TTCAL 3/28 - Not February

[scoutradley]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food?

[mflowers929]

Psst, it's March, not February ;-)

[scoutradley]

Mar 28, 2017 8:05:17 GMT -5 mflowers929 said:

Psst, it's March, not February ;-)

Darn it! Thanks!

ETA: uh why isn't the title changing??

Edit again: got it!

[aprilz81]

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC (2nd cycle after loss)

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS

Updates/questions: Started back with the RE after trying on our own for one month. Started Femara on Sunday.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Not TTC related, but we are dog sitting for my parents and the dog has pooped in the house two straight days, both times shortly after he was taken outside by DH and before I got out of of bed. He is a great dog and has never done this before and has been to our house countless times.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? I love toast with butter at any time of day/night. If I'm actually sitting down to an actual breakfast I would say waffles.

[citybee]

*TW - LC mentioned*

This is my first time posting in this thread. I got a bfp on the 19th on only our second cycle trying for #3. I was totally shocked because we tried significantly longer for our other children. I continued testing throughout the week to see the lines progressing like I did with my past pregnancies. They progressed for a few days and then started slowly getting lighter. I knew by the weekend that it was going to end and I started bleeding on Sunday.

How are you doing? Overall I think I'm doing ok. I get waves of emotion, but feeling a little better each day. I'll be relieved when the bleeding stops.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, cd3

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I feel really bad because in all of our bfp excitement, we told our 4 year old. She was so excited and she went on to tell her teachers and everything. It really sucked to have to untell her. I'm taking her to school this morning for the first time since it happened and I'm dreading her teachers asking me about the pregnancy or her probably telling them that I'm not pregnant anymore. If we are fortunate enough to get another bfp, I'm not going to tell anyone except for H.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? I love eggs so much. I eat them literally every day.

[ldubhawksfan]

How are you doing? Meh ok.

::::::::TW :::::::::::


a pregnancy announcement bothered me last night. This particular old CW always rubs me the wrong way and of course they are having identical twins. Eye roll. I'm such a bitch and need to stop.

::::::end TW:::::::::

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC 2nd cycle trying AL

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a

Updates/questions: temp spikes this AM so FX I O'd. I looked at the 1st 2 cycles post loss and I O'd on CD 18. Yesterday was cd 17, so it seems in line.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Sorry my phone is being a POS and wouldn't let me cut and paste the above.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? Nothing beats a good Hawaiian French toast!!

[ldubhawksfan]

citybee I am so sorry for your loss. I hope the teachers don't bring it up.

[ajetter]

TW:: I'm thinking most of my post is full of triggers. Pregnancy announcements and thoughts about my loss, etc. So if you're having a rough day you might want to skip it. ::

How are you doing? In the overall grand scheme of things, actually pretty good. I think getting through that first cycle trying again helped settle me down a bit. Then again I haven't hit the TWW yet so I'm sure I could get nuts again.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, CD 16, hoping I O before the weekend

Debbie downer (a place to vent): DH told me that one of our close friends said his wife is pregnant. This is their second. Happy for them, but man, every new pregnancy just stings so much. I hate being in that place.

TW:::: Being pretty blunt here :::::

Last week an article popped up on my facebook, with a photo of a couple and their still born at 14 weeks, or they induced a MMC or something. Anyway, I shouldn't have clicked it, but I did. Seeing them holding the baby made me feel so guilty about doing the D&C and not waiting for my body to miscarry naturally. I have no clue if I would have, or if it would have been complete, and the finality of the D&C I think was helpful for healing. But I feel like I threw my baby away. She measured 11W6D. She looked like a real perfect little baby on the ultrasound when we confirmed she was gone. Sometimes it all still feels like a dream. Also seeing the photo of the still born made me feel guilty for not giving her a name. I want to approach my husband about maybe naming her, but I don't know how he'll feel about it and I don't want to upset him. I don't know. I just don't know what I want to do with all of that.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? I love almost ALL breakfast food. Pancakes, waffles, french toast, bacon, a hash with a fried egg on top, it's all so good. For the most part though, I just eat scrambled eggs. I wish french toast was healthier!

