TTCAL 4/4

[scoutradley]

The Trying to Conceive After a Loss thread is posted once a week (generally on Tuesday) for those of us who have unfortunately experienced a loss. No matter what type of loss you've experienced, from miscarriage to stillbirth to the loss of a child, it is heartbreaking. This thread is to help us commiserate, get support, and to try to navigate trying to conceive, after a loss, every week.

Out of respect to all the ladies here, please add a trigger warning if you decide to talk about any living children and please hide your signature if it contains pictures or tickers of babies or children. We also kindly ask for grads to refrain from commenting in this thread.

**If this is your first check-in, and you would like to provide a gtky loss history intro go for it. If not, no worries!**

How are you doing?

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched):

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent):

QOTW: what is your favorite movie?

[scoutradley]

How are you doing? I'm okay. It TWW and I'm not hopeful about this cycle (timing issues). I want to be pregnant but I'm terrified too.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): PID

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): **TW BFP** one of my bffs got a BFP this week. I'm surprisingly not sad at all, I'm really excited for her. She had a loss late last year and I have been wanting this for her so badly. But strangely I'm having anxiety for her. I'm scared she'll lose the baby which is crazy because 1) there is no reason to believe she'll lose again and 2) it isn't even me and 3) she isn't really even anxious right now. Idk what is up with me.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? I have so many. I really like The Wizard of Oz for some weird reason. If I'm down I like to watch the live action Cinderella or My Fair Lady.

[Rama]

*hugs* misspatty

How are you doing? Surviving

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, EP, MMC, oglio-/anovulation

Updates/questions: We nicknamed the triplets yesterday and I cried.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I keep saying I'm sad, but that's not quite right. I'm nothing. I don't feel. I haven't felt anything since before we even found out, except through empathizing with someone else. I only cry or get mad when he cries or I think about my parents and siblings crying. I've been here before. It's not a good place for me. Intellectually, it scares me. Because when I'm like this, reality just gets really nebulous. MrRama keeps me grounded, but he can't be around all the time. I just have to hope I hold it together long enough to get back to him.

I know that sounds really alarming, but I am really good at just existing. So please try not to worry too much. We've got a call into a grief counselor already; I'm hoping it'll help when we get it going.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? My Neighbor Totoro

[mflowers929]

I wish I could reply to ya'll, but I'm at work and it's so hard to do that on my phone, so I'll just update for now and know that I'm cyber hugging you all.


How are you doing? Okayish. My boss let us know that one of the previous workers just had a second loss, which got us talking about my loss, and I could feel myself getting a little worked up.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions: just sitting on my thumbs waiting for my appointment.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): just super grumpy for seemingly no reason right now. Everything is irking me way more than it should.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? Mr. Nobody.

[Rama]

Apr 4, 2017 10:16:39 GMT -5 misspatty said:

Rama So many hugs lady. After everything you've been through, it seems like a totally normal defense mechanism to be numb. I'm so glad you have Mr. Rama and that you'll be seeing a grief counselor in the future to help you work through your emotions. I'll be thinking of you.

See, it feels different from what I consider "numb".  I have A LOT of feels, I can feel them roiling around in my body.  But I can't feel them.  I can't express them without a catalyst.  That's what I meant when I said I feel nothing.  Not that I don't have anything *TO* feel, but I can't feel it.

I feel like I'm not making sense.  Numb is one of the feelings that I am unable to feel.

[Deleted]

I guess I go here now. I just had my first loss last week, and I'm waiting to see my Dr next week on Thursday.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): benched, I think. I will know more after my appointment next week.

Diagnosis (if applicable): PCOS, hypothyroid, RH neg

Updates/questions: I had to get a rhogam shot last week due to the loss, but I'm not sure if there is a time frame for how early they are required. I know that it doesn't hurt to get one, but it was no fun sitting in the emergency department waiting for blood work for almost 4 hours.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): pads are the worst, ugg.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? I love watching Disney movies over and over again.

[ajetter]

@sparky85 I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a chemical pregnancy in '14 and they still gave me a shot as a precaution. But I was at my doctors office so it wasn't nearly as terrible. I'm sorry.

[kariann12]

How are you doing? I'm here. Each day is a rollercoaster ride that I can't get off.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): benched?

