TTCAL 4/4

[esgrunner]

@sparky85, I am 100% with you about pads sucking. Get this diaper off of me. And I think for the Rhogam, it is supposed to be within 72 hours. Do you have access to your test results online? For me, when they do the blood draw to check my blood type (even though I told them when I walked in the damn doors to the ER but I know it is for insurance purposes), they also check to see if you were sensitized or whatever it is called. I think that is what I see in my test results at least. They will give the Rhogam anyway even if the test doesn't show that you were. My doc forgot my Rhogam last fall with my loss and I got it on Tues or Wed and my miscarriage started on Friday night, so that was definitely late.


scoutradley, I hear you on the loneliness. And how are all of these people going about their daily lives and totally clueless what I'm going through? It feels ridiculous but very real to me.


kariann12, it is so hard on me telling my family. We love babies in our family. We've had sort of a black cloud hanging over us all so far this year and my pregnancy was sort of the only bright spot in it all and now that is ruined too. We're going to a funeral service this weekend for a family member and I need to see my sister before then because I know I am going to cry as soon as I see her and I don't need double the tears that day.

[Deleted]

esgrunner I got the Rhogam on Thursday morning, after the bleeding starting on Wednesday night, so I was well within the time. By fluke, I had just had my blood typing done (again) two days before. I just wasn't sure if it was required for a loss that happened right around 5 weeks (possibly a cp).

[scoutradley]

smores thanks so much. Your words actually brought tears to my eyes. It feels so strange and recent and far away. I'm a mess obviously.

So many hugs to you. That waiting period of nothing is awful. It's okay to not be alright all the time. The flashbacks are still happening to me too. I'm glad your starting to have good days, that is a good step forward.

[scoutradley]

esgrunner people going about completely unaffected totally messed with me too. It felt strange to have my life feel like it was crumbling (2017 has been very hard for my family in general) and the world keep on going. It's getting a littler easier though.

[ajetter]

kariann12, telling family is so hard. I felt like a bitch but I had to text my mom the news initially. I knew I couldn't take seeing her face or hearing her voice when she found out. I was 12 weeks when our LO's heart stopped, had a D&C a few days later. I was still getting lines on wondfos 3.5 to 4 weeks out. They were faint, but definitely there. After my first period they were stark white. Anecdotal of course, but I was surprised at how long I turned a test post D&C. It drove me crazy.

notelsie, I woke up nauseous today. Probably because I ate too much crap food yesterday. I'm only 4-5 DPO but I still immediately started reading into it. It is so hard not to. TTC messes with your brain, and I think TTC after a loss is a total mindf*ck.

scoutradley, up through our first cycle trying again, I had a lot of the feelings you're describing. I would describe my emotional state as anxious and desperate. I didn't want to feel sad. I hated that I couldn't control my emotions. I felt ridiculous and out of control. I also really wanted to write out my loss story on my blog because that baby was a part of our story. But just opening the draft would bring me to tears. At first I could only go a paragraph at a time before having to close it for a few days. Getting my period that first cycle trying was devestating. But somehow, after I came to terms with that, I've been much much more at peace. I don't know if it is just the length of time from the loss, if my hormones were still leveling out, what. There was just a change. Lots of hugs coming your way.

ldubhawksfan, yeah I hate that everything happens for a reason bullshit too. I think everything happens because of science. I do believe there is a higher power at work, but I didn't get pregnant and lose the baby for an ambiguous reason, I lost the baby because the science of the whole thing didn't work out. Maybe that is an UO and inappropriate for here. I'm sorry if it is.

[kariann12]

Thanks for the anecdote ajetter. I was going to keep testing, but I think I've managed to keep it under control for now. I'll test after I get my next period. Big hugs to you.

[mflowers929]

ajetter, over on TB, the saying "everything happens for a reason" was pretty much banned. I think that sentiment was sort of carried over here. There might be something more at work, there might not be, but saying that, for the most part, just serves to make us feel even shittier, and I'm not afraid to let anyone who tells me that know that.

[notelsie]

I thought H and I worked through everything, but now I have no idea if our marriage is going to last. We are going to seek counseling. Infertility, postpartum anxiety, and loss have ruined us.