[ajetter]

TW:: LC mentioned ::

citybee, I'm so sorry for your loss. Telling our girls about the loss was one of the hardest parts (we told them about the pregnancy when I was 10 weeks, lost the baby at 12). My 6 year old was stressed about having to tell her friends that she wasn't getting another sibling, and she cried "Why did you even tell me about the baby?". That one really hurt. I ended up doing a lot of e-mailing parents and teachers and giving them the facts so they could try and intercept anything that they could/just having back up if she had any issues with it. But overall it all went better than I expected. If I get pregnant again, I'll probably try to avoid telling the kids until at least 14 weeks. At the same time, them knowing allowed me some grace while healing. I didn't have to try and hide my tears. Of course I did my best to hold it together, but if they caught me crying instead of asking lots of questions I just got lots of hugs.

[ajetter]

misspatty, hugs. That is tough. I have a hard time seeing people due the same time I was as well. It's hard not to let yourself think of how things were supposed to be, when it is staring you in the face.

[ldubhawksfan]

TW

ajetter I'm so sorry that you saw that article and it made you feel guilty. I don't know what to say other than it's a sucky position to be in, to make that choice regardless of which you choose. For me, the d&c was a decision I made because my previous loss, I had retained tissue and needed one anyway, and I worried about being in the immense pain of naturally miscarrying again with DD. But I still have moments of regret for similar reasons of feeling like I threw away my child.

If DH is on board, I think it would be a beautiful thing to name your daughter, and maybe pay tribute to her in a way. We planted a tree for both of our angels a few weeks after this loss. Seeing it bloom with little orange blossoms and flourish now brings my heart joy and some peace. Sending you all of my ((hugs)) friend.

[Rama]

How are you doing? Numb/sad/pissed

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched, I guess?

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP, MMC, oglio-/annovulation

Updates/questions: We found out at our appointment on Friday that we lost the babies almost a week prior.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I'm in a weird place. I have a dead baby inside of me and getting everything set up to do genetic testing on the products of conception is proving to be a headache. I'm in love with my OB, though, she's doing the most and then some. I feel so cared for by her.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? Eggs Benedict

[ldubhawksfan]

Rama
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. ((Hugs))

[ajetter]

@rama I'm so so sorry.

[Rama]

Thanks guys. I never wanted to come back, but I'm glad to have some of the greatest humans waiting for me with open arms since I have.

Let's all bust out and stay out, yeah?

[scoutradley]

Rama I'm so so so terribly sorry to see you here. Get plenty of rest and so many hugs for you and your H.

[ldubhawksfan]

Mar 28, 2017 15:05:33 GMT -5 Rama said:

Thanks guys. I never wanted to come back, but I'm glad to have some of the greatest humans waiting for me with open arms since I have.

Let's all bust out and stay out, yeah?

Heck yeah!! If you need anything or have any questions as you navigate the next few painful days, please don't hesitate to ask any of us or PM if you'd prefer. ((Hugs))

[scoutradley]

How are you doing? I'm alright I suppose. I am realizing that our timing this month may not have been the best so I'm a little down in the dumps about that. Of course, that would be assuming we GKU our first month back trying which isn't likely.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PID related issues.

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I should be 11 weeks pregnant. I wish I could stop counting.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? Waffles, but I rarely eat them.

[mflowers929]

aprilz81, my dog does this too. It's super frustrating! I don't know if it would work in the short term, but we've started giving him treats whenever he does his business outside, so he's more motivated to actually do it there XD

citybee, I'm sorry that you're finding yourself in this situation. It's never a nice feeling to have to join this club =(

misspatty, you know yourself best. Sometimes you have to take some time to heal, and sometimes you have to push yourself to get past your feelings. Only you really know what is going to work best for you *hugs*

ldubhawksfan, FX hunny!!

ajetter, I'm pretty sure I saw that article as well. It was pretty triggering =( I actually went ahead and named our first loss without telling MH. I didn't know what the sex is though, so I'm not sure if that would have affected that or not.