Diagnosis (if applicable): unexplained IF

Updates/questions: I finally stopped bleeding over the weekend, but I was still getting +HPTs, so I'm not sure how long that'll last. I'm hoping this cycle is short, or at least not longer than normal. My doc said we can start trying again after I have one period.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I told my family over the weekend. They cried, which made me feel even worse. I'm glad I told them, and they've been a big support, but it was​ still hard to feel like I let them down. Everyone is being positive though, so there's that.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

[Rama]

So many big, warm hugs, kariann12. Telling family is always the hardest part of loss for me because despite their love and support for us, their hurt and pain and loss stabs my heart several times more on top of my own pain. You did not let them down. The universe let us all down. *squeeze*

[notelsie]

How are you doing?

I feel like I'm doing better lately. It's just a little hard getting my life and friendships back on track. I feel overwhelmed more often than I want to, and sometimes I feel like I've made myself invisible to people. It gets lonely.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC

Diagnosis (if applicable): IR PCOS

Updates/questions: I'm in the TWW, and trying not to overthink everything. It's been too early for symptoms, but I've been dealing with headaches, nausea, and cramping. Today is 5dpo, and my temps took quite a dip so I'm trying not to get discouraged. I'm also trying not to get my hopes up.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): TW: loss. There's a lot of feels knowing I was supposed to have a baby this year, and this is my last shot.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? Oh wow, I have no idea. There are too many amazing ones to choose from.

[notelsie]

So many feels in here.. I wish I could give you all a hug. I feel so appreciative for you all. ❤

[Rama]

Apr 4, 2017 12:37:51 GMT -5 notelsie said:

There's a lot of feels knowing I was supposed to have a baby this year

This is what hits me the hardest. 

I was supposed to have a baby in 2016, I was supposed to have a baby in 2017.  I don't like this trend and each time I get to a new year, I wonder if it's going to keep going.

[mflowers929]

It seems like we're all having a rough week. I hope you all know how best to take care of yourself. For me, I'm thinking that since I'm off tomorrow I might hop in the car and go for a drive to clear my head. I took a long walk the other day, and it helped, but not quite enough.

@rama I think I know what you mean. I was a bit more emotional, but I swung between that and almost a clinical detached look at my experience.

[Rama]

Apr 4, 2017 13:04:10 GMT -5 mflowers929 said:

It seems like we're all having a rough week. I hope you all know how best to take care of yourself. For me, I'm thinking that since I'm off tomorrow I might hop in the car and go for a drive to clear my head. I took a long walk the other day, and it helped, but not quite enough.

@rama I think I know what you mean. I was a bit more emotional, but I swung between that and almost a clinical detached look at my experience.

Lots of this.  Lots and lots and lots of this.

[scoutradley]

The emotional side of it all has been very hard to navigate. I'm scared to talk to family about it because I don't want to make them sad or uncomfortable or for them to think I'm fixated on it (which I am). I try not to bring it up, but sometimes I do because I feel lonely or like it's "over and done, move on" and I'm not ready to move on. But then I feel like it's brushed over. The only people who help me feel sane about it is one of my bff's, my SIL and my mother (all of whom have suffered a loss). Especially my bff who I can say anything to and she totally commiserates.
But when I'm alone, I can't let myself feel it. I can't stand crying, I feel weak and pathetic. Anytime I want to get angry or sad, I stop it. I detach from it because it's too much. And now, I don't know if I can let go of the control. I wonder if it will make me feel better but I'm terrified I'll just become depressed. I bought a journal right after, my friend said writing helped a lot. But I can't. It's sitting on the shelf where I put it and even picking it up sets in waves of anxiety. I got as far as picking it up and opening the cover to look at the empty first page the other day, but I set it back. I don't want to feel it all, but holding back is killing me too. I've gotten to where tears threaten in the store, at the gym, on the sofa in quiet moments, in the bathroom where I have flashbacks. But even though I can feel my eyes wanting to cry, I can't feel the sadness anymore. And if I cry, won't I feel the sadness again?

[ldubhawksfan]

I'm mobile so I can't do individual responses, but I would like to hug each and every one of you. I'm sorry this has been such a shittastic week and I'm so sorry for the recent losses. ((Hugs))

How are you doing? Meh, I'm ok. Trying to not really think about it.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): ttc

Diagnosis (if applicable): n/a, previous IF

Updates/questions: just chugging in my TWW

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Im going to apply for a long shot job, but it gave me a lot of feels last night talking with dh. If I somehow got it, I don't want to stop ttc. I told him even if we got pregnant right now and was due at the end of the year, it doesn't mean we would have a baby. He got all sorts of sad that I have this tainted perspective.