TTC is no longer an option for us right now so I'm scared and heartbroken

[smores]

notelsie - I am so, so sorry. There are no words. Sending you thoughts, prayers, and big hugs as you navigate through whatever comes next. I'm glad you guys are seeking counseling and I hope that it leads to the resolution that you are hoping for. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

[ajetter]

notelsie I am so so sorry.

[ldubhawksfan]

notelsie I'm so so sorry.

[ldubhawksfan]

ajetter no it's not an UO. I hate it. Like PP said, it feels conflicting to know that this job opportunity wouldn't have been something I could have applied for that pregnant. I'm excited about the possibility, but I would give everything to still be pregnant.

[mflowers929]

notelsie, *hugs* I hope that you're both able to come to a place that's mutually agreeable. If you need to take a step back from here, we'll all understand and keep sending you and YH good thoughts

[Rama]

So many hugs notelsie. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks with yours. You do what you need to do to keep you safe, healthy, and sane. If you ever need us, we will be here.

If you need a private ear, my inbox is open for any reason. No matter how small or stupid. Take care of yourself. <3

[Deleted]

notelsie I am so sorry

[mflowers929]

Aaand my period just started. No wonder I've been so crabby.
H is taking me out to breakfast in a little bit. I warned him to be extra nice to me lol

[kariann12]

notelsie - I'm so sorry. I hope counseling can help your marriage. It's so hard on top of everything else. Sending you big hugs.

[notelsie]

Thanks ladies I'm just seeing all of this. I went to bed early last night. I just don't know what to do with myself. I never knew I could hurt this badly. H is in a bad place with his chemical depression so I'm hoping it will all get better, but he's been so cold and negative. He doesn't know if he loves me anymore.

We are still in the TWW, and I'm scared of any outcome.

I really appreciate all the support here. I'm just hoping and praying for it all to work out.

[Rama]

notelsie Be gentle with you and him. Depression is a nasty bug in the ear, I hope it's the chemical imbalance talking and not your husband. My heart aches for both of your difficulties right now. I, too, hope that counseling sorts things out and saves your marriage. Don't be a stranger. We'll be here however things shake out. <3

[scoutradley]

ajetter it definitely helps to know that after the first cycle back TTC, it gets a little easier. I may try out one paragraph at a time. If only I can get past opening it. Thanks!

notelsie so so so many hugs. I'm so sorry. We're here to listen but if you have to step back from the board, we understand. Hopefully it's just the rough conditions y'all have been through. But whatever the outcome, you are strong and brave and loved.

[Deleted]

*hugs* to everyone who needs them

I ended up telling one of my coworkers about why I was out last week, and it was much more freeing than I thought it would be. I guess I didn't realize how much I felt like I was keeping a big secret.

[Rama]

Apr 5, 2017 16:40:37 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

*hugs* to everyone who needs them

I ended up telling one of my coworkers about why I was out last week, and it was much more freeing than I thought it would be. I guess I didn't realize how much I felt like I was keeping a big secret.

That's one of the reasons I'm always so open with my losses.  It's really stressful and tense to keep this to myself.  I want people to know my kids, to know what's going on with me, to be able to not have to bottle it up.

I'm really glad it helped you feel better. <3

[Deleted]

Apr 5, 2017 17:59:12 GMT -5 Rama said:

Apr 5, 2017 16:40:37 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

*hugs* to everyone who needs them

I ended up telling one of my coworkers about why I was out last week, and it was much more freeing than I thought it would be. I guess I didn't realize how much I felt like I was keeping a big secret.

That's one of the reasons I'm always so open with my losses.  It's really stressful and tense to keep this to myself.  I want people to know my kids, to know what's going on with me, to be able to not have to bottle it up.

I'm really glad it helped you feel better.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one

This is something that I grew up knowing happened from my mom and her sisters, so I was surprised to learn that losses weren't really talked about.

[Rama]

Apr 5, 2017 18:04:34 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

Apr 5, 2017 17:59:12 GMT -5 Rama said:

That's one of the reasons I'm always so open with my losses.  It's really stressful and tense to keep this to myself.  I want people to know my kids, to know what's going on with me, to be able to not have to bottle it up.

I'm really glad it helped you feel better. <3

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one :)

This is something that I grew up knowing happened from my mom and her sisters, so I was surprised to learn that losses weren't really talked about.