Rama, I'm so sorry that you're finding yourself back here. I remember being stuck in limbo, and how absolutely surreal that feeling was. I hope that you're able to get everything sorted out.

scoutradley, If it makes you feel any better, you don't stop counting, but it gets less frequent. I'm coming up on the 3rd anniversary of my loss and it's making my stomach feel like it's curling up inside of me, but this is the worst it's been since Christmas, so at least there's that.

[smores]

aprilz81 - I hope you have some Folex handy! My dog does this too when we go out of town. My vet's best guess is that it's due to separation anxiety.

citybee - I am so, very sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

scoutradley - I wish I had something helpful to say... All I can offer are hugs. I can't stop counting either. I'd be 11 today as well.

[smores]

**TW this whole post for OPP**

misspatty - I don't blame you for skipping book club. It's what I'd likely do for a couple weeks as well. It's ok to need time to process that news and it's ok to not be ready to face her yet. It sounds like you made some good friends there and I'm sure they will welcome you back when you're ready. Until then, don't beat yourself up!

ldubhawksfan - If you're a bitch, I'm a bitch. I'm giving myself a bitch pass right now. Literally every post made by one of my pregnant friends makes cringe, rage, cry, or roll my eyes so far back in my head that they may actually get stuck there one of these times. 99% of the time, it's the latter. Said friend posts multiple times a day. She has been recently blocked.

[kariann12]

All the warnings:

Hi everyone. I guess I go here now. I got my first ever BFP 3/6, after trying over 3 years. MH and I spent 2 weeks in Europe having the vacation of our lives. Last Fri I started red spotting, which got worse all weekend. Monday afternoon I was in incredible pain and started heavy bleeding during work. I work in a hospital so went down to the ER. I had a complete m/c Mon night. After ultrasounds, pelvic exams and bloodwork, they determined all products of conception were out.

How are you doing? Terrible, sad, angry, nervous

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): waiting to stop bleeding from my m/c

Diagnosis (if applicable): unexplained IF, MH has low morph.

Updates/questions: I don't know where to go or where I belong. I need support but don't know where to go.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Every minute is a struggle. I want to be pregnant again now, but I'm terrified of going through this again. I needed​ so much help.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? Chocolate chip pancakes. MH took me out for them the morning after my m/c.

[smores]

**TW - I'm not sure exactly how to warning this. It's just heavy. Skip if you're having a hard day. Also, this got longer than I thought it would.**

ajetter - I just want to give you so many hugs. My loss was much earlier than yours, but I also struggled heavily with aspects of the D&C and some of thoughts you are having. I still do sometimes. I knew it was the right decision. I knew I would not be able to handle miscarrying naturally, mentally or physically, even though I felt like it would have been a "nicer" option. I had to remind myself that was not a healthy way to think, that my baby was already gone... No matter what option I chose. What would happen to my baby after the D&C weighed and still weighs heavily on my heart some days. I felt like I didn't just want him/her to be gone... Idk it's hard to explain. I did speak with my husband about naming our baby. He felt entirely opposite from how I did. I honestly just assumed he would agree with me and I was not prepared for the convo to go the way it did. It was difficult to hear in the midst of the rawest part of my grief. I would recommend being fully prepared mentally before going into that convo with your husband if you decide to. There is a chance he may feel differently than you do or differently than you expect him to. My husband did not want it official or to really be involved, but I decided to name her. I don't know if the baby was a boy or girl, but a name jumped out at me almost immediately, and it instantly just felt right. It's helped me heal in a way. I probably won't ever tell anyone her name, and if I do it will be a long, long time from now, but when I'm feeling down about all of it, it helps me to remind myself that it wasn't just a blurry dream. She was here, she existed, and, although only I know it, she has a name. I know people believe differently, but I believe she is in a better place, and it makes me happy to know that one day, when I get there too, I'll be able to greet her by name. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a crazy person.

[smores]

Rama - Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your babies. My heart breaks for you. I remember going out to a "pick your own" farm after I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat, but before my D&C. I thought to everyone there I must have looked totally normal, happy even. The thing they couldn't have known was the thing I couldn't stop thinking about the whole time... That I was still carrying a baby I would never hold inside me. It felt crushing. It also reminded me to be gentler with people, you just never know what someone is going through. I hope your D&C goes smoothly today, that you have an easy (physical) recovery, and that you can begin the healing process mentally/emotionally. I'm glad your doctor is on team Rama and has made you feel well cared for. I'm here for you if you need anything, and I sincerely mean that.