But I also am trying to be a little optimistic. I HATE the platitude "everything happens for a reason". It's bullshit. But I'm trying to think that maybe this is an opportunity for me since I wouldn't be able to pursue it if I were 6 months pregnant right now. IDK. It's all bullshit! 😣

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? I don't know. It used to be 10 things I hate about you, so I will default to that. I don't watch a lot of movies over again.

[ldubhawksfan]

scoutradley, the loneliness of being the only one still mourning my baby was the hardest part of my first loss. No one else seemed to still care and was past it. Looking back I fell into depression and I wish I would have gotten help earlier. Please let us know if you need anything.

[scoutradley]

misspatty I'm so sorry it didn't work out last month and I'm sorry you have gotten to the point that an RE is needed, but hopefully it will be a good step in the right direction. Definitely call the therapist! I know it's so hard to make that first step, but it will help. Also, knowing that a certain month is not the most optimal is nothing to feel guilty over. You still want a baby and in a perfect world your deductible wouldn't be his expensive in January, but it's not perfect and it's okay to be cautious.

Rama I'm so so so very sorry. I'm glad Mr.Rama is a comfort for you, but it's okay to not be alright. And however you have to work through it, that's okay too. I'm glad you've already started the process of getting help to sort through it all. So much love and if you need anything, let us know.

mflowers929 somehow hearing about other's losses have gotten me worked up too in the past. The empathy is healthy though and I hope being able to talk about it with your boss was at least somewhat cathartic.

@sparky85 welcome, but I'm so sorry you find yourself here. So many *hugs*

kariann12 *hugs* telling family is so incredibly hard. I ended up bailing on telling some, letting my mom and husband handle a few of the calls. It's incredibly difficult but you did not let anyone down at all. It is not your fault!

notelsie I'm also in the TWW, and also trying not to think anything. TWW is a mind battle that is unbelievably frustrating.

I'm also having difficulty knowing that this is our last chance for a '17 baby. I mentioned before that my grandmother has had a grandbaby born every year since '13 and I feel like crap knowing we lost the '17 baby.

@idubhawksfan it's okay to try and find a bright side, I know it's hard not to feel guilty about there being any positive to this situation but it's okay to be excited or happy about things, even if they aren't the way it should be right now.
Also, thanks. The loneliness is definitely so difficult. If I feel like I am headed into depression, I'll try and reach out. I had pretty bad depression in '15 and I really don't want to go back to that.

[mflowers929]

I think it's perfectly okay to cry and feel sad, even if no one else gets it, as long as it's not all consuming all the time.

We've lost so much more than just "a clump of cells". We've lost the hopes and dreams that we had for this tiny life, in addition to losing almost an innocence about the universe. It's a shock to the system, and one that will take time to overcome.

[smores]

Serious hugs to everyone in here. I'm so sorry that so many of us are having such a hard time.

[smores]

@sparky85 - I am so, very sorry for your loss. If you need anything I am here.

misspatty - I'm so sorry last cycle didn't work out for you. It's frustrating that, on top of everything else, we have to worry about insurance nonsense. Big hugs.

mflowers929 - I may have missed it in an earlier thread, but when is your appointment? I hope they were able to schedule you in without much of a wait.

[smores]

Rama - ((Hugs)) It can be so hard to navigate through all the emotions (buried or lack thereof) in the midst of grief. I really believe a grief counselor is a greats option and I'm glad you've taken the first step and reached out to one.

kariann12 - ((Hugs)) Telling people is so hard. You did not let them down in any way and I know they wouldn't want you to feel that way. I'm glad your family sounds like they are taking it well and being supportive.

notelsie - I'm right there with you. I definitely withdrew from friends after my loss and I'm just now at the point where I feel like I might want to start planning things again. I'm 3 weeks post D&C and 4 weeks post finding out about my MMC. I think it's normal to need some time to process and grieve. I'm sure your friends will be happy to see you again when you're ready.

ldubhawksfan - I hate that platitude as well, especially when people use it to explain a loss. I know you didn't say this, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but don't feel guilty for being happy about this job opportunity. You can be excited about this new job opportunity and mourn/still be upset about your loss at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive.

