tummy time because he didn't like it. He didn't crawl until 10/11 months and didn't walk until 18 months. That is almost definitely not why, but I'm going to try to make more of an effort this time (it's just so hard when they're in daycare and you want to hold your baby the few hours you get with them!)

-Carry her more (I rarely used a carrier with DS)

-Start food earlier (we started DS at 6 months and did mostly purees for a long time because I was nervous about choking and trying solids at daycare). He is such a picky eater now. Again, I hate to blame myself because plenty of kids start food at 6 months and are great eaters, but we will probably start introducing a few foods at 4-5 months this time.

-Not as many visitors in the hospital-I had a revolving door and although that was nice to feel so loved, it wiped me out! Also, be willing to speak up if people are overstaying their welcome (like microworm said, some people are clueless and stayed for forever.....I am of the opinion that hospital visits should be like 15 minutes!)

[athn64]

I will not listen to the idiot at the hospital who told me not to swaddle my child.

I will be more forcible about not having a lot of hospital visitors.

I will not freak out when my kid takes a long nap for the first time and misses a feed

[greysonsmom]

I will not allow out of town guests to come visit the same week we get home from the hospital.

[babyzebra]

There are so many things that I want to do differently this time around!

1. I'm not going to pump. Ever again. I know a lot of people don't mind, but I literally felt like it was torture. This leads me to #2....
2. I am not going to feel even an ounce of guilt giving my kid formula. I wish I would have switched earlier with DS. It would have saved us both a lot of grief and tears.
3. I am not going to hand wash bottles. That's what dishwashers are made for.
4. I will not give up so easily on baby wearing.
5. I will try to not be so much of a baby hog and accept help from family and friends when it is offered.

I'm sure I'll think of lots more.

[Flair Underwood]

I WILL tell DH what I need help with instead of expecting him to read my mind. (I need to make this a mantra).

I will try and not get so worked up about things... I keep telling myself I'll just be more relaxed this time around, so we'll see.....

[microworm]

Apr 25, 2016 9:24:23 GMT -5 Flair Underwood said:

I WILL tell DH what I need help with instead of expecting him to read my mind. (I need to make this a mantra).

I will try and not get so worked up about things... I keep telling myself I'll just be more relaxed this time around, so we'll see.....

+1. Along these lines, I will not be reading the stupid emails from TD, etc, saying "your baby is X weeks old and should be doing X, Y, and Z." Then stressing if he isn't.

Also like pp, I will be baby wearing much more.

[soultrane]

Echoing microworm, I won't pay as much attention to milestones and will remind myself that they are only averages. Reaching a milestone later than average doesn't automatically mean my kid will forever be behind.

[athn64]

Apr 25, 2016 9:37:59 GMT -5 microworm said:

Apr 25, 2016 9:24:23 GMT -5 Flair Underwood said:

I WILL tell DH what I need help with instead of expecting him to read my mind. (I need to make this a mantra).

I will try and not get so worked up about things... I keep telling myself I'll just be more relaxed this time around, so we'll see.....

+1. Along these lines, I will not be reading the stupid emails from TD, etc, saying "your baby is X weeks old and should be doing X, Y, and Z." Then stressing if he isn't.

Also like pp, I will be baby wearing much more.

I still get those toddler emails from baby center. I have at least learned not to open them now.

[Kevinmac]

I really like this post as a FTM :-)

[titania]

Apr 25, 2016 10:48:37 GMT -5 Kevinmac said:

I really like this post as a FTM :-)

Me too!  I love all of the advice from the STM+ moms! Thanks guys! 

[Andrea]

FTM, raising her hand:

How are you guys going to handle people in the hospital/home those first few days? DH and I were thinking about having a signal maybe and have him be the bad cop. But I am so open to hear what you guys plan on doing?

I have a fear we are just going to be slammed with people. Do you just risk pissing people off?

[athn64]

Apr 25, 2016 11:30:03 GMT -5 Andrea said:

FTM, raising her hand:

How are you guys going to handle people in the hospital/home those first few days? DH and I were thinking about having a signal maybe and have him be the bad cop. But I am so open to hear what you guys plan on doing?

I have a fear we are just going to be slammed with people. Do you just risk pissing people off?

We actually were really lucky with at home visitors. My ILS were hete from out of state, but they had their own hotel room and didn't come by til late morning and left in the evening. They also cooked and cleaned and let us nap. My family didn't come by out of respect for them (family is all local). And all our friends waited a couple weeks before asking if we were ready for visits.

I however, have no qualms about being rude if I need to. make sure YH is on the same page. I guess it also helps to try and let people know ahead of time that you're not planning on entertaining anyone the first week or so. Prepare them for the no visit or short visit mind set.

[nymama917]

I will not put so much pressure on myself for delivery. It will all work out and that may not be according to my mental plan but I need to just let go sometimes.

I will try (not sure I will succeed) to be more relaxed when introducing new foods. I was such a worry wart about an allergy that I was afraid to give her things.

I will allow more bottle feeding so that I can enjoy some adult beverages more often. I was terrified she would have issues bouncing back and forth and didn't let myself relax as much. I will also try not to let pumping consume my life. I have another child that needs time and attention and if that means formula then no big deal. I wasn't anti-formula with DD1 but I was just mentally so obsessed with nursing and pumping that it was my own issue that I often let consume me.

I will accept help even if it's helping with the baby so that I can do other things like clean or shower or spend time with DD1.

[soultrane]

Apr 25, 2016 11:30:03 GMT -5 Andrea said:

FTM, raising her hand:

How are you guys going to handle people in the hospital/home those first few days? DH and I were thinking about having a signal maybe and have him be the bad cop. But I am so open to hear what you guys plan on doing?