That's another reason I do it.  I really isn't talked about much at all and so many of my friends have held their tongues for a variety of reasons; many of them felt so alone.

So I'm the "asshole" that makes it a normal topic.  I talk about it with my friends, to strangers, it's just another thing to talk about.  I make myself open so that those people that don't talk (for whatever reason -- I know not everyone can be balls-out like I am) have someone to feel safe with.  I don't want to contribute to an invisible rule where you don't talk about loss, because it's SO common and SO many people already make it awkward. 

It's a personal mission to normalize loss conversation because no one should ever feel alone.

[Deleted]

Apr 5, 2017 18:11:45 GMT -5 Rama said:

Apr 5, 2017 18:04:34 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one

This is something that I grew up knowing happened from my mom and her sisters, so I was surprised to learn that losses weren't really talked about.

That's another reason I do it.  I really isn't talked about much at all and so many of my friends have held their tongues for a variety of reasons; many of them felt so alone.

So I'm the "asshole" that makes it a normal topic.  I talk about it with my friends, to strangers, it's just another thing to talk about.  I make myself open so that those people that don't talk (for whatever reason -- I know not everyone can be balls-out like I am) have someone to feel safe with.  I don't want to contribute to an invisible rule where you don't talk about loss, because it's SO common and SO many people already make it awkward. 

It's a personal mission to normalize loss conversation because no one should ever feel alone.

I agree with your mission! I think I may have to join you in it

[notelsie]

Apr 5, 2017 18:15:27 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

Apr 5, 2017 18:11:45 GMT -5 Rama said:

That's another reason I do it.  I really isn't talked about much at all and so many of my friends have held their tongues for a variety of reasons; many of them felt so alone.

So I'm the "asshole" that makes it a normal topic.  I talk about it with my friends, to strangers, it's just another thing to talk about.  I make myself open so that those people that don't talk (for whatever reason -- I know not everyone can be balls-out like I am) have someone to feel safe with.  I don't want to contribute to an invisible rule where you don't talk about loss, because it's SO common and SO many people already make it awkward. 

It's a personal mission to normalize loss conversation because no one should ever feel alone.

I agree with your mission! I think I may have to join you in it

All of this. I felt so much better opening up, and I want to normalize it since it is so common.

[mflowers929]

Apr 5, 2017 18:36:56 GMT -5 notelsie said:

Apr 5, 2017 18:15:27 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

I agree with your mission! I think I may have to join you in it

All of this. I felt so much better opening up, and I want to normalize it since it is so common.

Same here. Although I tend to be a pretty open person anyways, but I definitely found it cathartic to open up and let people know. I actually made a YT video about it pretty recently, because it was weighing on me to talk about it, and I really felt that if I put it out there, the people who would need it would find it.

[ldubhawksfan]

Apr 5, 2017 18:36:56 GMT -5 notelsie said:

Apr 5, 2017 18:15:27 GMT -5 @sparky85 said:

I agree with your mission! I think I may have to join you in it

All of this. I felt so much better opening up, and I want to normalize it since it is so common.

Same. I've posted about my losses each October on FB and this fall when a friend posted about hers, she told me she had the strength after watching me. I've told friends. I want people to know about our babies.

[mflowers929]

smores I'm calling you out lady! I've been staring at the delicious melty marshmallow in your profile pic for way too long, and so I wound up going out and getting myself a bag of marshmallows to toast up on my stove. But I did't make a s'mores, oh no, I'm way too Martha Stewart for that. I put peanut butter on that shit, and then covered it in chocolate. I just finished eating it and it was sooo good, but my stomach is already hating me for all the sugar. This is all your fault!

[notelsie]

Apr 5, 2017 18:43:53 GMT -5 mflowers929 said:

Apr 5, 2017 18:36:56 GMT -5 notelsie said:

All of this. I felt so much better opening up, and I want to normalize it since it is so common.

Same here. Although I tend to be a pretty open person anyways, but I definitely found it cathartic to open up and let people know. I actually made a YT video about it pretty recently, because it was weighing on me to talk about it, and I really felt that if I put it out there, the people who would need it would find it.

I've written 3 or 4 poems about it and shared them to FB. It has brought me so much peace and comfort. And it is extra nice seeing them help others who can't put their losses into words.

A YT video is so brave and amazing!