[mflowers929]

Apr 4, 2017 16:18:31 GMT -5 smores said:

@sparky85 - I am so, very sorry for your loss. If you need anything I am here.

misspatty - I'm so sorry last cycle didn't work out for you. It's frustrating that, on top of everything else, we have to worry about insurance nonsense. Big hugs.

mflowers929 - I may have missed it in an earlier thread, but when is your appointment? I hope they were able to schedule you in without much of a wait.

April 18. I got lucky. They had called me because they had appointments to fill, but I waited a week to call them back. When I finally got the receptionist on the phone (almost 2 weeks after they first called) she said "we're all booked up for a while, but let me look... oh, could you be here for 9?" "Uh, yeah" "then we have one spot open on the 18th" lol

[ajetter]

How are you doing? TW:: LC MENTIONED :: Alright, I mean, I would much rather be 25 weeks pregnant. But I think I'm doing ok. I almost feel guilty that I'm not even that sad anymore. I'm sad it happened, absolutely. But ldubhawksfan I can also see the bright side. You're not alone. For me I know I'll get at least three months with all three kids in school for 2 hours, twice a week. I'll be able to nest away and have some me time. And not having a baby in July means I'll get to enjoy the summer with my kids. My last pregnancy I was on bedrest for two weeks before I delievered. That plus the delivery in the middle of the summer would have basically made me unable to play with my kids all that much. And I've got three tangible reasons to believe I can carry a pregnancy to term and will have a baby again.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): TTC, 4DPO. Trying real hard to contain the urge to pee on things.

Diagnosis (if applicable):

Updates/questions:

Debbie downer (a place to vent): Just so many pregnancy announcements. I hate that I get a pang of jealousy every time. I truly am very happy for them. There hasn't been a single one that I wasn't excited about for one reason or another. But still. There is always a brief moment of jealousy.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? I don't know if I have a favorite. I'm not a huge movie watcher and Moana has been playing on repeat at our house. We watched Pitch Perfect 2 over the weekend. That one makes me laugh every time.

[smores]

scoutradley - Big, big hugs lady. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Nothing about this is easy. I wish I had a magic solution to make it all better, but of course, I don't. All I can say is I'm right there with you and try to give yourself grace. Easier said than done, I know. Crying does not mean you're weak. You are strong and you've been through a tragedy. You should let yourself feel your feelings and if it gets to be overwhelming or you feel like your losing control don't be afraid to seek out a grief counselor or even reach out to your doctor or OB. I'm sure they would be able to guide you to a professional who could help. It can feel lonely and it can happen so fast that it feels like a blur. But it wasn't. Your baby was here and could never, will never, be forgotten. If you ever want to talk about your angel baby with someone, I am here.

**TW OPP** To go back to your original post, honestly, if one of my friends was newly KU right now, I would feel the same way you do, nervous. I think it's still so recent for you (and me) that it's only natural to worry about, even if it isn't your pregnancy. **End TW** I still have my fingers crossed for you this cycle. Remember, it only takes one time in your FW!

[smores]

mflowers929 - That's good news! I'm glad they were able to get you in soon. I hope they are able to give you a good plan of action.

[smores]

ajetter - I'm hoping the pang of jealousy is normal! Because it hits me too. I'm crossing my fingers for you this cycle!

[smores]

How are you doing? I'm doing ok. Finally stopped spotting last week. Now just waiting to get off the bench.

Status (TTA, TTC, Benched): Benched until first post D&C period.

Diagnosis (if applicable): N/A

Updates/questions: No real updates this week. Just a lot of waiting now until we can get back to TTC. Hopefully it's not too long.

Debbie downer (a place to vent): I Debbie Downer'ed on Saturday in last weeks thread I've been ok since then. I mean, I will always, always wish things could have turned out differently. Most days I feel like I've accepted it and I'm in a good place. Other days something, be it little or big, will happen and bring me right back to how I felt sitting on the patient table as my OB told me the baby was measuring over a week behind. Idk, I guess I have more feels today then I thought.

QOTW: what is your favorite movie? I will always and forever love Top Gun. No matter how crazy Tom Cruise is/gets.

[ldubhawksfan]

smores it's amazing how vivid those memories of getting the news are for me. It's been nearly 3 years since our first loss and I can remember everything about the rooms, the US, the feelings. It's burned into my memory. However, the triggers are fewer in between with time.

[notelsie]

smores I know having to wait for your first period post loss is so discouraging. It feels like forever, and it feels like a waste when you so desperately want to start trying again. I hope it comes for you soon. Hugs