I have a fear we are just going to be slammed with people. Do you just risk pissing people off?

For us, what worked last time was setting visit expectations ahead of time. Even though DH's family was coming from out of state, we were both pretty set on not wanting overnight guests at home in those first few weeks so we made sure they knew that when planning their visit. Once they were here, we also made it clear that they should call us ahead of time and not just stop by the apartment to make sure we were home and prepared for guests. 

At the hospital, there were so many nurses in and out that they helped to provide natural cues about when it was time for folks to leave so I don't really remember either of us having to police anyone's visit activity. 

Whatever you do, make sure that you and DH are very clear on each other's expectations so you can communicate them well to others. 

[microworm]

Apr 25, 2016 10:36:55 GMT -5 athn64 said:

Apr 25, 2016 9:37:59 GMT -5 microworm said:

+1. Along these lines, I will not be reading the stupid emails from TD, etc, saying "your baby is X weeks old and should be doing X, Y, and Z." Then stressing if he isn't.

Also like pp, I will be baby wearing much more.

I still get those toddler emails from baby center. I have at least learned not to open them now.

Ugh yes me too. Delete.

[littleducky]

These are aspirational and who knows how I'll actually end up being, but here's what I'm hoping for.

I will not worry about other people's feelings (particular MIL's) during the first 6 weeks. MIL got her feelings hurt repeatedly because we weren't letting her come over as much as she wanted. I felt guilty and sad about her feeling sad. This time I have decided I am not going to care about that.

I will not worry about supplementing with formula and/or using a nipple shield if needed. I was SO worried about screwing up breastfeeding that I nursed through a TON of pain in the early weeks. This time I will do what I need to do to relieve the pain.

I will try to get out of the house earlier and more often. DS was born in December and the winter blues were ROUGH. I'm hoping that the extra daylight in the summer will help me feel more human more quickly. I'm hoping to spend many evenings at the pool after DH gets home from work.

[microworm]

Apr 25, 2016 11:30:03 GMT -5 Andrea said:

FTM, raising her hand:

How are you guys going to handle people in the hospital/home those first few days? DH and I were thinking about having a signal maybe and have him be the bad cop. But I am so open to hear what you guys plan on doing?

I have a fear we are just going to be slammed with people. Do you just risk pissing people off?

Everyone else had good advice regarding setting up expectations with YH and visitors beforehand. So I will just say do not worry about being a bitch if you need to. I wish I was more assertive about visitors and we didn't even have that many.

Like I said earlier, hospital visits will be limited to less than an hour. Seriously they should not be there for more than 30 min really. I will be telling MH this beforehand and will have no problem telling people or getting MH to tell people to GTFO. Feedings or "mommy is tired" is a good natural cue for visitors to leave.

As for home guests, we had BIL and "SIL" invite themselves over for dinner the first night we were home. This time, nope nope nope. People can stop by. People can bring food. We are not entertaining.

[babyzebra]

Andrea I didn't really mind people being in the hospital or our house last time, but I know a lot of people do. I'm a pretty direct person, so I've never had a problem telling someone they're overstepping boundaries. I think soultrane is right on about setting expectations ahead of time if you think lots of people will bother you. That way people will be less surprised and upset if they don't get to visit as much as they want.

[2dogs2kids]

So many of what has already been said.

First thing is I am not having a ton of visitors at the hospital and I am not going to be afraid to tell people to leave. It was overwhelming and uncomfortable especially when 15 people showed up and I'm trying to learn how to nurse. Luckily the LC was not afraid to kick everyone out, but still.

I will not sterilize bottles. So much time wasted.

I will not feel guilty for "hogging" my baby.

I will try not to scrutinize every little thing and think everything is a sign of ASD. Who am I kidding, I still do this and I literally drive myself crazy, but I admittedly have an irrational fear that I will be one of "those parents" that misses all the blatantly obvious signs.

I will not put my marriage on the back burner.

No bed sharing. Ever.

I will not feel guilty when and if BF/pumping becomes too much.

[txmommy14]

I love reading everyone's responses to these! I am very social and loved being around everyone, but the hospital was just too much. I seriously did not have ANY time where people weren't visiting, so when it was time to leave, I was completely overwhelmed and not ready to leave the hospital. I think part of it was because DS was born on a Friday late in the afternoon, so everyone was off on Saturday and came by the next day. I'm hoping this one is born during the week, because I really don't mind visitors in the evening.

I agree about the baby milestones. My DS wasn't meeting any of them and it was hard to get those emails (but honestly worse to compare to other babies on Facebook!) He's caught up just fine, but it was unnecessary stress. It really doesn't matter if a kid doesn't walk until 18 months, you're not going to have any idea after that how long it took them to walk!

[sandandsea]

I think we did a pretty good job with DS so we don't plan on doing anything differently really. We had very open minds about everything and our motto was, "we will try Plan A, but if it doesn't work, Plan B will be fine". We will be more ready/willing to ask for help and get a sitter when we need a break. I felt bad last time about spending the money and we really never got a break, which is exhausting. We don't have any family in the area, so it's hard to make it happen.

Andrea, last time my parents and ILs were both at the hospital and around when DS was born. I didn't mind and they did a fairly good job of taking turns. This time, my mom will be here when LO is born to watch DS (hopefully depending on timing since we've already booked her flight), and ILs will be coming a couple of weeks later after my family leaves.

[frecklesnbrains]

Another FTM here, taking detailed notes. You guys are awesome!

[microworm]

txmommy14 oh that is so true about weekend visitors. DS was born Sat afternoon so we had Sat evening and then Sun visitors because everyone was off.

[babyzebra]

Ooh I thought of another one.

I will be declining cervical checks until I'm in the hospital unless my OB has a really compelling reason to need to do one in the office.