[Rama]

kariann12 You absolutely belong here and are welcome to lean on us whenever you need to. These ladies have helped me through my darkest days and off of my highest ledges. If you ever need support or a knowing ear, I think I can safely say that we will all be there to commiserate and hold you.

Also, you have my number. Use it any time, for any stupid reason. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense.

[smores]

kariann12 - I am so, terribly sorry for your loss. I don't have the words to express my condolences. I'm certain I speak for everyone when I say that you can most definitely "belong" here, although I'm so sorry you have to. You will get through this because you are strong and because you have to. Even if that means taking it one second at a time. Eventually those seconds will turn to minutes, minutes to hours, and hours to days, and you will get through this. It's not fair and it can feel crushing. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel however you need to right now. And if you find that you need someone to talk to, to vent to, or to type out your incoherent feelings to, I am here. I truly and sincerely mean that. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out with no real rhyme or reason other than to acknowledge your feelings and know you are not alone with them.

[sarahh]

I'm so sorry Rama, kariann12, and citybee, for your losses.

How are you doing? Okay - I really thought this month was our month but then I started getting AF cramps and had a minor meltdown. I'm getting really frustrated with the process and I am not get any younger.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): Unexplained

Updates/questions: The doctor called in my Femara yesterday and I guess I'm going up a pill each day. Anyone that has been on Femara, did you gain weight? I am not sure if my weight gain is the pill or depression related.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): *TW* I sometimes too think I'm a bitch when it comes to happy pregnant people. I truly am happy for people that find out they're pregnant but it's frustrating that it's so hard for some of us. And if I have one more person ask when we are going to have another, I may punch someone. A lot of acquaintances/co-workers don't know that we've been trying for a while and that I miscarried last summer and what I really want to say is something sassy back but I know I just have to hold it in and say "we will see."

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? I am not a big sweet fan for breakfast so I will always go for some sort of omelets or egg dish. Funny because DH is from Vermont and likes maple syrup on everything.

[ldubhawksfan]

kariann12 I'm so sorry to see you here. ((Hugs)) you absolutely belong here.

[smores]

**TW - LC**

sarahh - I'm right there with you on the "time for another" line of questioning. While I'm sure it's well-intended, that doesn't make it hurt any less. One of my distant family members posted "time for another" on my FB (on a pic of DD) the week of my D&C - it stabbed me right in heart. I promised myself right then that I would never, ever, make comments like that to anyone ever again (as prior to my loss I'm sure I did at least once or twice). I'm sorry you have to deal with it as well.

[smores]

How are you doing? Better than last week, which is at least progress in the right direction.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched. Waiting for my first post D&C AF. My OB cleared us to start trying after that.

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: I had my post D&C follow up appointment with my OB on Monday. I actually forgot about it and called 15 mins after my appointment time to reschedule. They told me I was welcome to come in still if I could get there in 10 minutes, which I could because I live close to there. It was early and I hadn't showered yet so I asked if I would be having an exam or if it was just an office visit. I'm still spotting/lightly bleeding so I was thinking, obviously, if I was having an exam I would want to shower first to freshen up down there and would just reschedule for another day. They said no, just an office visit. Guess who was mortified when the doctor walked in and was surprised I was still dressed because she needed to do a breast and vaginal exam *raises hand*. Luckily, there was a sink in the room so I quickly cleaned myself up, but yeah, I'm still mortified!

Overall, the appointment was good though. My OB shared with me when we found out about our loss that she has also had a loss. This appointment she acknowledged that she knew I'd be nervous next time and offered next time to do early and more frequent ultrasounds in the first tri if I wanted to. Idk if I will (that might stress me out more), but I thought it was really considerate of her to offer and I really felt like she cared and understood.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Nothing specific today.

QOTW: What is your favorite breakfast food? My favorite is chocolate chip waffles!